I wish my daughter was nicer to me

lizzie17 · May 2013

My daughter---who is 29---informed me yesterday that she never cried, shed a tear, nothing!!! after my diagnosis, all of

my tests, and ongoing scans....

double mastectomy, treatment, etc. Not until 3 years into this, and she was talking to her boyfriend did she really

show any emotion.

I don't know.....this was information I didn't need to know. It just feels hurtful.

cowgal · May 2013

Perhaps she was trying to be

Perhaps she was trying to be strong for you and not have you see her cry. I know when I told my family about my cancer, my sister just started crying and I ended up having to reassure her that I was going to beat it. People react in different ways but it doesn't mean that they don't care.

camul · May 2013

Oh Lizzie
I dont know your situation, my boys are about the same age as your daughter. 28 & 29. I was a single mom for many years and it was always me and the boys! So this disease hit them hard. Mets the worse.
Thankfully they both found a counselor and one is married and his wife is there for him, the other one has a long term gf who is very supportive.
They dont talk much to me about their feelings, until they have figured out where they are.
We have had so many ups and downs and they deal with it in their own way, which I have found means they dont want me to feel bad. My younger son has his own blood cancer that he is dealing with and he doesnt want me to worry about him!
At this point, it is all about enjoying the time we have together and it is not easy.
I know they care because we have always loved to fish, and they go to not so good fishing spots that I can access so we can still spend the time together.
Now when I see one of them struggling, I tell them I need a hug, but really I know we both do. Amazing how much is communicated with no words, just a simple hug.

Hugs and prayers,
Carol

Treecy1106 · May 2013

Lizzie

Our children as well as ourselves do not know how we will handle certain trauma in our lives. I think because you have gone through BC you are overly sensitive to everything. I can totally relate but DO NOT allow yourself to feel hurt over this.

I think your daughter handles things the way she can handle things and you should not expect her to handle your illness any other way.

When you EXPECT you receive disappointment, when you receive disappointment you get HURT!

No need for it. I am sure she loves you and you love her feel good about that! I for one have two sons and am a single parent. I didn't see my sons cry and I didn't give it a second thought.

The last thing in this life I would want is for my children to suffer through my illness. I know it affected them I didn't need to be reassured as I am sure you don't either! I want to spend as much time as I can with them laughing, joking and singing....nothing else!

Concentrate more on building your immune system to keep your body in the fighting mode to keep BC in its place...through food, water and vitamins. )))

Hope this helps!!

(((HUGS)))

Rague · May 2013

Tears do not necessarily equate to care/emotions.

I know MANY can simply 'turn on' tears for 'tears' that really mean nothing - just for whatever their agenda is.

We are each so unique in our life experiences which are what mold us into who/what we really are 'today'. Me - I'm an USAF 'brat', a USA veteran and wife of a USN (R) man. So I've always known strength.

I/We have no daughters. I am very close with him and fairly certain that he never 'cried' for me - never asked. I wouldn't want him to. He was 'there' for me (and his Dad/my Hubby) throughout. He took over all barn/horse chores without being asked that I wasn't up to. At the time of DX, my 'daily driver' was a stick shift GMC Sonoma. He decided he didn't want me to have to drive a stick shift or to have to drive my automatic 3/4t Dodge - so he found a fantastic deal on a Bronco II that was an auto and a 4x4 (just in case I needed it ) and gave it to me. Still have it and love it.

Hubby (Dx'd when we had been married 33 yrs) as far as I know, he has never shed tears for me. (He had lost his Mom when he was 9 to Cervical Cance so it's been really hard on him.) He has always been/is there for me - but in ways that I need/needed - not his agenda. He took over all house work, dog care and cooking unless I wanted to do it. That is what matters to me - supporting/handling what has to be done is FAR more important than 'tears'. He always knows about all my apt. - but he never asks about them - IF there is 'something' he 'NEEDS TO KNOW', he knows I'll tell him. But then it's bsically how our life together has always been - he was USN so could be gone at a moments notice so he never worried - knew I could/would handle 'whatever' (with complete POA) -still have one as does he.

SIROD · May 2013

Some Cry, Some Don't

Did you overhear the conversation or did she tell you? Not crying doesn't mean anything. It took me 18 1/2 years after diagnose to shed a tear and that was a few months ago when I was out of hormonal drug therapies and had to go on chemo. I burst into tear, the first time in all that time. Only for about a minute before I got control once again. I had 3 recurrences, a regional one 4 years after dx, then mets the following year, I was NED on Arimidex for 8 years when a ct scan revealed I had widespread lungs, pleura and pleura effusion. I didn't cry once learning these diagnoses.

I don't think anyone cried for me either. It doesn't mean they don't care. I know my family and friends do. Crying for some is just a form of release. Some people need to cry, others don't. No one knows what each of us do in the privacy of your own bedroom, car and etc.

Hope this helps.

Doris

LoveBabyJesus · May 2013

Ok not to cry.

Hi sweet sister,

I think it is OK not to cry. This happens sometimes. Not everyone shows the emotions the same way. I also think "denial" played a role on this. Denail is a very powerful thing to have. I am not saying your daughter didn't feel hurt, but perhaps this was something that did not completly sink into her head. I don't know your daughter or your relationshiop, but I went through this dx as well and I noticed everyone acted differently, including family members. Some cried. Some didn't (I was dx at 32). But this is OK. Your daughter is still young. I agree there was no need to communicate this to you, BUT this also shows she is still growing as a young girl. I can bet, that if something happens to you, years later, she would be devastated, because at that point, she would be more matured and "denial" would be taken away. Reality would hit her.

Don't doubt you are loved. Not crying does not mean they don't love you. It means they are being strong for you.

Sending you hugs sweet sister!

XOXO

disneyfan2008 · May 2013

boy your COMMENT caught my

boy your COMMENT caught my eye-

I had cancer 4 1/2 yrs ago. Had surgery, radiation then hystectomy 2 yrs ago due to tamoxifen. MY daugter has never visisted me (SHE LIVES HOME with her kids) while in for days for even 12 hrs for same day surgery (even if not working)

She has never asked to help me , get me anything. Ironcially she works in an imagining ctr (Medical) and she will say " I have laides come cry on my shoulder-yet she has never hugged me, asked how I was-just like nothing has happened. SHE sees/ hears many woman at her job being told the have Breast cancer.

I do not take it persoanl-sadly but she is what she is..NO changing it..I can not make her love me or even like me. So you are not alone-not that it helps you or makes you feel any better...but i can relate for sure.

(she is 26 & i care for her boys daily)

Denise

disneyfan2008 · May 2013

ONE somewhat nice comment she

ONE somewhat nice comment she made to me is when I had my hystercomty she said:

YOU ARE NOT super woman you know...(he way of saying take it easy I think)

Denise

lizzie17 · May 2013

cowgal said:
Perhaps she was trying to be
Perhaps she was trying to be strong for you and not have you see her cry. I know when I told my family about my cancer, my sister just started crying and I ended up having to reassure her that I was going to beat it. People react in different ways but it doesn't mean that they don't care.

thank you everyone for your thoughts!

I guess I really didn't think to say in my post more about our relationship, and one of you brought that up. Good point.

No, it has not been good for many years, sadly. I always try to be a good mom, listen, help, shop with her,

and agree to things I am either too tired or too broke to do: pedicures, etc. I think her comment hit me like a ton

of bricks, and it sounded so cold. We were out shopping, and had been at the seamtress in the morning for her final

bridal gown fitting. What I do need to realize is that at 29, she is who she is. I have been a single parent for 26 years,

and I think I tried too hard to be both mom and dad. And I need to concentrate on building my immune system and trying to

stay as healthy as possible. I still work full-time and look forward to retiring, but I am not there yet!!!

Thanks for sharing with me. And listening to me.

breastcancer46 · May 2013

lizzie17 said:
thank you everyone for your thoughts!
I guess I really didn't think to say in my post more about our relationship, and one of you brought that up. Good point.

No, it has not been good for many years, sadly. I always try to be a good mom, listen, help, shop with her,

and agree to things I am either too tired or too broke to do: pedicures, etc. I think her comment hit me like a ton

of bricks, and it sounded so cold. We were out shopping, and had been at the seamtress in the morning for her final

bridal gown fitting. What I do need to realize is that at 29, she is who she is. I have been a single parent for 26 years,

and I think I tried too hard to be both mom and dad. And I need to concentrate on building my immune system and trying to

stay as healthy as possible. I still work full-time and look forward to retiring, but I am not there yet!!!

Thanks for sharing with me. And listening to me.

Your daughter

Oh my goodness...I just logged on for some support or happy stories and it seems that I'm reading my own story in yours. I have a 25 year old daughter who I raised by myself and she has 2 boys that love to the moon and back that are my grandsons. I thought we had a strong relationship until I was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. I thought for sure she would be the one by my side, boy was I wrong. I have done everything for her like you have done for your daughter, trying to make up for the absent father I guess. I over compensated too much I guess. I too have worked full time during my treatment and have struggled and she has not kept a steady job and her boyfriends are losers that don't work and mom has always been there to fix everything. Well, I can't fix everything anymore and tonight everything came to a blow and I told her that and now she says that the cancer has changed me she used to have a mom that loved her and didn't want her to fail and now all I am is negative. Well, she doesn't give me too much positive to work with right now and I cannot bail her out of her problems becuase let's face it....cancer treatments are expensive and I still have a 9 year old daughter at home and a husband that is currently on medical leave for vertigo, so yea...momma is a little negative about digging her out of her hole right now.

We didn't do anything wrong but love our girls and give them too much and we didn't demand respect because we were too busy making a home and life for them because we didn't want them to grow up and have it as rough as we did. Sounds like all they know how to do is take and I don't have anything left for her take and I don't have any money to give so I'm a piece of crap and she doesn't want to ever talk to me again. It does hurt when we finally realize that what we were doing was right and to find out that it must have been the wrong way...I guess...

I'm so sorry you are hurt and hopefully our daughters will realize that the world isn't revolving around them and we're only here for a short while and I hope they don't have any regrets. I don't yet....

coco2008 · May 2013

disneyfan2008 said:
ONE somewhat nice comment she
ONE somewhat nice comment she made to me is when I had my hystercomty she said:

YOU ARE NOT super woman you know...(he way of saying take it easy I think)

Denise

I know what you mean, it hurts

I have 3 kids. One on each coast and one living next door. The kids on the coasts are taking it seriously. My daughter next door wanted to make my appointments so they would fit into her schedule. She even wanted me to postpone surgery for 3 or 4 weeks to make it easier to fit into her schedule.

I called a friend and she took me to my surgerys and appointments when they wouldn't let me drive home. I haven't asked her for any assistance. I treat her like nothing is going on and she doesn't ask how I am doing or what's going on.

I cried for days because of the way she treated me. Then I realized that it could be a form of denial. She cannot accept my cancer, so she treats it like it was no big deal.

Maybe this is true of your daughter as well. She can talk to you now because only now can she accept it.

I wish my daughter was nicer to me

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