people are not so nice

dthompson said:

Hi There,
I'm sorry for the

Hi There,

I'm sorry for the feelings that you are having. My wife is going through treatment for BC and we have experianced the same things as you many times. Good friends who we used to hang out with we do not see anymore. Our next door neighbors who used to come over quite often now stop by on a very limited basis. I thik the reason is because they do not know what to expect or how to react. I was in the same boat about 7 years ago, my best friends wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 BC and I did not know what to do or say so basically I just distanced myself because I THOUGHT this is what they would want. Only after they both told me that they want their lives to remain as normal as possible and keep friends around did I start hanging out with them again.  Now that I am experiancing the same thing, we have reached out to our friends and told them to come over and just act like they did before she was diagnosed. This has helped alot. But in my two experiances until YOU reach out and tell people you want them to be back in your life and that you do not have some sort of contagious disease most people will keep their distance because they just don't know how to react to someone with cancer. God Bless

 

Dennis

and don't want to hear about you, and if they do, they try and one-up you with a personal experience or the personal experience of someone they know.  It seems like so many people want to go out and talk ABOUT you but they don't want to listen to you or try to understand what you really need or feel.  They'd rather tell you how they think you should feel if they have anything at all to say.  It's all about them - "I know so and so who has cancer and s/he is so brave, having aggressive treatments, blah, blah". . .  Being in the know is more important than just being there for you because listening is not about them.  You may be allowed to be their friend with cancer, and they may indeed be concerned about you, but it's still how you having cancer effects them. 

I'm rather of bitter about this because I had some disappointments from friends and family when I was going through treatment, too.  I'm sorry you're experiencing this.  I had to adjust my expectations of some people in order to make peace with this and to forgive them for their insensitivities.  It wasn't easy.

Suzanne

survivor87 said:

This is one of the roughest

This is one of the roughest parts of having breast cancer that I have dealt with.  I am so sorry that you have to go through this.  It is so dishearting to have people especially family just walk away.  The only thing that I hang on to is that it has made me a much stronger person but I know sometimes we just don't want to be strong.  So God and my poor husband sometimes get the brunt of my sadness and anger.  When I was first diagnoised at 33, people were so good, brought food, etc.  But I did have two really good friends just walk out of my life.  They did not want to deal with me and all that encompassed.  I became very active in Reach to Recovery and living in a small area, people would be sent to me as I became known at the cancer lady that overcome as my remission years counted up to 23 years.  When I relapsed 3 years ago basically everybody walked away. No food, no flowers, no nothing!!   I live in a very small town and everyone knows each other and like Suzanne said they would rather talk about me downtown and that I am dyiing than really listen to me and what is going on.  I am doing okay.  A complete stranger gave me a devtional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  It has saved my life and sanity.  You can get it in bookstores, Amazon Books, etc.

Take good care of yourself.  WE are our own best friends.  WE have to belive in ourselves and love ourselves.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.  

Jan

Yes my pink sister you are not alone, even though I know from experience it feels that way a lot.  All of you are so right about how others love to make us their topic of conversation but never stop to listen to us or care.  My mother in law who I adore works in a grade school, all of her co-workers who I barley know have been just wonderful.  My mother in law barely comes over anymore, not sure if its because I scare her or what.  She calls, me not to chat anymore but to say this "I had to call cause you know the girls at school ask about you everyday, they asked me today how you were doing and I said I haven't talked to her.  So I am calling now so I don't get in trouble tomorrow morning, then a laugh".  I swear every times she calls I hear the same thing.  It hurts, its like she is telling me "hey I am only calling because they make me feel like I have to."

Or I heard, when I just found about a month ago about my head and neck, cancer by my husband "I am not in the mood to deal with another cancer."  Ouch.  I hear him now when people ask how I am doing, he always "oh shes great, doing just fine"  I just found out I may have mets to my lungs, having a biopsy next week.  I just had surgery on my lower lip and chin and look like frankenstien, I don't think I am doing great.  It's like everyone gets "tired" of the whole cancer deal, well hell so am I. 

I don't feel alone here though and I thank all of you for that and know I am always here for all of you!

Patti

Agree with a lot of what said.  I did in fact have a lot of kindness sent my way.  My husband wanted no help even though I could have done with some frankly.  He meant no harm, just who he is.  My son and daughter never mentioned it, again I know they were worried and upset but couldn't talk about it.  Now all treatment well finished I do feel asome people just think all is well, others do listen.  So I choose to share more with those who listen and try to understand.  They all cringe when they see the countless hot flashes I get, out comes the fan, now they are asking to borrow it when their flashes happen.  I think it is the same as you only tell certain people your worries and concerns when other people you don't feel comfortable sharing personal things so much.  I do wish I had had a sister at the time.  But then she may not have been able to cope with it either who knows.  Please don't get down.  Stick to the people you trust, I pray there is so done like that for you.