Hi Kikz (Karen)

kikz said:

Hi Kelly

Thanks for asking.  I have been MIA for a while because my cousin has been critically ill.  We are like sisters, eleven days apart, I am the older.  She had heart surgery in Feb, went well then had a couple of hospitalizations and ended up needed another procedure for her heart.  They went though the groin and a major artery was damaged in the process.  She had to go in for a second surgery the same day to stop the bleed.  I was there with her son, even spent Tuesday night in a chair in the waiting room.  She is stable now with a good prognosis but her mental state is not good.  She keeps telling us she doesn't want to live and is very matter of fact about it.  I lost it on Tuesday, got in her face and cried and begged for about ten minutes.  The next day she didn't even remember me talking to her.  (A wasted academy award-winning performance)

I have been driving about 100 miles round trip almost every day and I am exhausted.  I take a day off here and there but I feel I need to be there for her as she was for me during my treatment.  Hell, we have been there for each other our whole lives.  I was panicked at the thought of losing her.

At least this took my mind off my own troubles.  I had not received the results from the CA 125 I had on 3/28.  My onc has been calling me the next day for the last couple of tests.  I was convinced I was headed back to chemo so I was hesitant about making the call myself.  And with everything going on with my cousin, I wanted to concentrate on her.  I had even thought of asking my onc to delay chemo as long as safely possible if I indeed needed it..

Yesterday I stayed home and decided I needed to know.  It turns out my count stayed exactly the same.  It is good news but I haven't taken Aromasin since the day 3/28 because I was waiting for the onc to tell me what to do.  She called me later and seemed perplexed as to why I had stopped taking it.  I reminded her that she had prescribed 30 pills because it was kind of a last-ditch try before chemo.  She was actually on vacation for two weeks so I think I got lost in the shuffle, although of course I should have called.  I feel sort of confused by the whole thing.  I hope not taking the pill for a couple of weeks doesn't have a negative impact.

I am now living month to month.  I called my hairdresser and told her we could go ahead with the highlights when I get my hair cut next week.  I had held off in case I started chemo.

Last night I dreamed I was holding a four or five foot long alligator.  I was calming it when it started to try to scratch or bite me.  I walked around with it, then sat.  It reared its head and when I soothed it, it sighed and relaxed.  It started to get harder to keep it calm and I wanted to get rid of it.  I woke up and remembered that I have had this dream before.  I try to interpret what my dreams mean.  I think the alligator is the cancer.  It's big and scary but I am trying my best to keep it calm and in control.  So much for amateur psychology.

Thanks for hearing me out.  It has been quite a week, actually longer than that.

 

Karen 

 

 

By now you probably have a new beautiful haircut and highlights.

Your cousin is lucky to have you by her side. You are amazing to put your health issues aside to take care of her.

You're probably right to interpret your dream. Cancer is our biggest fear. This is what "Dream Bible" says about it.

To dream of an alligator represents a situation in your life that you feel is dangerous. Feeling that a problem has rocked your sense of balance or safety. Feeling shaken by something or struggling to contain a problem. Alternatively, an alligator may reflect a powerful fear you have. An alligator may be a sign that you need to put more effort into confronting your fears or speak to someone about your problems. An alligator may reflect the danger you feel from a job layoff, argument, or interpersonal problem. It may also reflect the threat of loss or feeling that a crisis may be at hand.

I am not overly supersticious but I believe that universe is trying to communicate to us, warn us; sometimes through dreams, sometimes through subtle signs. You have to be open enough to see and hear those warnings. My late grandma dreamt of her teeth falling out twice in her life: the day before the WW2 and the day before grandpa passed away. For me when I start seeing number 11:11 more frequently than usual (clock, computer, microwave, phone, etc.) I know to be careful because something bad is about to happen.

Many hugs - Alexandra

for all your well wishes. 

Happy to report my cousin has taken a turn for the better and is being transferred from Stanford to a rehab 10 miles from home.  This will make it easier on those of us who have been making the trip to Stanford every couple of days.

It has been an ordeal.  I knew I loved her but the thought of losing her was more than I could bear.  She has been in my life always (we are 11 days apart in age) and has always been there for me.  I told someone that Marsha will always take my side, if I told her I had just robbed a bank, she would say, well, you probably needed the money.

I hope she continues to heal and is able to have the quality of life she has been missing for a while.  She still has lung problems and will need oxygen.  She is down about that but hopefully if she feels better, she can tolerate that better as well.

Here's to better days.

Karen