2nd round of chemo tomorrow and I don't want to go

Cadharose,

I did it because the alternative was spreading cancer and guaranteed death.

I did it because it seemed like the experts were pretty confident in their plan.

I did it because a friend waited too long to get checked out and he died from curable cancer.

I did it because I’ve got more to do.

I did it because I am afraid.

I did it because the odds are in my favor (fingers crossed).

You say you understand radiation better, well you want those cancer cells all receptive to the big zap, I would.

Take a different nausea drug, don’t worry about the hair (you look great).

Dig down deep inside and psych yourself up, you can do this.  Don’t wallow with the negative, it will eat you up faster then chemo.

Wishing you strength from your Oregon warrior,

Matt

I had a nausea and vomiting phobia before chemo. It sounds silly, but feeling ill and throwing up were the things that scared me the most going into treatments. I really dreaded it... and then I got gastroparesis from the narcotics (rare side effect) and my fear came true: I was sick all the time. Then I got to both dread the chemo and then worry about throwing up the whole time it was in progress. So I'm saying this from the point of view of having dreaded the chemo more than anything else.

Take something to occupy you while you're in the chair. I took a laptop and headphones, and played a video game. Watch a movie, surf the web... do something that can mentally transport you somewhere else. 

I also kept in mind the goal of chemo. Cancer cells, like all cells, can travel throughout the body. The hope is that it's still encapsulated when you're undergoing radiation, so all the cancer cells are destroyed in the process. ..... but what if they aren't? That's the nagging worry, right? What if a stray cancer cell has managed to travel away from the site, it has established a new "colony," but it was too small to show up on PET scans?

That's what chemo is for. Radiation is the targeted brush that scrubs away the known cancer. Chemo is the mouthwash that gets into all the cracks and crevices and destroys any cells that managed to escape the primary zone. One dose isn't enough--it takes a certain threshold of the chemo drug to ensure the cancer cells can't replicate.

Don't give up! Soon you'll be done and you'll move ahead with no regrets. :-)

cadharose said:

Thank you. Your post is a big

Thank you. Your post is a big help.

It is a perfectly rationale feeling to not to want to put poison in your body. Humans have for thousands of years avoided substances that were bitter, or smelled bad, or were strange colors. You are just responding normally. It's a synergistic relationship chemo/radiation,  they work better together. Don't put yourself through radiation without the benefit of chemo and in my personal opinion, the easier of the two.  Thank-God you don't want to do this,  understand that feeling to be just normal, understand that the very reason that it scares you is the very reason why it works. You can do this and remember to sit close to the bathroom! 

chemo right now.....but thought I'd share what my Oncologist said to me....

"When a man is riding herd on 100 million cancer cells, one's bound to get away"..... Don't know if it's because I live in Montana and that's how he felt he could make the case, or if my Onc is an old western buff.....but when I asked that's how he explained it to me...LOL.

Nobody "wants" to go to chemo.....it's a matter of taking all your tools to job.  I know your feeling of dread.....I didn't have it when I got the 3 Cisplatins during radiation.....but by the time I was getting the 6th adjuvent chemo with 5FU, I really did entertain the thought of not getting it.  The difference between Cisplatin and 5FU for me was.....one week sick compared to 2 1/2 weeks sick, along with bleeding mouth sores, and blood counts that were in the toilet. 

Keep thinking of those 2 weeks you feel better....and keep your eyes on the goal....ALL of this is temporary.....

Loved your answer Matt....going to put it in my faves...

p

phrannie51 said:

You're probably getting your

chemo right now.....but thought I'd share what my Oncologist said to me....

"When a man is riding herd on 100 million cancer cells, one's bound to get away"..... Don't know if it's because I live in Montana and that's how he felt he could make the case, or if my Onc is an old western buff.....but when I asked that's how he explained it to me...LOL.

Nobody "wants" to go to chemo.....it's a matter of taking all your tools to job.  I know your feeling of dread.....I didn't have it when I got the 3 Cisplatins during radiation.....but by the time I was getting the 6th adjuvent chemo with 5FU, I really did entertain the thought of not getting it.  The difference between Cisplatin and 5FU for me was.....one week sick compared to 2 1/2 weeks sick, along with bleeding mouth sores, and blood counts that were in the toilet. 

Keep thinking of those 2 weeks you feel better....and keep your eyes on the goal....ALL of this is temporary.....

Loved your answer Matt....going to put it in my faves...

p

 

Hi Phrannie.  I too, was moved by Matt's response.  Could you please tell me just how do I put a response into my favorites?

Skiffin16 said:

Why...

Well number one reason is to be here this time next year posting that you are NED.... That you did everything that you could to kill the disease and any chances of recurrance.

In my opinion, rads is much worse than chemo, and with the longer side effects that keep on giving.

Suck it up, do the deed..., and take with you the knowledge you did all that you could and all that the MD's suggested for the best chances of cure...

I don't think that any of us are/were particularly excited about treatment.., you do what you have to do to survive.

Best,

John

 

I also had a hard time the week following my 1st Cisplatin tx. so my ONC cut it back to half doses every week. That solved my problems. I agree with John, who is probably out fishing right now because of his tx, that radiation was and still is much harder on me than chemo ever was. And to Matt...well said!

Hi Cadharose,

You have received some wonderful points of view and Matt "hit IT out of the park". We all approach treatments in our own way and react to them as time and treatments go on. I tried to look at the chemo as solders coming onto my body to "track down and destroy the invaders". Seriously, I pictured warriors entering my bloodstream seeking out the "very bad guys" and I cheered them on to do whatever they needed to do to 'WIPE THEM OUT!" So far they have and that was in 1991 at which time chemo was accompanied by radiation simultaneously as a relatively new treatment. I pray for you and all our brothers and sisters who like you are fighting for their lives. We are right there with you, josh r.

CivilMatt said:

It is worth it!!!

Cadharose,

I did it because the alternative was spreading cancer and guaranteed death.

I did it because it seemed like the experts were pretty confident in their plan.

I did it because a friend waited too long to get checked out and he died from curable cancer.

I did it because I’ve got more to do.

I did it because I am afraid.

I did it because the odds are in my favor (fingers crossed).

You say you understand radiation better, well you want those cancer cells all receptive to the big zap, I would.

Take a different nausea drug, don’t worry about the hair (you look great).

Dig down deep inside and psych yourself up, you can do this.  Don’t wallow with the negative, it will eat you up faster then chemo.

Wishing you strength from your Oregon warrior,

Matt

CivilMatt,

Just wanted to say I found your message inspiring.  I don't battle cancer, but my father does.  We are really close and I have been very down about finding out about his recent diagnosis of sinus cancer so I recently turned to this site for support  

Glad to hear that you stayed so positive.  I hope my father is able to do the same!