Cancer may be wrecking my marriage
Comments
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lily33lily33 said:My marriage is also stressed...
I am so glad you posted this. I feel not very many people recognize the stress cancer has on caregivers or our marriages. I am 33 and my husband has stage IV kidney cancer. He has battled it for the past 5 years with surgery and chemo. We had a great marriage before cancer. Now 5 years into the fight he has stabilized with drugs, but our relationship is falling apart. He's content because I have always been there and taken care of our 3 young children, the house, bills, and him. The drugs have completely changed his personality though. He's short tempered, unkind at times, and not the easy going and loving husband I married 10 years ago. I can't begin to imagine the hell he goes through. But I am going through hell too! I'm now essentially a single mother and feel I have lost the husband I loved and still love dearly. I feel guilty about wanting and needing someone to take care of me for once. And the worst is I know this is not his fault-he didn't ask to have cancer or to have his brain changed from the chemo drugs. There's no one to be mad at or to blame. Everyday I just feel us growing farther apart and my need to be protected and taken care of eating me away.
Just know there are other spouses out there that struggle with the changes in their marriages as well.
It sounds like you are really going through a tough time, but that you are handling it the very best way that you can. Actually - it sounds like you are a saint.
On the other hand, in my situation, the saint is my wife. She is going through the battle of her life, is sick with medication, can't sleep, and is desperately afraid of dying of this disease. Even through all of this, she continues to love me, laughs with me, snuggles with me, etc., and she is the love of my life. I really don't deserve her, but she deserves the best from me.
On top of what she is going through, I have made a huge mistake with my wife by sharing some of my issues with her, when she can only barely deal with her own. I thought that I was reaching a busting point, but my issues are so small compared to hers that I feel quite selfish in unloading on her. I hope that someday she will forgive me, which she says she is working on.
I plan on my wife being around for a long time, and I plan on growing old with her. I feel that we are in a very tough situation right now, but I have the power to make things right by doing the absolute best that I can everyday.
All we can do is learn and move on, and carry each of our burdens as best we can.
Thanks for sharing.0 -
Lily and gthuffordgthufford said:lily33
It sounds like you are really going through a tough time, but that you are handling it the very best way that you can. Actually - it sounds like you are a saint.
On the other hand, in my situation, the saint is my wife. She is going through the battle of her life, is sick with medication, can't sleep, and is desperately afraid of dying of this disease. Even through all of this, she continues to love me, laughs with me, snuggles with me, etc., and she is the love of my life. I really don't deserve her, but she deserves the best from me.
On top of what she is going through, I have made a huge mistake with my wife by sharing some of my issues with her, when she can only barely deal with her own. I thought that I was reaching a busting point, but my issues are so small compared to hers that I feel quite selfish in unloading on her. I hope that someday she will forgive me, which she says she is working on.
I plan on my wife being around for a long time, and I plan on growing old with her. I feel that we are in a very tough situation right now, but I have the power to make things right by doing the absolute best that I can everyday.
All we can do is learn and move on, and carry each of our burdens as best we can.
Thanks for sharing.
Lily, I know how you feel. My husband is a wonderful man who has always adored me, but after two years of fighting cancer, he's not the same person--he's used to me catering to his every wish, and sometimes I miss the man who thought of me once in a while. I know he can't help the situation we are in, but it's still difficult to cope with. Gthufford, I admire you for admiring that you've made mistakes, but don't be too hard on yourself. You are not goi g through something as tough as your wife is, but you are going through something. We have learn to forgive each other, and realize that none of us will be perfect all the time. My thoughts are with you both.
Betty0 -
So gt,....gthufford said:Hollyberry
Thanks - you actually sound a lot like my wife - which is a compliment. She told me to stop apologizing on Monday. Things have gotten much better, though she says she is still mad at me. She is actually in her meeting right now with her counseler - wish I could be a fly on the wall! She says we will talk about it tonight. I'm going to do my best to listen a lot and talk a little.
Thanks again.
if she doesn't want you apologizing on Mondays, just wait until Tuesdays. LOL (sorry, a little levity is good for the soul).0 -
I was a real jerk sometimes!akbetty said:Lily and gthufford
Lily, I know how you feel. My husband is a wonderful man who has always adored me, but after two years of fighting cancer, he's not the same person--he's used to me catering to his every wish, and sometimes I miss the man who thought of me once in a while. I know he can't help the situation we are in, but it's still difficult to cope with. Gthufford, I admire you for admiring that you've made mistakes, but don't be too hard on yourself. You are not goi g through something as tough as your wife is, but you are going through something. We have learn to forgive each other, and realize that none of us will be perfect all the time. My thoughts are with you both.
Betty
akbetty,
When I was in treatment, I was often manipulative, self-absorbed, and vindictive. I was the last person any wife would want to come home to. Following my divorce, I blamed my ex for not understanding what I was going through, with no thought to what she was going through. It is Fathers' Day, and I sit here by my computer, sterile, middle-aged, without immediate family, and alone. I am happier than I was in my marriage, but only because my wife and I were not suited for each other in the first place and cancer only provided our "moment of truth", bringing that realization to a head. Like Marley's ghost, I wear the chains I forged in my past, hopefully learning from the experience and trying to live the balance of my life better.
Dutch proverb: "Too soon old, too late smart!"
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Interesting posts...thanksterato said:I was a real jerk sometimes!
akbetty,
When I was in treatment, I was often manipulative, self-absorbed, and vindictive. I was the last person any wife would want to come home to. Following my divorce, I blamed my ex for not understanding what I was going through, with no thought to what she was going through. It is Fathers' Day, and I sit here by my computer, sterile, middle-aged, without immediate family, and alone. I am happier than I was in my marriage, but only because my wife and I were not suited for each other in the first place and cancer only provided our "moment of truth", bringing that realization to a head. Like Marley's ghost, I wear the chains I forged in my past, hopefully learning from the experience and trying to live the balance of my life better.
Dutch proverb: "Too soon old, too late smart!"
Love and Courage!
Rick
I just finished reading through this chain of posts and appreciate the insight. My husband was first diagnosed with his RARE (he's the first reported case) of his type of cancer in March --- 8 weeks before our wedding!! He immediately had surgery and was recovering nicely and we were looking forward to our life together.
During our honeymoon he had complications and upon returning home we discovered the tumor came back and he needed additional surgery.
So 43 days into our marriage we are learning that because this type of cancer appeared in an area never reported before all the top cancer doctors have been reviewing his case. No one can give us any answers we want to hear because they have none. In addition they have now decided that since this came back aggressively they will fight it aggressively and are contemplating giving him double doses of chemo along with radiation.
My fear is just as the original poster said -- that later on my husband will feel like I have no idea what he went through. And while I can honestly say that physically I have no clue, emotionally I do as I am the one handling everything - he doesn't even speak with his doctors unless he had to go there for appointments. I'm the one running filling prescriptions, making appointments, making sure he has meals, pain killers, etc.
I read everyone;s comments carefully and they were great help to ensure I continue to be as supportive as I can.
Thanks0 -
Newbridenewbride said:Interesting posts...thanks
I just finished reading through this chain of posts and appreciate the insight. My husband was first diagnosed with his RARE (he's the first reported case) of his type of cancer in March --- 8 weeks before our wedding!! He immediately had surgery and was recovering nicely and we were looking forward to our life together.
During our honeymoon he had complications and upon returning home we discovered the tumor came back and he needed additional surgery.
So 43 days into our marriage we are learning that because this type of cancer appeared in an area never reported before all the top cancer doctors have been reviewing his case. No one can give us any answers we want to hear because they have none. In addition they have now decided that since this came back aggressively they will fight it aggressively and are contemplating giving him double doses of chemo along with radiation.
My fear is just as the original poster said -- that later on my husband will feel like I have no idea what he went through. And while I can honestly say that physically I have no clue, emotionally I do as I am the one handling everything - he doesn't even speak with his doctors unless he had to go there for appointments. I'm the one running filling prescriptions, making appointments, making sure he has meals, pain killers, etc.
I read everyone;s comments carefully and they were great help to ensure I continue to be as supportive as I can.
Thanks
First of all - I commend you for all that you are doing for your new husband, and your obvious commitment and love for him. You are a special person to be doing all that you are doing, and I hope that he loves you forever for doing this.
I do want to warn you, however, that all you are doing and going through, even with the best intentions in the world, will not qualify you to know what your husband is going through. It is not your mortality that is at stake. Take it from someone who has learned the hard way, and who may lose his marriage over the mistakes that I have made.
I don't have any idea what kind of issues you and your husband will encounter on your journey - every relationship and journey is different. We've all heard of people who go through cancer with great attitudes and who are grateful to their caregivers. Hopefuly this will be the case with your husband. But for many of us, no matter what we do or how hard we try, we will always be outsiders in this part of our spouse's lives. It hurts, but you can only make it worse by trying to think that you understand their struggle because you are by their side. Or even worse, as I have done, by trying to assert that our needs are as important as our spouse's needs while they are going through treatment.
My advice to you, for what it is worth, is to keep doing what you are doing with all the love and compassion you can muster, but to make a slight change to your attitude by realizing that you will never truly understand what their journey is like. And when you are with your husband, make his needs the top and, often, only priority.
By the way, unless they have been a caregiver themselves, the cancer patient will also not know what it is like for the caregiver. However, as I said above, it is their mortality at stake, not ours. Our journey is very important, and we need to prioritize our needs when we are away from our spouse, but the number 1 priority needs to be your husband, at least for now.
God Bless you and I pray that your journey can somehow be positive, and that you and your husband grow old together!0 -
This comment has been removed by the Moderatorslickwilly said:gthufford
I will start out saying that I am a man that had cancer. So women on the discussion boards might have different opinions then me. But it would help to know the type and location of the cancer along with any operations. If its breast or ovarian cancer it can throw many emotional issues into the mix just as prostate cancer does with men. I can say your wife is right in the fact that you will never understand what she is going through. For many of us cancer treatment was like having the worst case of flu you could ever have with all of our bones, muscles and everything else in our bodies in pain. The tests, procedures and treatments rob our dignity. Throw in a bunch of pain drugs and the effects of chemo and sometimes we are not thinking straight. Right now she has a million things running through her brain at a time. If your smart you will keep financial issues away from her as you can't put a price on her life. And she does not need to hear about how much this is costing. Are you cleaning, cooking and picking up after the kids? Are you watching her diet to make sure she is eating the right foods to rebuild after chemo? Are you keeping track of the drugs she is taking in case she forgets? And then of course we can move on to your initial reaction and what you said when this first started. If you made some insensitive statement that insulted her as a woman you might not get over that hump no matter what you do. Without knowing you and your wife and being inside your home its all a guessing game here. But just being a husband right now is not enough. You have to be a caregiver and that requires a lot more work. Best of luck Slickwilly0 -
Cancer and Divorcegthufford said:Newbride
First of all - I commend you for all that you are doing for your new husband, and your obvious commitment and love for him. You are a special person to be doing all that you are doing, and I hope that he loves you forever for doing this.
I do want to warn you, however, that all you are doing and going through, even with the best intentions in the world, will not qualify you to know what your husband is going through. It is not your mortality that is at stake. Take it from someone who has learned the hard way, and who may lose his marriage over the mistakes that I have made.
I don't have any idea what kind of issues you and your husband will encounter on your journey - every relationship and journey is different. We've all heard of people who go through cancer with great attitudes and who are grateful to their caregivers. Hopefuly this will be the case with your husband. But for many of us, no matter what we do or how hard we try, we will always be outsiders in this part of our spouse's lives. It hurts, but you can only make it worse by trying to think that you understand their struggle because you are by their side. Or even worse, as I have done, by trying to assert that our needs are as important as our spouse's needs while they are going through treatment.
My advice to you, for what it is worth, is to keep doing what you are doing with all the love and compassion you can muster, but to make a slight change to your attitude by realizing that you will never truly understand what their journey is like. And when you are with your husband, make his needs the top and, often, only priority.
By the way, unless they have been a caregiver themselves, the cancer patient will also not know what it is like for the caregiver. However, as I said above, it is their mortality at stake, not ours. Our journey is very important, and we need to prioritize our needs when we are away from our spouse, but the number 1 priority needs to be your husband, at least for now.
God Bless you and I pray that your journey can somehow be positive, and that you and your husband grow old together!
. I am a devoted husband of 14 years. We have had a VERY, VERY happy marriage. My wife battled breast cancer throughout almost all of 2011 and into 2012. I battled it with her, every step of the way. I cared for her like she was the only thing in my life. I went to nearly every single appointment and all 16 chemo rounds and all 5 surgeries.
The last surgery was a touch-up surgery, to inject fat in a few places, to even things out. Her self-esteem was low, as she had gained weight and hated her carved up body. AGAIN, I was super-supportive. She wanted a 'tummy tuck' to go along with the touch up surgery she was already getting - so we ponied up $8000 and got that done. That was in September. Once she healed, she has looked better than she has in 5 years....and that is when she started going out all the time. She goes out clubbing with her friends and leaves me at home with the kids. She has always been trustworthy, so I encourage her. A week ago, she started acting very strange and very secretive. When I did the hard core investigating, I found NO evidence of an affair - and frankly, it would be pretty tough for her to have a sexual affair, without nipples and still having issues with her body. But, nonetheless, she IS having an emotional affair with SOMETHING. Maybe a vision of a future life, or a chance to entertain some of the guys who have been flirting with her. Whatever it is, she is kicking me to the curb now and forsaking the futures of her children for her selfish needs right now.
The guys who leave women during cancer are the lowest forms of life on the planet. But, let's not lump all cancer divorces on the guys and point fingers. Satan, or whatever negative influences you believe in, has his was of getting into the most pure of minds and ripping their worlds apart, in order to satisfy some current desire.
I pray that my children will be minimally affected by her decision to want to split up with me. Whenever I bring it up to her, she makes excuses like, "the kids will be fine." This is the same person who a few months ago was VERY ANTI-DIVORCE and excoriated ANY friend or family member who wanted to get a divorce, when there were kids on the table.
THAT is how quickly Cancer can destroy a marriage THE OTHER WAY. The kids and I get tossed aside, while she is playing the Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying, the at-home-version.0 -
Phew, I've been there. I had
Phew, I've been there. I had a similar experience with my partner when they were diagnosed with cancer. I was thousands of miles away and when I arrived at their hospital bed, they gave me in immediate out. I declined. However, over the next few years, I found myself taking on more and more of a parental role and viewing my partner as more and more of a child given how needy they were. At once point, I was whiping their behind. At one point, I thought the relationship might never turn around. However, I am now three years later and they are officially out of treatment, though they have a bone marrow biopsy next week, and I feel completely different. Cancer can throw you for a loop, it flips everything on it's head. But I wouldn't be too quick to rush to judgement. Then again, if your partner decides you aren't for you, it might be something they felt before they got cancer and are just now brave enough to tell you. I really can't speak to you situation not being you. However, I would consider both sides of the coin.0 -
cancer has wrecked my marriage
My husband is in remission and has been doing well. He will be cancer free in a year. I am so grateful to be able to share with everyone that cancer can be beat. However, somewhere in all this I lost the man who was my husband. He seems to have turned inside himself. I miss him, and am not sure how I feel about this new person i seem to be married to.
I took care of my dad when he was ill, and caregiving is what I do by trade. For five years I've given him every form of support I know how. But i'm dissapearing. I don't think that this is a fair way to treat someone who has been there for 28 years. Loved and cherished our love for eachother. I get that hes mad about all this disease has taken from him, but why take it out on the one person who loves him no matter what.
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Sorryrlroth said:cancer has wrecked my marriage
My husband is in remission and has been doing well. He will be cancer free in a year. I am so grateful to be able to share with everyone that cancer can be beat. However, somewhere in all this I lost the man who was my husband. He seems to have turned inside himself. I miss him, and am not sure how I feel about this new person i seem to be married to.
I took care of my dad when he was ill, and caregiving is what I do by trade. For five years I've given him every form of support I know how. But i'm dissapearing. I don't think that this is a fair way to treat someone who has been there for 28 years. Loved and cherished our love for eachother. I get that hes mad about all this disease has taken from him, but why take it out on the one person who loves him no matter what.
So sorry to hear this
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thank you everyone for yourLindaK. said:Sorry
So sorry to hear this
thank you everyone for your stories. it truly makes me feel better.
my partner had ovarian and uterine cancer 4 years ago at age 36. we had a scare this summer but the tumor was not cancerous even though doctor doesn't believe it. pathlogy said no cancer. she has severe chemo brain and i was able to get her to see a neuropsychologist to work on skills to help her adapt. she has her second appointment today. it is so frustrating that the caregiving doesn't ever end. she is able to work which we are thankful because i can't support both of us on my wages. i love her very much and she had a very difficult journey to get to NED, job loss due to funding and the debt we have. i know we are young-i'm 33 now; but i feel so selfish when i think that we won't make it with all the stress. i have my own health issues and want to go back to school but i don't see how. i sometime wondering if i would be better off without her but i love her so much and she would struggle so much with out me. her memory is almost non-exsist its like living with someone with dimentia. its so tiring. i am thankful she is alive and no cancer and we still have our house barely, etc. we have lots to be thankful for but it gets to be so much. her sister and mom do not help a lot; my parents are not in my life and we have some great friends but they are all so busy to be able to help. if we could i would hire out some things like cleaning the house but we don't have any extra money (and just had to put $1800) into my car.
thank you for reading.
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Confused
Hello everyone,I'm happy that I found this site it's very helpful.my wife had breast cancer six years ago chemo radio etc etc she is back to work but is a different person.i helped her a lot through her treatment and beyond but I recall that about four years ago out of the blue she announced that our sex life was at an end,she has kept to her word,I've found it increasingly difficult to understand .at the two year stage after treatment I suggested she do something really big to mark her new start in life and not long after she suggested a holiday away with a friend,i thought it a great idea,it developed into a week on a cruise ship in the Caribbean,she loved it,she has since been on other holidays with friends in Europe one week each year and I'm fine with that,we are happy in our life but I find it hard when she says her hormones have been affected to the extent that she never feels like sex ,it is especially difficult when I see her looking at other men,I think to myself how does that work ? We go on holidays together about three times a year and have great fun but I'm unhappy beneath it all because I've lost the lover side of my wife.
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Cancer wrecked my marriage.rlroth said:cancer has wrecked my marriage
My husband is in remission and has been doing well. He will be cancer free in a year. I am so grateful to be able to share with everyone that cancer can be beat. However, somewhere in all this I lost the man who was my husband. He seems to have turned inside himself. I miss him, and am not sure how I feel about this new person i seem to be married to.
I took care of my dad when he was ill, and caregiving is what I do by trade. For five years I've given him every form of support I know how. But i'm dissapearing. I don't think that this is a fair way to treat someone who has been there for 28 years. Loved and cherished our love for eachother. I get that hes mad about all this disease has taken from him, but why take it out on the one person who loves him no matter what.
My husband is still in treatment, not really sure how he is doing because we are now going through divorce. He is on his third round of treatment and with each round, he got meaner. He is battling pancreatic cancer which in most cases has spread before even being diagnosed. His case was different. He was diagnosed early. Went almost a a year cancer free but it returned in two other places. I can honestly say that from the day he woke up from his original suregery, he was a totally different man and I have no idea who he is. My loving husband, the love of my life, never came back and it got progressively worse. We separated three times over a year because I could not handle how he talked to me, looked at me, and treated me. I spent so many days and nights in the hospital, dreading scan after scan, emergency room visits, small surgeries and countless sleepless nights just watching him all night long all to be treated worse than a criminal on the street? I'm sorry, but cancer does not give you the right to mistreat those who love you more than their own life and take care of you the best way they know how. No, I cannot say I know how he felt, but I know how I felt. I was watching the person that meant the most to me in this whole world slip away, my husband, my lover and my best friend. I begged the Lord to take me instead I was so distraught at his diagnosis, and now he is angry at me and everyone in the world because he has cancer at 53? What about the babies and young children who have not even lived their lives who struggle with cancer? I supported him every way I knew how but I will not be mentally abused by a sick or well person! I vowed in sickness and in health but I never said if he got sick he would have the right to be mean and abusive. Cancer is a cruel disease and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. i still love my husband and pray for him every day, every hour, and I pray that God has mercy on him and on me. I didn't give up, by I gave in.
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sometimesI'mout said:Cancer wrecked my marriage.
My husband is still in treatment, not really sure how he is doing because we are now going through divorce. He is on his third round of treatment and with each round, he got meaner. He is battling pancreatic cancer which in most cases has spread before even being diagnosed. His case was different. He was diagnosed early. Went almost a a year cancer free but it returned in two other places. I can honestly say that from the day he woke up from his original suregery, he was a totally different man and I have no idea who he is. My loving husband, the love of my life, never came back and it got progressively worse. We separated three times over a year because I could not handle how he talked to me, looked at me, and treated me. I spent so many days and nights in the hospital, dreading scan after scan, emergency room visits, small surgeries and countless sleepless nights just watching him all night long all to be treated worse than a criminal on the street? I'm sorry, but cancer does not give you the right to mistreat those who love you more than their own life and take care of you the best way they know how. No, I cannot say I know how he felt, but I know how I felt. I was watching the person that meant the most to me in this whole world slip away, my husband, my lover and my best friend. I begged the Lord to take me instead I was so distraught at his diagnosis, and now he is angry at me and everyone in the world because he has cancer at 53? What about the babies and young children who have not even lived their lives who struggle with cancer? I supported him every way I knew how but I will not be mentally abused by a sick or well person! I vowed in sickness and in health but I never said if he got sick he would have the right to be mean and abusive. Cancer is a cruel disease and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. i still love my husband and pray for him every day, every hour, and I pray that God has mercy on him and on me. I didn't give up, by I gave in.
You have to save yourself. I understand.
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Don't know what to do
my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 non-Hodgkins lymphoma in December. He chose not to share this news with most of our friends and family, including his own mother who lives out of town, or our grown daughter, also out of town. His reason was he did not want people talking about him. When they found out, which was inevitable it caused much pain and resentment.
he has now completed chemo CHOP treatments and will hopefully feel better soon. The problem is he his so unhappy and so angry and he is taking it out on me all the time. He barks orders, no courtesy, blames me for everything, nothing is ever right or ok. I work 3 days a week and he resents that...he wants me and only me at home to get him what he wants. He says "I can't believe you won't quit your job and take care of me", yet when I am home he is rude and mean most of the time.
he has been getting PT and OT for a leg injury and tells the therapists that he is doing things for himself ( he isn't) and getting angry when I tell him he needs to do some things for himself if he wants to move forward.
I am now resenting being treated like staff in my own home without seeing some sign that he wants to get better. I feel like our life has been hijacked by his illness. I have been to all appointments, and know the doctors, etc. they all recommend therapy for,him, any kind. A support group or individual therapy and he will have none of it.
he is now on anti depressants, but I see very little change. I finally asked him "don't you want to get better?" He said he is not sure.
i thought chemo treatments ending would cheer him up, but he doesn't feel better or different he says.
i want to,go and visit daughter and new baby but no matter what arrangement for his care gets put iin place, he is unhappy about it.
This makes me angry and resentful. If he doesn't want his life to be better, it is a lot of effort for me to keep trying to help and always having everything be only wrong or not to his liking.
Is it normal to be so gloomy? Does it get better over time?
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I'm sorry you are goingPerry1983 said:Don't know what to do
my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 non-Hodgkins lymphoma in December. He chose not to share this news with most of our friends and family, including his own mother who lives out of town, or our grown daughter, also out of town. His reason was he did not want people talking about him. When they found out, which was inevitable it caused much pain and resentment.
he has now completed chemo CHOP treatments and will hopefully feel better soon. The problem is he his so unhappy and so angry and he is taking it out on me all the time. He barks orders, no courtesy, blames me for everything, nothing is ever right or ok. I work 3 days a week and he resents that...he wants me and only me at home to get him what he wants. He says "I can't believe you won't quit your job and take care of me", yet when I am home he is rude and mean most of the time.
he has been getting PT and OT for a leg injury and tells the therapists that he is doing things for himself ( he isn't) and getting angry when I tell him he needs to do some things for himself if he wants to move forward.
I am now resenting being treated like staff in my own home without seeing some sign that he wants to get better. I feel like our life has been hijacked by his illness. I have been to all appointments, and know the doctors, etc. they all recommend therapy for,him, any kind. A support group or individual therapy and he will have none of it.
he is now on anti depressants, but I see very little change. I finally asked him "don't you want to get better?" He said he is not sure.
i thought chemo treatments ending would cheer him up, but he doesn't feel better or different he says.
i want to,go and visit daughter and new baby but no matter what arrangement for his care gets put iin place, he is unhappy about it.
This makes me angry and resentful. If he doesn't want his life to be better, it is a lot of effort for me to keep trying to help and always having everything be only wrong or not to his liking.
Is it normal to be so gloomy? Does it get better over time?
I'm sorry you are going through this. Depression and cancer so often go hand in hand. You can let his doctors know you see little change with the antidepressants but that is about all you can do. He has to want to help himself.
You are a caregiver, not a slave. Cancer patients will often tell caregivers "you have no idea what it's like" and guess what, no we don't. But that's no excuse for treating the caregiver poorly.
Set limits and stick with them. Let your husband know you are there for him but you will not tolerate verbal and emotional abuse.
Go visit your daughter and grandchild. Soon. Make the best care arrangements you can for your husband during your absence and have no guilt.
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Been There
Hi,
Let me begin by saying I have been exactly where you are. My wife went through a period during her treatment where she told me I was the stressor, I didn't understand anything and that even though I had been to every single appointment that she should have taken the couch, it did just as much good. She went through16 rounds of chemo, a double mastectomy only to find it had turned HER2 positive. That meant another 17 rounds of herceptin. It has been rough, we have taken a hit financially, we are losing our home and declaring bankruptcy. Through it all I kept assuring her I was there no matter what. For about 3 months it was almost daily where I'd hear how I was not supportive, was never there and couldn't understand. The past month things have turned the corner. I believe we are closer than ever. I think this is something that comes along with the cancer and we have to go through it. It does get better, it just may take some time. Your wife still loves you, she is going through a tremendous amount of stress and fear. As caregivers I believe noone knows how stressed we can be and we often do not have an outlet for that stress. We work full time, take care of the house and daily chores, take care of our loved ones and try to keep ourselves together. It's hard but we do it. I know you can pull through this also. I will look back often and see how you're doing. You are not alone!!
Doug
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I'mout
Dear I'mout
I am a 63 year old man who lost my wife to breast cancer in 2004. Even though I say it like that she is still here. But not the woman I knew at 3:30 on Christmas Eve 2003 when we got the phone call telling us she had cancer is gone. I have not seen her since. Our divorce was official in September of 2015. The chemo ripped her brain apart and stole the person that she was from me. I tried for over ten years to save my marriage but to no avail. We had a O.K. marriage before chemo. After chemo there was just no hope. The first year she would come to me crying saying "please help me I can't think, I can't remember things.". After that it was all down hill. By 2005 she wanted a divorce. I refused telling her she needed help. I tried everything. Our kids were only 13 and 10 at the time. She became terrible. Unreasonable, demanding, abusive. She could not reason out the most simple thing. And yet she continued to be an excellent nurse. I worked in the hospital and so had the oportunity to talk to psychologist and psychiatric colegues of mine as to what was happening to her. Her ability to continue at her job was normal they said but to them it sounded like she had fairly significant cognitive/thinking defecits. I told her what I had found out which only made things worse. She said I was trying to set her up. By the time of our divorce she said I was cheating her financially. I had to stop working in 2009 because of severe back problems. With my pension and disability I still broought in a fair amount of money. Her final word to me was She wanted her money so she could have a good life and retirement one day. I stood by her for 23 years of marriage. I shared every penny I had with her. In the end she found a way to cheat me out of my retirement savings. I am now disabled and penniless. I tell you this because in my opinion this was 99% due to chemo therapy and it's effect on her brain. I am in the process of beginning a fight to have the lie of chemo therapy exposed. It does not work, or works very little. So why do theu use it. Because they have had little else to use in years past and it is the number one money maker for cancer treatment. The profits are enormous. Good luck to you. I feel your pain.
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