Thank You All So Much For Your Prayers & Healing Thoughts

wolfen
wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

I will sleep very little, if at all, tonight. I made the decision today to have my beloved husband removed from life support systems at noon tomorrow. His condition has rapidly deteriorated over the last two days. The ventilator is now completely breathing for him and the pacemaker has taken over 100%. He is in a drugged sleep, not responsive to anything, and will never wake again. I am crying as I try to type. At least four doctors have validated that he will never come out of this. They have deactivated the defib portion of his device so that he won't receive continuous shocks. I will hold in my heart the memory from two nights ago as he waved his fingers at us as we told him we loved him & would be back in the morning. It is all I have right now. Later, I will have time to reflect on our forty one years together.

Hospice has arranged to put him on a portable ventilator & transport him home. Home is where he would want to be & I have done my best to honor his wishes. A bed and other equipment now faces me in the family room where I am sleeping as I gave Debbie & her husband my bed. I will look at that all night long. A doctor & two nurses will be here to make him comfortable & remove the ventilator. It will be a matter of a few minutes to hours for us to spend with him one last time. I am frightened as Hospice does not stay until the end, but together Robert & I will do this for him. Robert & I will ride in the ambulance in case he expires during transport. I could not ask Debbie to do that, nor can I ask her to be present as he goes on his final journey. She faces her own mortality each day & it is too much for her.

We left the hospital for a few hours today to make funeral arrangements. They are simple, but expensive. He always used to tell me "When I'm gone, just put me in a pine box & stick me in the ground."  So I selected a wooden casket that looks like that pine box. There will be a small graveside service on Tuesday. It is a surreal feeling to know that I've done this & that on Monday, I'll select flowers for my husband. I know some of you have faced this very thing.

I hope I have not offended anyone by posting this much information.

Please keep us in your hearts as I do this thing. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Luv,

Wolfen

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Comments

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #2
    Prayers

    My heart goes out to you and yours during this time.  May you and yours find peace.  Absolutely nothing in your post could offend anyone reading this heartbreaking post.

    Prayers go out to you and yours during this time.

     

    Sharon

  • Duggie88
    Duggie88 Member Posts: 760 Member
    #3
    Wolfen

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. You went the extra mile allowing him to do it his way. Like I've stated previously, although I come across as a jokester, just behind that door is my heart that aches for your husband and David who recently passed. At first I found it confusing because this sadness doesn't strike me when I read in the paper the souls locally that have moved on. Then I came to realize we here on CSN have become family. A family created by something bad that is far to capable of stripping us from so many things and sometimes even the life god has given us. I'm not suppose to be here but thanks to some wonderful doctors I will emphatically curse cancer every day while celebrating my victory and morning the ones who lost their battle.

    Peace be with and your family

          Jeff

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #4
    journeys

    There are many journeys we take in this life; just the thought of the transition from this world to the next is overwhelming.

    No matter how spiritually prepared we are, how much we trust God and believe, it gives us pause.

    Wolfen, may God's grace surround you during this time filling you with a peace and an understanding that lets you know your husband's life was blessed because of your love for one another and that is something that he will not leave behind.

  • yensid683
    yensid683 Member Posts: 349
    #5
    The Strongest Love

    Is that which we show our loved ones when their time has come and we are there for them at the end, carrying out their wishes.  It is never easy for anyone to do, let alone a loving caregiver that has been by their loved one's side throughout all of this most difficult of journeys.

    Take comfort in the memory of your love for him and his for you, share with your children and let them comfort you while you comfort them. 

    May God take all of you into his keeping, may he give you peace and comfort in the coming days,

    All my prayers for you and your family today

    Peter

  • Grandmax4
    Grandmax4 Member Posts: 723
    #6
    My prayers

    are with all~~I have walked this mile and it is not easy, but, you are lovingly letting your husband pass, in peace and dignity. May God cradle you in His arms and give you strength to get through the next second,minute,hour,day,week and months..we are all here for you. Peace

  • katenorwood
    katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
    #7
    peace and comfort

    Karen,

    I am keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.  Katie

  • ditto1
    ditto1 Member Posts: 660
    #8
    Dear Wolfen

    as I read your story tears streamed down my face in sadness for you and your family, not sure what that says about my manhood, but it tells me my heart dominates how I feel for you.  It is so tough to lose a love one but no more so than our life long partners.  Diane and I just pray for Peace to be with you and your family over the next few days as you get thru this period of your and your husbands journey.  We are a family on this site some may post more or we may pick a few we hold close during our journeys thru cancer but we all hold on to each other during times like these.  We are sending you strong hugs and in some cyber way hope you feel them wrapped around you...

  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    #9
    I am so sad that

    this heavy burden must be shouldered by you....your courage and your strength shine thru your words and tears.....I have you, your daughter and Robert tucked into my heart.  I know his transition will be a peaceful one....Huge hugs to you and yours.

    p

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
    #10
    dear karen, i'm sorry it has

    dear karen, i'm sorry it has come 2 this but glad you've found the strength to carry out ur husband's wishes.  each time i c a post from you i get scared.  i pray that God will bring u and ur family thru this.  hang in there and remember 2 take care of urself.

    God bless you,

    dj

  • Sunshine60
    Sunshine60 Member Posts: 81
    #11
    So sorry

    Have you in my prayers and thoughts- and hoping for a peaceful transition.  Reach out to your family and others-we will all be here for you.

  • Hard12Find
    Hard12Find Member Posts: 218 Member
    #12
    Wolfen

    I am so sorry you are here after such a long and valiant struggle. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. Just know a lot of people on here care about you and will be here for you any time you need a shoulder or hug. May gods peace be with your husband and you, and for the rest of your family as well. Take comfort in knowing his fight is done.  You will be in my prayers.

    Jim

  • KareGiver
    KareGiver Member Posts: 301 Member
    #13
    Hard12Find said:

    Wolfen

    I am so sorry you are here after such a long and valiant struggle. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. Just know a lot of people on here care about you and will be here for you any time you need a shoulder or hug. May gods peace be with your husband and you, and for the rest of your family as well. Take comfort in knowing his fight is done.  You will be in my prayers.

    Jim

    Wolfen,

    Sending you more courage and strength...something you clearly already possess.  Just put one foot in front of the other...

    Lynda

     

  • VivianLee5689
    VivianLee5689 Member Posts: 546
    #14
    Hard12Find said:

    Wolfen

    I am so sorry you are here after such a long and valiant struggle. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. Just know a lot of people on here care about you and will be here for you any time you need a shoulder or hug. May gods peace be with your husband and you, and for the rest of your family as well. Take comfort in knowing his fight is done.  You will be in my prayers.

    Jim

    I shed tears for you

    Karen I am so sorry you have had to make this decision and for what it is worth I believe it is the right one.  Today marks one month since David's passing and I was reminded the morning one year ago today I bought my wedding dress after a fiasco with a dress I thought was being made for me.  As hard as I am having it right now I can't imagine how hard this has to be after loving someone over forty years and having children that will be dealing with their father's passing. You and your family are in my mind constantly and I keep waiting to get a call from you.  I know I have been very sad and lonely since David's passing feeling like an alien that no one knows what to say to. The only thing I can say is I am here. I care about you and call my cell if you need to talk, cry or scream. I get it.  I hate that I get it, but I am here when and if you need me.  Vivian. 

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,724 Member
    #15
    peace and prayers

    Karen,

    I am very sorry for your family. This is a deep pain. I pray for you the strength to carry you through.

    Bless each of you,

    Matt

  • fishmanpa
    fishmanpa Member Posts: 1,227 Member
    #16
    Thoughts and Prayers

    Karen,

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. May He bring you peace and solace in this difficult time and beyond.

    "T"

     

  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,034 Member
    #17
    I can only say.....

    You and your family are in my Thoughts and Prayers.

  • jcortney
    jcortney Member Posts: 503
    #18
    What can I add other than I'm

    What can I add other than I'm thinking of you and your family and I wish you peace.  You are an amazing caretaker and wife and I'm humbled by your devotion to your family.

    Joe

  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #19
    Thoughts & Prayers...

    Situations like this make us all reflect upon our own mortality.....

    Thoughts & Prayers ~ John

  • Chuckles0504
    Chuckles0504 Member Posts: 20
    #20
    God Bless You

    Your post  brought many, many tears.  May you remember the many memories you have with your husband and may he move on to  another place where  there is no such thing  as this horrible thing that our loved ones are enduring.  I will continue to pray for you and yours.

  • Billie67
    Billie67 Member Posts: 898
    #21
    Chuckles0504 said:

    God Bless You

    Your post  brought many, many tears.  May you remember the many memories you have with your husband and may he move on to  another place where  there is no such thing  as this horrible thing that our loved ones are enduring.  I will continue to pray for you and yours.

    Karen
    Ugh I am so sad for you. I've been praying for a miracle for you and your husband. Several times today I found myself praying and thinking about you.
    I have to tell you that you are an amazing woman and wife. You are honoring your husbands wishes and I know this isn't easy for you but you are thinking of him first and trying to protect your daughter too. You are amazing!
    I will continue to pray for you and hope you will have peace as you enter this next phase.
    Billie

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