Thank You All So Much For Your Prayer & Healing Thoughts

wolfen
wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1

I will sleep very little, if at all, tonight. I made the decision today to have my beloved husband removed from life support systems at noon tomorrow. His condition has rapidly deteriorated over the last two days. The ventilator is now completely breathing for him and the pacemaker has taken over 100%. He is in a drugged sleep, not responsive to anything, and will never wake again. I am crying as I try to type. At least four doctors have validated that he will never come out of this. They have deactivated the defib portion of his device so that he won't receive continuous shocks. I will hold in my heart the memory from two nights ago as he waved his fingers at us as we told him we loved him & would be back in the morning. It is all I have right now. Later, I will have time to reflect on our forty one years together.

Hospice has arranged to put him on a portable ventilator & transport him home. Home is where he would want to be & I have done my best to honor his wishes. A bed and other equipment now faces me in the family room where I am sleeping as I gave Debbie & her husband my bed. I will look at that all night long. A doctor & two nurses will be here to make him comfortable & remove the ventilator. It will be a matter of a few minutes to hours for us to spend with him one last time. I am frightened as Hospice does not stay until the end, but together Robert & I will do this for him. Robert & I will ride in the ambulance in case he expires during transport. I could not ask Debbie to do that, nor can I ask her to be present as he goes on his final journey. She faces her own mortality each day & it is too much for her.

We left the hospital for a few hours today to make funeral arrangements. They are simple, but expensive. He always used to tell me "When I'm gone, just put me in a pine box & stick me in the ground."  So I selected a wooden casket that looks like that pine box. There will be a small graveside service on Tuesday. It is a surreal feeling to know that I've done this & that on Monday, I'll select flowers for my husband. I know some of you have faced this very thing.

I hope I have not offended anyone by posting this much information.

Please keep us in your hearts as I do this thing. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Luv,

Wolfen


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Comments

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
    #2
    Oh Wolfen, I'm so sorry.   We

    Oh Wolfen, I'm so sorry.   We went through this with my mother-in-law a yr and a half ago, when the baby was 6 weeks old...actually a couple of days before his Christening.   This is such a horrible decision for you to have to make, but I'm sure one that your husband would support and want you to make.   Try to remember that and the good times you've had, especially over the next few days.  Prayers and hugs.   Lean on family and friends as much as you can.

  • lilacbrroller
    lilacbrroller Member Posts: 412 Member
    #3
    so sorry

    Karen - 

    I nearly cried when I read your post - I'm so sorry about your loss. But what made me and happy and cry at the same time was that you were lucky to have your last words to your husband be I love you. He got to hear it, you got to say it, and the last connection you made was love.   That is the best thing ever, especially for him.  

    peace for the journey,

    Karin

  • Semira
    Semira Member Posts: 381 Member
    #4
    oh my dear...

    dear Wolfen. I wish I could offer more then a tender hug.

    Wishing you strenth

    Petra

  • Chelsea71
    Chelsea71 Member Posts: 1,169 Member
    #5
    Hi Wolfen,
    I am so sorry. As
    Hi Wolfen,

    I am so sorry. As difficult as this is, you will get through it. You have been a wonderful wife and caregiver. You've done all you can for him. He is lucky to have you.

    Chelsea
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #6
    Dearest Wolfen

    The fact that each of us are mortal and must pass on, will never make it easier on those we leave behind who love us best.

    May the strength of thousands lift you up and hold you as you deal with the last earthly details.

    May the love of all of us here and all who know you bring you some comfort.

    You and your entire family are in our hearts and prayers.

    Love,

    Marie who loves kitties

  • johnnybegood
    johnnybegood Member Posts: 1,117 Member
    #7
    Chelsea71 said:

    Hi Wolfen,
    I am so sorry. As
    Hi Wolfen,

    I am so sorry. As difficult as this is, you will get through it. You have been a wonderful wife and caregiver. You've done all you can for him. He is lucky to have you.

    Chelsea

    just thought i

    would reply on this difficult morning as my mother is still sleeping.thank you so much for your support and prayers.to me my stepdad is already in heaven and it is just a body on a machine.but i have to honor my mothers and brothers wishes to bring him home.i so wish buzzard was here as he always gave me words of comfort.i will try to be there as much as i can for my mother as she loses the love of her life but just knowing right now taking chemo is what is keeping my cancer from growing but i also know that death for me will also come before i get to reach in my sixties.our Lord is with me and my family and that gives me comfort i truly wish my brother and mother could get comfort from that too but for now i will just let the Lord work thru me to help comfort them     Godbless to all   Johnnybegood

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #8
    Although I have never met you

    Although I have never met you I know you are a beautiful person. I am so so truly sorry that your heart is breaking and that you were forced to make such a tuff decision. I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that your decision will end your husbands suffering. I admire your  courage and selflessness. I hope you will remain a part of this community.

     

    Love to you and your family

     

    Jeff

  • steveandnat
    steveandnat Member Posts: 886
    #9
    Bless you for your strength

    Your husband is very fortunate he has you. You have been such a trooper through this battle with cancer. I know he will be in a better place and the pain and suffering will be over for him. Again may he rest in peace and I pray you canrave wonderful memories of all your years together. Jeff

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
    #10
    This breaks my heart.

    I am so sorry, Wolfen.  You've been such a wonderful wife to him.  If love alone could save a life, I know you would have saved his a million times over.  Hugs to you, dear lady.  AA

  • fatbob2010
    fatbob2010 Member Posts: 467 Member
    #11
    There are no words

    Wolfen,

    There are no words that I can add to others.  Your strength and that of JBG are an inspiration.  We all have to cross the bridge from this life to the next, there are no exceptions.  Please accept my wishes for you and JBG of comfort and that peace that comes from doing all one can.  Art 

  • wawaju04976
    wawaju04976 Member Posts: 316 Member
    #12
    I am just so sorry. You and

    I am just so sorry. You and your family have been thru so much.

    Judy

  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #13
    You are ALWAYS in my heart, dearest!

    I had to wait a few moments until my eyes cleared from the tears....

     

    I am so proud of you, darling!  I walk every step with you, and know that you are wise far beyond your time spent on this earth.  

    I can but send 'cyber hugs' to you and all of your family.

    I have, sadly, walk the path you walk, and it was surreal for me as well.  Know that you have many, many friends to turn to for support...

     

    I had a thumbprint made from my daughter after she passed.  It was cast in silver...pretty.  I don't wear it all of the time, but know exactly where it is.

     

    As we age, our shoulders can become weighed down by the emotional burdens of living.  But only if we let them.  Walk proud, dear one, shoulders straight! You gave your love the dignity and the caring for all that you could.

    As he rests, you should rest a bit.  Don't try to accomplish all in a hurry...all will wait as you gather your strength.

     

    Hugs and love, Kathi

  • Deena11
    Deena11 Member Posts: 199 Member
    #14
    So sorry

    I'm so sorry.  You are a brave and strong woman.  My prayers are with you and your family.

    God bless you.

    Deena

  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    #15
    Wolfen

    You are all in our hearts and prayers dear woman.  You are not alone in your sorrow, we share this with you and are with you in kindred spirit.

    Hugs,

    Winter Marie

  • dmj101
    dmj101 Member Posts: 527 Member
    #16
    All my love and prayers to

    All my love and prayers to you Wolfie and your family.

    May you have peace at this most difficult time...

    Innocent

  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020 Member
    #17
    I am so

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this,I will keep you in my prayers.

  • AnnLouise
    AnnLouise Member Posts: 276 Member
    #18
    You are all in my heart....

    We went through something similar with my father...it is such a hard thing to go through. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you... ~ Ann

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,804 Member
    #19
    So hard

    Its so hard to let those we love, go. 

    The decision you have made is best for your husband.  To know that he slipped into sleep hearing the words 'I love you'.  What a blessing! 

    We are here for you, your daughter and Robert, if only in words and thoughts.  Many tears are already shedding for you darling huband. On thing I have learned from being on the boards, is that love extends to those who you don't know.

    God bless you, and God bless your darling husband as he slips from this life to the next. 

  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #20
    Wolfen and JBG:

    I am so very sorry.  Just a few short months ago I was in your shoes losing my George.  I have no words of wisdom for I know full well just how acute your pain is right now.  Don't ever second guess your decision, you did all you could and even now, are making the right decision not only for you but for JBG and your whole family.  We were married 42 year when George died, and losing that long term relationship is so very difficult. 

    Cynthia (LivinginNH) who lost her Rick right after my George and I are in contact and support each other, we have even talked on the phone.  When things settle down, and everyone returns to their normal lives,  please send us a pm and together, we will listen and help get through some of the rough stuff that lies ahead. 

    Love and Hugs - Tina

     

  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
    #21
    Oh, my dear Wolfen, I have

    Oh, my dear Wolfen, I have been thinking about you and your family all day.  I know that there are few words that will ease your pain right now, but know that you are loved by many here.  It's been a hard journey for your dear husband, but he's now at rest, with no more pain.  Please take comfort that you were able to be with him in the end, and that the last words he heard were that you loved him. 

    With great sadness, and my deepest sympathy.

    Cynthia

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