Chemo versus Hormonal therapies

SIROD · April 2013

The other day I went to lunch with some old friends from my old summer job. We always met for lunch in the spring and I was happy that they continue to include me. The only difference between last year and this year, is that I have no hair this year and wore my best turban with the fringe of bang. I sense a different outlook from them. They inquired about my prognosis and etc. They already knew I had resigned early from my job and lost my father that week.

Now 5 years ago when I was diagnosed with my 3rd recurrence I had a lot of active cancer. I had the VATS (video assisted thoracic surgery) and the surgeon stated I my lungs and pleura were studded with tumors. He was the only one I could detect a sign of pity. I took a total of 5 days off from work, day of surgery, day in the hospital, day to recover and 2 days which was my weekend. I was back to work on the 6th day. I had given an update for all via email and so there was no mention when I returned except the usual, "how are you? fine". My treatment was Faslodex then 1 shot 250 mg. It didn't prevent me from working or disrupting my normal life in any way. No one unless told would have known what I was dealing with and everyone treated me in a normla manner. I didn't feel like a cancer victim or anything.

At this luncheon I did. The woman who replaced me at my summer job even said, "she would pray for me". I thanked her. I thought how weird. Last year when I met with them, I was back on Faslodex and had active cancer in both lungs, pleura and ribs. This time active cancer is only in the left lung the rest is stable. The difference is I have no hair (which is only a side effect). I could feel their pity or maybe real concorn for the first time.

Is this what has happen to any of you who went from using hormonal drug therapies to chemotherapy? I really like to know.

Sirod

camul · April 2013

Oh Doris.
Sorry you are seeing this, but I think it is more from no hair and people who have not been in our shoes(thank God for that), equate having chemo with our condition being worse. t think they believe thatk if we are not on chemo then we must be doing ok. Many see chemo and radiation as the only things that fight cancer.
I am bald again with the adriamycin and I was at the bank a week ago and the same guy whi always waits on me treated me normal, today with a ball cap and bald head, treated me like I am fragile.
I really do believe that visually we are sick when we have no hair, but if we look well there is no need to worry.
I sure do prefer being treated like a well person, I hate feeling like others are perceiving me as sick and weak!.

Best to you,
Carol

SIROD · April 2013

camul said:
Oh Doris.
Sorry you are seeing this, but I think it is more from no hair and people who have not been in our shoes(thank God for that), equate having chemo with our condition being worse. t think they believe thatk if we are not on chemo then we must be doing ok. Many see chemo and radiation as the only things that fight cancer.
I am bald again with the adriamycin and I was at the bank a week ago and the same guy whi always waits on me treated me normal, today with a ball cap and bald head, treated me like I am fragile.
I really do believe that visually we are sick when we have no hair, but if we look well there is no need to worry.
I sure do prefer being treated like a well person, I hate feeling like others are perceiving me as sick and weak!.

Best to you,
Carol

Thank you

Thank you Carol. I guess that they just don't think like we do. I never gave it much thought at all. One of them had a chair between us and I said, "it's not catchy". She knew that but I wondered but she did take the empty chair and eventually moved it. After all I have had metastatic cancer since 2000 and this was the first time, I really felt like a victim. I've been worse with no reaction except well, I'm sorry and let's move on. Maybe the thought before I was making it up.

I always looked healthy, still do except I have a hat on.

Doris

PS: How are you doing?

Double Whammy · April 2013

SIROD said:
Thank you
Thank you Carol. I guess that they just don't think like we do. I never gave it much thought at all. One of them had a chair between us and I said, "it's not catchy". She knew that but I wondered but she did take the empty chair and eventually moved it. After all I have had metastatic cancer since 2000 and this was the first time, I really felt like a victim. I've been worse with no reaction except well, I'm sorry and let's move on. Maybe the thought before I was making it up.

I always looked healthy, still do except I have a hat on.

Doris

PS: How are you doing?

I think it's the hair

Suddenly you look like you have cancer. Horrors. You don't look "wonderful" by anyone's definition anymore (except ours). The stereotype of someone fighting cancer is bald. If you have hair, you must be fine and whatever you're taking must be fixing you because it's not making your hair fall out. If you don't have hair, you must have one foot in the grave. They probably went away and said amongst themselves "Doris looks really sick" even though you were already pretty sick when you had hair. I guess our level of discomfort with the reactions of others is based on whether we're comfortable with their discomfort or not and/or how we feel about our current health status. Am I making sense?

I remember one of my particularly bad days during chemo when I was in the grocery store. I was determined that I was just fine, so out I went. I saw people I knew and I walked the other way because I didn't want to feel pitied and beleive me, I was pretty pitiful. Other days when I was good, I proudly went out with my hat or scarf and chatted with anyone I saw. Frankly, I was more uncomfortable with the attitude of "you'll be just fine" vs. "I'm so sorry" along with a little pity.

Others' reactions are tough to swallow sometimes. I'd rather they ask for details of what's going on (and listen) than immediately assume the outcome based on ignorance.

Take care,

Suzanne

camul · April 2013

Double Whammy said:
I think it's the hair
Suddenly you look like you have cancer. Horrors. You don't look "wonderful" by anyone's definition anymore (except ours). The stereotype of someone fighting cancer is bald. If you have hair, you must be fine and whatever you're taking must be fixing you because it's not making your hair fall out. If you don't have hair, you must have one foot in the grave. They probably went away and said amongst themselves "Doris looks really sick" even though you were already pretty sick when you had hair. I guess our level of discomfort with the reactions of others is based on whether we're comfortable with their discomfort or not and/or how we feel about our current health status. Am I making sense?

I remember one of my particularly bad days during chemo when I was in the grocery store. I was determined that I was just fine, so out I went. I saw people I knew and I walked the other way because I didn't want to feel pitied and beleive me, I was pretty pitiful. Other days when I was good, I proudly went out with my hat or scarf and chatted with anyone I saw. Frankly, I was more uncomfortable with the attitude of "you'll be just fine" vs. "I'm so sorry" along with a little pity.

Others' reactions are tough to swallow sometimes. I'd rather they ask for details of what's going on (and listen) than immediately assume the outcome based on ignorance.

Take care,

Suzanne

I also feel better when peoplr ask
rather than when the cancer is the elephant in the midlle of the room that everyone is afraid to address. This whole journey has been quite the eye opener. Doris, I do understand what you are referring to. Last night I was on line talking to a friend who was with me through he first bout and we always seem to miss eachother on facebook and she moved out of state. She asked me what she could do for me now and I said to just keep talking to me and treating me as a normal person like she always has.
She was surprised as she couldnt figure out at first what I meant. So I explained how so many peoplewill talk all around thr cancer because they dont want me to feel like they are prying. And I said i love that she asks at the beginning of our conversations both online or phone, we talk about it for a minute or so thrn we move on and talk about fun stuff, she tought everyone did that. I lsaid no. That is not the case. Shewas glad that I told her how appreciated how normal she still treats me. Cancer is a part of my life but not my life.

SIROD · April 2013

Double Whammy said:
I think it's the hair
Suddenly you look like you have cancer. Horrors. You don't look "wonderful" by anyone's definition anymore (except ours). The stereotype of someone fighting cancer is bald. If you have hair, you must be fine and whatever you're taking must be fixing you because it's not making your hair fall out. If you don't have hair, you must have one foot in the grave. They probably went away and said amongst themselves "Doris looks really sick" even though you were already pretty sick when you had hair. I guess our level of discomfort with the reactions of others is based on whether we're comfortable with their discomfort or not and/or how we feel about our current health status. Am I making sense?

I remember one of my particularly bad days during chemo when I was in the grocery store. I was determined that I was just fine, so out I went. I saw people I knew and I walked the other way because I didn't want to feel pitied and beleive me, I was pretty pitiful. Other days when I was good, I proudly went out with my hat or scarf and chatted with anyone I saw. Frankly, I was more uncomfortable with the attitude of "you'll be just fine" vs. "I'm so sorry" along with a little pity.

Others' reactions are tough to swallow sometimes. I'd rather they ask for details of what's going on (and listen) than immediately assume the outcome based on ignorance.

Take care,

Suzanne

Don't Want the Elephant in the Room

I guess that the people who did have cancer in their life must have all died. That is their frame of reference.

I've have longevity on my side but I was just so surprise to their reaction. I am surprise in getting cards that say "Hope you Get Well Soon". They are from people I worked with for many years and the cards should be that they miss me (maybe they don't) and wish me well in retirement. They know what stage I am, they know all this yet, I do get questions, that seem so inappropriate like "don't worry your hair will grow back", that also means the drug will have had to fail. I don't want it to fail. Maybe it's me being oversensitive in all this as it's New after 18 1/2 years of dealing with it. This part is New.

I have always been upfront about my cancer. Explaining it the best I can, how I differ and that I am and have been very lucky. I consider myself lucky. I guess that pity isn't something I expected. I fell now that I am different, that people treat me different even though I feel the same except for being tired as I was before wearing the hats.

Thank you for replying Suzanne and Carol. Had a treatment today and I guess it's time to call it a day.

Gratefully,

Doris

Chemo versus Hormonal therapies

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