"The Wait Is Over" - Sundance & Big Billy TO BE Published by Coping With Cancer Magazine:)

Lorikat said:

Oh man!  I am SO proud of

Oh man!  I am SO proud of that editor for having the good sense to publish your writings!!  And I am sooo proud of you for not giving up!   

 

I was just thinking of you the other day when I was closing on the sale of my Moms house.....  My husband and I had only one day to "unstage" and remove the furniture so the buyer could take possesion.  I remembered how hard you and your wife worked on your Dad's house......AND GOT ON CRAIGSLIST AND HIRED SOMEONE TO MOVE THE FURNITURE FOR US!    LOL!  You never know how your experiences are going to help someone else.  Thank you.

Again..  So happy for you!  Many, many writers go a lifetime without being acknowledged.  Good job...

Thank you, Lori:)

Next time you're down at MDA, see if they carry the Coping magazine in their waiting rooms.....readership is 500,000 and is distributed in oncologists waiting rooms etc.

Tell 'em to order a subscription:)

I've tried so many times, Lori and had the door slammed unceremoniously in my face....after awhile, you sorta get tired of sticking your finger into an electrical socket - it hurts, you know?

I was getting pretty discouraged - everybody would tell me something was there - and that just made it worse. 

Just like with cancer when we say WHY ME and then WHY NOT ME?

Well, same thing.....why not me? 

W2GO on getting some help with the estate - it can all get too be too much for a couple to handle on their own.  I'm glad that my story helped you there.  Just like you say, you never know who you're going to save from drowning out there:)

Thank you so much for all your support!!

-Craig

The magazine really cut down the story I sent them and had to edit quite abit out in order for the story to fit their space format.  As I said, some concessions had to be made in order for them to agree to publish my article.

Because, I know so many of you here, I thought I would share the ORIGINAL story with you guys.  I thought you might enjoy getting the full impact. 

Now, this was written when I was at the lowest point of my entire 9-year cancer battle....I was ready to quit fighting and let it go, because all of the years of accumulated fighting had finally caught up with me and I was about out of gas.

And this is where this part of my story picks up...

It is copyrighted, so please don't distribute or copy the material....

                             “The Story of the Man They Call Big Billy” ©

                                                                       By Craig Harrison

It was late winter of 2010 and the nights were long and dark.  I had tied one on at the Infusion Center Lounge that day with yet another Folfiri Bender – which was one of the most popular chemo cocktails that they serve at the local waterin’ hole I imbibed at. 

I was sicker than the proverbial dog and all hopped on The Dex, and the 5fu pump was hanging off the headboard whirring and clicking and systematically filling me full of poison with each audible turn of that annoying sound the motor makes each time it cycles and delivers you the juice. 

I laid there in bed motionless hour after hour, listening to the wall clock mock me from the other side of the house with its relentless chiming that marked each passage of time – a haunting melody that became the subtle and audible reminder of yet another sleepless sixty-minute span of time that I would never get back. 

It must have been somewhere between 3am and 4am in the early morning – that thin layer of time that separates the night from the dawn – a time whether it is neither night nor day – a time where things can come unhinged either physically, mentally, or emotionally for those cancer combat infantry personnel who find themselves marching on in the cancer battlefields of our minds. 

It is affectionately known as The Witching Hour for so many a cancer patient, who find themselves in the throes of treatment – it’s a very special time when we find ourselves totally alone with nothing but our thoughts to keep us company. 

It can be a time of deep despair and haunted visions – or it can be a time of enlightenment where certain truths finally align themselves in the perfect order, thus providing you the clarity and understanding of that, which you’ve been searching for those many long, soul searching nights.

It can be a time when we’re ready to put a stamp on it and mail it in with talk about quitting – or it can be a time where we pick ourselves back up and vow to keep moving forward. 

The beauty of this hour of time is that it’s all ours.  The Witching Hour is where the seeds of Personal Growth are planted that will one day come to fruition and be harvested. 

And, it’s from this process that we grow from within from what we allow ourselves to feel and experience during this window of opportunity each evening when the house grows dark and silent and we are left with only our thoughts for company. 

Each night, we never know what is going to run through our heads and what we will feel and learn when we lay our heads down on the pillow each night.  That’s the beautiful aspect of this part of the journey.  There are no rules and we’re free to live out whatever random thoughts and feelings that comes into our heads. 

It is many things to many people – but, in its simplest form, it is a time of Reflection.   It is a special time that allows us the permission to feel, think and explore the intricacies of the disease all that comes with it. 

This is our unique opportunity to confront the demons that are calling out to us.  It’s a time to ask questions – and it’s also a time where we may find some answers to some of the mystery that is perplexing us. 

One particular night for me before the early dawn, there was a stillness and a calmness in the air that was so eerily quiet, that I could hear my thoughts rattling around in my skull, like a ping-pong game gone mad on steroids. 

I was tired – I felt defeated – and at that moment in time, I had finally lost my way.  And in the process of doing so, I also discovered that I had lost my inspiration as well.  By the time I realized what had happened, it was already too late. 

By then, Hope had already packed a suitcase and was headed out the door to join the others.  It was a complete jail break and left me laying there feeling emotionally bankrupt and destitute.   

I was nearly a beaten man; swaying back and forth and grasping at those imaginary ropes in the fight ring that I thought were holding me upright – sort of like the image of a latter-day Rocky Balboa, just trying to go the distance in a title-fight against such a formidable adversary such as cancer. 

I lay there contemplating why I was fighting so hard and for what anymore.  I was trying to justify if feeling this sick every day was worth the price to be paid anymore.  What was the point anymore if this was all there was ever going to be?

Then, all of a sudden, I felt this silent lucidity come into play, where I began to question whether or not that I had the toughness or the right stuff anymore to do what it takes to get back to the final round of a title-defense that I had fought and won twice prior in my fight against cancer.  

I thought about the line that Apollo Creed used in the movie Rocky…”Ain’t gonna’ be no re-match…”

My thoughts drifted to thinking that all great fighters have to lay down the gloves someday and ‘retire.’  Maybe it was time for Cancer to retire me.  Over and over I could hear the words of boxer, Roberto Duran…”No mas.”

For a moment or two, I seriously contemplated taking my hands off the wheel…

And then ‘he’ came to me.  The idea of Big Billy and the ideology of what he stood for and represented to me – and what he might represent for other cancer fighters, who found themselves at a juncture in their own fights, where they felt their strength waning and their own mental resolve beginning to weaken. 

So, I created this persona of a character that would carry the markings of one tough cancer fighting dude – a guy that from the looks of him would be the antithesis of what I looked like, but on the inside he still carried the same ideals and values that I shared.

It developed into this symbiotic relationship, where each one of us could stand on his own merit, independent of one another.  In combination, we could become this unstoppable force in the cancer universe and transform ourselves into the Dynamic Duo. 

Just like that, the idea for Team Sundance was formed. 

Who is Big Billy?

Simply stated, he’s the muscle behind my hustle…

Big Billy became my alter-ego in the cancer world.  He was born a figment of my fertile imagination on a cold, winter night in 2010 and crystallized himself into the embodiment of an image that I wanted to represent.  More importantly, he became what I wanted to feel like once more.

And that was one of the baddest cancer fighters there ever was – one of the best to ever play the game. 

I think that what I was able to do was harness this image of our inner fighting nature that we all carry with us into our battles and then was able to manifest that persona into something that was tangible and readily identifiable that could represent us all. 

In essence, Big Billy represents “The Fighting Side of Us…”

Big Billy has always been that intangible element that we can feel – but never see.

Until now…

Big Billy does live – he lives in me – and he lives in you too! 

Keep fighting, you can do it!

-end

lizdeli said:

Craig

Craig,

I'm so proud of you and so happy for you!  I followed your posts for quite a while now and your preservance through everything has been incredibly inspiring.  Congratulations on getting published and on your 9 years but most all for being the man that you are!

Hugs,

Liz

I very much wanted you to know about this - you've always been so kind and supportive!

You're making me blush

You and me go back to the Class of '09 - which is always a special class for anyway - for a lot of reasons....

It's hard to believe that's it been 4-years!  I blew in June and you joined in July of that year.....wow!

I've lost the majority of my friends from that era - and so it makes me feel good to still see you here and doing well.  I'm finally trying to get well.....two years currently in remission out of the whole time....longest clear streak and counting....hope it can continue:)

I'm just so glad that I have folks that I can share this with in the cancer community - it's what makes it truly meaningful!

Love/Craig