giving up

one day at a time
Hello I know all about wanting to give up. I have been there many times. I am lucky that I have a great therapist and some really good people in my life. It is not easy. I had a bad day just last week and could have easily gone back to that place. I have learned to say that giving up is not the answer but I don't know what is right now so I will just let things happen until an answer comes and there is always an answer. I have learned that somethimes you have to go hour by hour or minute by minute if the day seems to long and that helps. I don't like reaching out but when I do there is always help at least in the form of someone who listens and that for me makes things a little better. I am sitting here on Easter morning thinking how sad it is that cancer never takes a day off. I am the caregiver of my Dad who is going through chemo for the 3rd time. One doctor said that he is terminal but another told him to just take each day as it comes so that is what we are doing. The Easter Bunny brought a basket of candy and I will make a nice dinner and we will watch the Red Sox and just be happy that we have today. I hope that he can go to church since that helps in the not giving up. Hang in there and feel free to contact me if you need to I know all about wanting to give up and I have lived through it. Please reach out for help and know that you are not alone in your struggles. God Bless and try to smile

kcred69 said:

I feel the same way giving up seems to be all thats left
I feel the same way. I just feel like, all my friends that I thought would be there, have moved on. I feel alone very alone and feel like they have done forgot me anyway.

Not Alone
You are not alone. There are people here who care. Come here as often as you need to for support or just to vent. Take care, Fay

Natalie19 said:

Jun 09, 2013 - 11:03 am


My

Jun 09, 2013 - 11:03 am

My mother passed away age 39 on the 13th of feb 2013 at 10.48am 

she was diagnosed with cervical cancer only a year early .. It was the hardest year of my life but nothing was harder than now after she passed just over 3months ago . 

 

I am 19 years old I have a brother who just turned 16 on the 3rd of may and my dads not in the picture my parents divorced 9 years awas Memories of my dad are not fond he was cruel to my mother she had a hard life growing up married at 16 had me at 21 . My mother raised my brother and I on her own it was a hard she was my best friend my only friend and I miss her So much I wake up every morning wishing it was a dream I miss her smile her touch her voice she was taken away from me too soon I'm soon to graduate Uni and she won't be there I can't comprehend her death I was a ghost at her funeral Im confused and I miss her so much I'm angry very angry I don't no why I'm angry at god I'm angry at life and everyone around me . I question why and I beg for her back there is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her nobody understands and that annoys me I left my boyfriend because he dosnt get it I don't no what's wrong with me I feel his comfort isn't enough he tried but I push him away and I'm angry he dosnt try hard enough it's like nobody understands my mothers not with me anymore

 

All I hear is time heads all wounds in time everything will be alright what people don't understand is that time is the only thing I don't have with my mum anymore and I hate the word time , time with my mum has been taken away from me and I hate life I hate everything for it I just want to hold her hand. 

 

I break down everytime I think about her being diagnosed I hate remembering what cancer did to her and the way she changed and  she deteriorated I hate how cancer got her so sick ! And how she was in so much pain ! 

 

The hardest thing I remember was her last few weeks she stopped talking and responding to us .. Her eyes rolled semi back with yellow pupils her breathing got heavy and slow and she just laid there looking at the ceiling from being 39 year old energetic healthy friend to me doing everything together I'm angry I took her for granted I'm angry at myself I'm angry at cancer I'm angry at myself for being a spoilt teenage growing up and not appreciating my mother as much as I should've I am angry at myself for not doing of saying the things I should've . The hardest was knowing she could hear us but not being able to respond you could see it in her face how frustrated she was that she couldn't respond to us before she couldn't move she used to throw her hands up and sigh because she couldn't talk anymore than eventually she just stopped moving and was only breathing it was hard watching the nurses move her around for her comfort with tears steaming down her face because she was in so much pain I am so angry and can't stop crying I don't no why this is happening to me and I hate how nobody understands me I love her I miss her and I wish she never got cancer why did she have to get cancer she never deserved it ! 

 

 

I often wonder where she is I question everything I want to no she's ok and she's happy and cancer free 

Hi Natalie.  I understand

Hi Natalie.  I understand they anger you have.  I felt the same way when my mom passed away from an unexpected heart attack and she was an empty shell on life support.  It was a difficult decision, but I had to let her go.  I remember being so angry at everyone, even strangers in the next car.  I couldn't comprehend why they were so happy, didn't they understand that I lost my best friend and she was never coming back!  I cried all the time, I still do sometimes.  I had to stop and realize that my mom was not coming back and there was nothing I could do to change that so I need to change my attitude.  I started talking to my mom about everything everyday.  I knew in my heart that she was listening.  If I ask a question, the answer comes to me.  If I need to see her, I ask her to come to me and she does.  I see her in my dreams, in my reflection, and feel her all around me.  Try it.  Talk to your mum and see what happens.  Don't push love ones away.  Help them understand.  have you tried grief counseling?  It may help.  Best wishes to you.