It has been four weeks

VivianLee5689
VivianLee5689 Member Posts: 546
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

Today marks four weeks since David's passing.  I got a call today and his disability was approved (lol).  I am having such a hard time being alone.  I want to be in the safety of marriage.  This really sucks.  Sorry I don't feel like I can be real anywhere else.  Everyone is watching and I don't feel like if I said what I really think it would be received well.  People who have not lost someone like this do not understand.  I walk around like an alien feeling so alone.  I am still looking to God every day to get up and go on, but it is really hard.  I love everyone here and continue to pray and care about you guys.  You have been lifelines so many times.  Please tell the ones you love today how much they mean to you.  Be thankful for the time you have with them, it is a blessing.  I continue to pray for blessings for my CSN family.

Comments

  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
    #2
    Vivian

    Counting days, then weeks, soon to be months and then years. I know it hurts but trust that it will get better.

    Hugs,

    Candi 

  • jcortney
    jcortney Member Posts: 503
    #3
    Vivian, I hope you don't mind

    Vivian, I hope you don't mind a suggestion, but it sounds like you really need a change of scenery if only for a few days.  There must be somewhere inexpensive around where you live that you could just get in your car and go away for a few days.  Maybe a national park or a small town with an old downtown to walk through.  Just change what you are looking at every day.

    Just a thought. 

    J

  • rachel12yrsuv
    rachel12yrsuv Member Posts: 435
    #4
    Vivian,
     
    About 9 years ago I

    Vivian,

     

    About 9 years ago I became a parent to my beloved Faith.  Everything I gave and fought for when I was battling cancer was to have a child of my own, three years after treatment and many failed attempts at fertization, I was blessed with the adoption of my precious gift from Heaven.  Short time imy kid bliss my cousin Mark who was blessed with 3 biological children, Colin,Zackary and Shane. Every year I see them at Christnmas,then, and that year was no different Santa came (he was played by my Uncle Scotty the boys Grandfather, and Mark, my cousin, and his beautiful wife Wendy oogled my new princess.  Not long after the holiday Mark and his family went on vacation to Aruaba, they had great time except Shane, one half of thee twin the other Zack, had been suffering headaches.  He was tAken to Children hospital of Pennsylvania , we call it CHOP, and they ran a few tests and that night Shane was admitted.  The next morning he had brain surgery to try to remove fluid in his brain so they could figure out how to fight the now known cancerous tumors in his brain.  Shane went into coma from initial surgery and never woke up, 19days later Jesus came and got him.  I remember thinking at the memorial how are they ever gonna survive this, being a new Mom I was awash with emotionoff hcould nnever survive that.  In the 9t yrs. Mark has struggled everyday, I haven't seen him one Christmas party since, we've talked on Facebook only and he knows I love him and worry, but it is how he chooses to go inn, every year a little stronger, there were times we thought we'd lose him, but God and our Catholic upbringing reminded him he needs to wait for his time to be called to be with Shane again.  In the mean time that 6yr Angel who should've had a chan e at life is helping his Daddy get through life just as your David will help you.  Most of us have lost people in our lives but some not the way a husband to a wife or wife to husband or child to a parent, each pain is great and each healing is different, Marks been trying to heal for 9 years, it's all baby steps!

    may God grant you peace,

    love you,

    Rachel

  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #5
    Contact List...

    How's the contact list coming...? Did you get my email, and others that mentioned it....

    You might have to take up a few of those offers and make contact...

    Sorry for your pain..., I can only assure you that it will get easier to deal with given time. Finding something to occupy free time will help a lot.

    Finding something that you enjoy, and a way of giving back...

    Just throwing this out there as a suggestion... Have you considered visiting, the chemo treatment center patients during their chemo? You have tons of experience, caring, and you know the fears that many are going through with treatment.

    It might be a way of healing for you, and I can guarantee you will help others.

    Anyways, just a thought...

    John

  • NJShore
    NJShore Member Posts: 429 Member
    #6
    Vivian...

    Vivian,

    i wish I could ring you, but I am suppose to be sleeping... But I promise we will talk soon.. And we will make our plans next week! 

    I am so looking forward to spending some time together.

    and Dan will call or text you tomorrow around 1:30- 2

    hugs, Kari

  • VanessaSLO
    VanessaSLO Member Posts: 283
    #7
    NJShore said:

    Vivian...

    Vivian,

    i wish I could ring you, but I am suppose to be sleeping... But I promise we will talk soon.. And we will make our plans next week! 

    I am so looking forward to spending some time together.

    and Dan will call or text you tomorrow around 1:30- 2

    hugs, Kari

    Yes, it's hard...

    I know I can't give you much comfort as I haven't been in similar situation, but please do note, that I strongly try to understand and send prayers and good thoughts your way. But my ex co-worker at my previous job was only 25 years old when she lost her long term boyfriend. They were together for 8 years and then, one morning he was hit by a car. He was admitted to hospital and he was getting better, they already talked and made plans for him to go home. But then, like a strike, he suddenly died. Doctors said it was from some kind of hole in his heart that he probably had for his entire life and it caused his death now.

    She needed a long time before she could function normally. She returned to work pretty fast to be able to forget at least for couple of hours. But she told me this year (3 years after his death) that at that point she felt anger... But she did not know who to blame: Driver who hit him? Hospital? Doctors? Herself? God??... There was nobody to blame really. She said when a guy leaves you, you can be angry at him or another woman... But with death? Who to blame? Nobody can fight back, nobody can't really listen. But it seems like you have to focus that anger to somebody. So she focused it to herself and suffered for a long time after. Last year a therapist told her to accept what happened and that it's nobody's fault. With baby steps she managed to do that. Now she is starting to be happy again. But what helped her the most was traveling. She did not have much friends after her boyfriend's death. She was only 25 and her friends did not know how to cope with that, how to comfort her or even what to say. So she travelled, focused on herself and she got out of that as a better and stronger person.

    So, just baby steps, dear Vivian, with time it will get better, I promise!

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