My family is smothering me

VivianLee5689
VivianLee5689 Member Posts: 546
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

Ok I have complained multiple times that I didn't get any support when David was sick.  Now today my family is smothering me. Everyone wants me to spend my anniversary with them.  Well you know I dont want to.  I will be spending that day with the Gabbards. That is where I want to be.  When I try to explain then they want me to come the next week to stay a few days. I really am trying to move on and want to not have people who will pull me back down into the grief.  I just want to have positive in my life.

Comments

  • Duggie88
    Duggie88 Member Posts: 760 Member
    #2
    Vivian

    Sometimes in order to keep your own sanity you have to force others to lose theirs. I'm sure they eman no harm they are doing what they think may help you. Tell them exactly how you feel it may shock them but it will lift it off your shoulders. Maybe have someone else close to you inform them of your feelings and wishes. I think it might be time for that road trip you've been thinking about. You have to do whats best for you. Just my 2 cents worth.

    Take care......................thoughts and prayers

          Jeff

  • TheOtherDitto
    TheOtherDitto Member Posts: 58
    #3
    Their way of supporting you

    Sweet Vivian -

    Your family is trying to let you know they care and don't want you to be alone.  Sounds like they want to bring you into the fold and show their love for you and support you during your time of grief and trying to move on.  I remember I used to get very upset with my 2 of my brothers and my sister when my mom was in Hospice and I didn't feel like they were leaving her care to myself and my middle brother.  I thought they didn't care as much as I and my brother did because we were there dealing with it every day and they weren't.  After my mom passed and we had to do some things at the funeral home, one of my brothers told me "Diane I just can't do it, it's too hard for me to do this part of it but I'll stay home and go through the pictures for the DVD that was going to be playing during her memorial".  It was at that moment that I realized we were all grieving in our own very different ways.  They couldn't bear to see my mom as she declined; to my brother and I it seemed like a gift that we were able to do this, be there for her and take care of her every need or want during her last weeks.  I didn't see what they saw; I only saw my mother slipping away and I wanted every moment with her.  I didn't see that before she passed as I was only focused on how I was feeling and reacting.  When we were all together after she passed and had time to talk about it and voice our hurt and anger about what "we" (my brother and I) thought was an injustice to my mother did we realize that we all grieved, just in different ways.  No one's way was the "right" way and there wasn't a "wrong" way, we all handled it and grieved in different ways.  At that moment my disappointment and anger towards them disappeared because I realized everyone was right and they didn't have to grieve the same way I did.  Your family grieved differently than you did but that doesn't mean they didn't/don't care, they are there waiting to support you and asking you to reach out to them.  I know this is long but maybe my experience can help you a bit.  I'm sure they understand your desire to spend your anniversary with David's family; but they also have the desire to support you and have reached out to you - grab hold of their offer with love and let them comfort you.  

    Blessings,

    Diane

  • VivianLee5689
    VivianLee5689 Member Posts: 546
    #4
    TheOtherDitto said:

    Their way of supporting you

    Sweet Vivian -

    Your family is trying to let you know they care and don't want you to be alone.  Sounds like they want to bring you into the fold and show their love for you and support you during your time of grief and trying to move on.  I remember I used to get very upset with my 2 of my brothers and my sister when my mom was in Hospice and I didn't feel like they were leaving her care to myself and my middle brother.  I thought they didn't care as much as I and my brother did because we were there dealing with it every day and they weren't.  After my mom passed and we had to do some things at the funeral home, one of my brothers told me "Diane I just can't do it, it's too hard for me to do this part of it but I'll stay home and go through the pictures for the DVD that was going to be playing during her memorial".  It was at that moment that I realized we were all grieving in our own very different ways.  They couldn't bear to see my mom as she declined; to my brother and I it seemed like a gift that we were able to do this, be there for her and take care of her every need or want during her last weeks.  I didn't see what they saw; I only saw my mother slipping away and I wanted every moment with her.  I didn't see that before she passed as I was only focused on how I was feeling and reacting.  When we were all together after she passed and had time to talk about it and voice our hurt and anger about what "we" (my brother and I) thought was an injustice to my mother did we realize that we all grieved, just in different ways.  No one's way was the "right" way and there wasn't a "wrong" way, we all handled it and grieved in different ways.  At that moment my disappointment and anger towards them disappeared because I realized everyone was right and they didn't have to grieve the same way I did.  Your family grieved differently than you did but that doesn't mean they didn't/don't care, they are there waiting to support you and asking you to reach out to them.  I know this is long but maybe my experience can help you a bit.  I'm sure they understand your desire to spend your anniversary with David's family; but they also have the desire to support you and have reached out to you - grab hold of their offer with love and let them comfort you.  

    Blessings,

    Diane

    Thanks Diane

    I see what you are saying and appreciate where should are coming from.  Unfortunately my family lives for drama and I know that they will use any time they spend with me to tell everyone how hard it is to watch me so sad.  I know that sounds callus, but comes with 42 years of experience.  My mom although I love her always needs me to take care of her.  She is only 62 and in good health, but she acts helpless.  I can't help her at this time.  My sister even though she is a good person wants to know everything about the situation so she can keep everyone up to date.  We call her the historian.  I just want to be left alone.  I hmove married into a great family and for now I am clinging close to them. 

  • katenorwood
    katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
    #5
    TheOtherDitto said:

    Their way of supporting you

    Sweet Vivian -

    Your family is trying to let you know they care and don't want you to be alone.  Sounds like they want to bring you into the fold and show their love for you and support you during your time of grief and trying to move on.  I remember I used to get very upset with my 2 of my brothers and my sister when my mom was in Hospice and I didn't feel like they were leaving her care to myself and my middle brother.  I thought they didn't care as much as I and my brother did because we were there dealing with it every day and they weren't.  After my mom passed and we had to do some things at the funeral home, one of my brothers told me "Diane I just can't do it, it's too hard for me to do this part of it but I'll stay home and go through the pictures for the DVD that was going to be playing during her memorial".  It was at that moment that I realized we were all grieving in our own very different ways.  They couldn't bear to see my mom as she declined; to my brother and I it seemed like a gift that we were able to do this, be there for her and take care of her every need or want during her last weeks.  I didn't see what they saw; I only saw my mother slipping away and I wanted every moment with her.  I didn't see that before she passed as I was only focused on how I was feeling and reacting.  When we were all together after she passed and had time to talk about it and voice our hurt and anger about what "we" (my brother and I) thought was an injustice to my mother did we realize that we all grieved, just in different ways.  No one's way was the "right" way and there wasn't a "wrong" way, we all handled it and grieved in different ways.  At that moment my disappointment and anger towards them disappeared because I realized everyone was right and they didn't have to grieve the same way I did.  Your family grieved differently than you did but that doesn't mean they didn't/don't care, they are there waiting to support you and asking you to reach out to them.  I know this is long but maybe my experience can help you a bit.  I'm sure they understand your desire to spend your anniversary with David's family; but they also have the desire to support you and have reached out to you - grab hold of their offer with love and let them comfort you.  

    Blessings,

    Diane

    A gigantic like button for the above

    Vivian,

    No one can tell you how to react to what you are feeling or needing right now.  I say a prayer for you every single night my dear girl.  All I can say is take things one day at a time, and even one moment at a time for awhile.  I experienced almost exactly what Diane did with my Mother's journey.  We are all different, and I can tell you be honest with people....but try to be gentle.  You have and will be a part of our family here always.  Hugs sent Vivian !  Katie 

  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,034 Member
    #6
    You can't please everyone......

    Vivian,

    I'll keep this short, the ONLY person you should worry about is yourself for now. Your mind controls how you feel, how you feel controls how you act. If at this present moment, you feel uncomfortable around your family, then shy away for a spell. You mentioned you married into a nice family and feel at ease with them, then that is what you do. The important person now is you, take care of you now, sounds alittle selfish, when you feel good inside, it shows outside.

    My Best to You and Everyone Here

  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
    #7
    MarineE5 said:

    You can't please everyone......

    Vivian,

    I'll keep this short, the ONLY person you should worry about is yourself for now. Your mind controls how you feel, how you feel controls how you act. If at this present moment, you feel uncomfortable around your family, then shy away for a spell. You mentioned you married into a nice family and feel at ease with them, then that is what you do. The important person now is you, take care of you now, sounds alittle selfish, when you feel good inside, it shows outside.

    My Best to You and Everyone Here

    Vivian

    Family may have good intentions but you should do what makes you comfortable. It's ok to say that you appreciate their caring but, right now, you feel the need to be alone. Just assure them you are safe. It's easier to lay your cards on the table than to make excuses.

  • yensid683
    yensid683 Member Posts: 349
    #8
    Been there - done that

    Vivian, I know exactly what you are experiencing with your family.  My family also was well into the drama and what sounds like self centeredness, offering support but really looking for what they could use a weapons.

    I learned a long time ago how to deal with them, simply acknowledge what they want, show an appreciation for it, but let them know you made other plans and then leave it open for a future visit...."I appreciate your concern and support but I've already made plans that I just don't want to change, perhaps another time"?  When you're ready to face the 'show', you can and do it on your own terms.

    All the best

  • Tim6003
    Tim6003 Member Posts: 1,514 Member
    #9
    yensid683 said:

    Been there - done that

    Vivian, I know exactly what you are experiencing with your family.  My family also was well into the drama and what sounds like self centeredness, offering support but really looking for what they could use a weapons.

    I learned a long time ago how to deal with them, simply acknowledge what they want, show an appreciation for it, but let them know you made other plans and then leave it open for a future visit...."I appreciate your concern and support but I've already made plans that I just don't want to change, perhaps another time"?  When you're ready to face the 'show', you can and do it on your own terms.

    All the best

    Vivian ...

    Agreed.  Hang with your new family if that is what makes you happy....then come see all of us!! ...

     

    You know we are all crazy (in a good way of course)  :)

     

    Tim

  • Ingrid K
    Ingrid K Member Posts: 813
    #10
    Tim6003 said:

    Vivian ...

    Agreed.  Hang with your new family if that is what makes you happy....then come see all of us!! ...

     

    You know we are all crazy (in a good way of course)  :)

     

    Tim

    you do what is best for YOU

    Vivian.....

    ditto what everyone else has said.

    spend your time with the people who make you smile.....

    get the toxic people out of your life for a while.   You need a break from all of that.

     

  • NJShore
    NJShore Member Posts: 429 Member
    #11
    What great advice

    Vivian,

    Sorry that your family, all with their best intentions, is not going to help make it easy... but what great advice I've just read in your thread... I feel like I should take notes for life sometimes when reading these threads! Great CSN family.

    The great part is you have a good plan for your day.. one that will give you some peace and one that will be full of love. Those Gabbards are pretty special people. I am happy that you found your plan for the day.

    Hugs, Kari

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