Funny Bonz III

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Comments

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    #42
    Texas_wedge said:

    Worrying stuff

    Not at all funny, if these law cases are actually true Gary.  Is it possible over there to have legal juries with no qualification re intelligence - say a minimum IQ of 70? Otherwise it looks like an unarguable case for scrapping the jury system in the States.

    We've just had a monstrous spectacle here - perhaps it's being reported on over there? A piece of garbage who should have been strangled at birth - a criminal who lived with his wife and his mistress and the 11 children he had with them.  He lived off the women's income, didn't work and complained that the local government wouldn't give him a larger house because of the numbers in the household!

    He'd previously served 7 years for attempted murder and he terrorised the two women.  Six of the chilren died in their house in a fire which he started deliberately.  He then played the desperate, sorrowing father who had lost his children so tragically.  The local community felt very sorry for him and raised a substantial sum of money for funerals for the children and he attempted to get his hands on the money, saying it should be given to him.  He's just been sent down for life, with a minimum of 17 years in jail.  One has to wonder how a jury like those you cited above would have decided his case!

    When you see what so many decent innocent people around the World suffer, such situations make one despair.   This is not our regular funny stuff, so maybe I shouldn't have posted it here - I guess I just couldn't let it go, so my apologies for souring the upcoming weekend with such a story.

     

    No apology necessary...

    T,

    I couldn't agree more.

    The case for wich the awards are named is true, as to the others...anybodys guess, but possibly so.  Fortunately these would be the exception rather than the rule and though imperfect as it may be the system works pretty well most of the time.  In these cases, wouldn't you think an IQ maximum of 70 would truly provide a jury of their peers?

    Had not heard anything on the case over there, but trangled at birth...if only there were a way to tell.  That's more humane that what I might suggest.

    Will you be updating your blog with results from today's Dr. visit?  I hope everything remains on a positive track.

    Gary

     

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    #43
    garym said:

    No apology necessary...

    T,

    I couldn't agree more.

    The case for wich the awards are named is true, as to the others...anybodys guess, but possibly so.  Fortunately these would be the exception rather than the rule and though imperfect as it may be the system works pretty well most of the time.  In these cases, wouldn't you think an IQ maximum of 70 would truly provide a jury of their peers?

    Had not heard anything on the case over there, but trangled at birth...if only there were a way to tell.  That's more humane that what I might suggest.

    Will you be updating your blog with results from today's Dr. visit?  I hope everything remains on a positive track.

    Gary

     

    Thanks, Gary

    As it happens, I updated my blog just minutes ago, probably as you were posting the above!

    I loved your  "wouldn't you think an IQ maximum of 70 would truly provide a jury of their peers?"

    I wonder if you'll hear about the Philpott case in your foreign news bulletins - as you can imagine it's eliciting a lot of emotion here and is going to lead to a government enquiry into how such scenarios can come to pass - not the fire itself but the whole disgusting life-style pattern.

    I think I'd better make amends for departing from the happy theme of this thread by offering you this, which will be very much to your taste (but is not for the more proper here - e.g. Alice and Ange  ---- that should guarantee they'll play it!  Wink )

    In case you don't recognise the three concerned, they are our Prime Minister, David Cameron, Deputy P.M.  Nick Clegg and leader of the Opposition, Ed Milliband.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwXr_-_vp9E

     

     

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    #44
    Texas_wedge said:

    Thanks, Gary

    As it happens, I updated my blog just minutes ago, probably as you were posting the above!

    I loved your  "wouldn't you think an IQ maximum of 70 would truly provide a jury of their peers?"

    I wonder if you'll hear about the Philpott case in your foreign news bulletins - as you can imagine it's eliciting a lot of emotion here and is going to lead to a government enquiry into how such scenarios can come to pass - not the fire itself but the whole disgusting life-style pattern.

    I think I'd better make amends for departing from the happy theme of this thread by offering you this, which will be very much to your taste (but is not for the more proper here - e.g. Alice and Ange  ---- that should guarantee they'll play it!  Wink )

    In case you don't recognise the three concerned, they are our Prime Minister, David Cameron, Deputy P.M.  Nick Clegg and leader of the Opposition, Ed Milliband.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwXr_-_vp9E

     

     

    You are correct sir...

    That is my favorite type of humor and they dead panned it superbly, thanks for sharing.

    The results from your visit seem most encouraging and put a bigger smile on my face than the link provided, GO "V" GO!!!

    Quite the chearleader aren't I...and no, I shall not be showing my pom poms.

    You have my permission to celebrate a bit this weekend, you've earned it!

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    #45
    It happened at a New York airport...
    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when

    confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    For all of you out there who have had to deal with an

    irate customer, this one is for you.

     

    A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of

    inconvenienced travelers.

     

    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and

    said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it

    has to be FIRST CLASS."

     

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try

    to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

     

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so

    that the passengers behind him could

    hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

     

    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her

    public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

     

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

     

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry

    sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

     

     

    Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to

    dance in the rain.

     

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    #46
    garym said:

    It happened at a New York airport...

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when

    confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    For all of you out there who have had to deal with an

    irate customer, this one is for you.

     

    A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of

    inconvenienced travelers.

     

    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and

    said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it

    has to be FIRST CLASS."

     

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try

    to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

     

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so

    that the passengers behind him could

    hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

     

    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her

    public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

     

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

     

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry

    sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

     

     

    Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to

    dance in the rain.

     

    Problem solving 101...

    A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

    They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.






    With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.





     





    Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.




    "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

     

     

  • garym
    garym Member Posts: 1,647
    #47
    garym said:

    Problem solving 101...

    A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

    They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.






    With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.





     





    Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.




    "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

     

     

    Little Larry (aka fox)

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

    Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

    The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

    Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

    Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    #48
    garym said:

    Little Larry (aka fox)

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

    Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

    The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

    Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

    Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

    poor little larry

    I thought the answer to 2,4,28, and 44 was "Two quarterbacks, a halfback and full back!"

  • Djinnie
    Djinnie Member Posts: 945 Member
    #49
    garym said:

    Little Larry (aka fox)

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

    Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

    The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

    Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

    Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

    Hi Gary,
    There should be a

    Hi Gary,

    There should be a warning sign on this site for those people at less than 1 week post op. 

    Theses jokes had me in stitches, pun intended. Thanks for cheering us up.

     

    Djinnie

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    #50
    Djinnie said:

    Hi Gary,
    There should be a

    Hi Gary,

    There should be a warning sign on this site for those people at less than 1 week post op. 

    Theses jokes had me in stitches, pun intended. Thanks for cheering us up.

     

    Djinnie

    STITCH ALERT

     

    Spanish Oysters 

    A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ... 

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

    The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

    Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

    The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

  • Djinnie
    Djinnie Member Posts: 945 Member
    #51
    Texas_wedge said:

    STITCH ALERT

     

    Spanish Oysters 

    A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ... 

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

    The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

    Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

    The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

    Stitch Alert

    Good call Texas!.....I am glad we are not having meatballs tonight. Lol.

    Djinnie

  • Gale_50
    Gale_50 Member Posts: 17
    #52
    garym said:

    I should have known...here it is...

                            TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

     

    The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

    "The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                            This concludes today's lesson

                            Any questions?                      

    Thanks for the medicine!!!

    Hey Gary, my goal today was simply to laugh:). Oh my how you have helped me reach and exceed my goal! (Poor surgery site will be extra tender from laughing). 

    THANK YOU!  

  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,045 Member
    #53
    Djinnie said:

    Stitch Alert

    Good call Texas!.....I am glad we are not having meatballs tonight. Lol.

    Djinnie

    innocence of a kid

    When I was considerably younger, the family actually sat around the table to eat dinner.  My folks would discuss events, and mention so-and-so, who had passed away, and did you see the picture that was in the paper?

    Later, I'd look at the paper...and I always wondered how they got the dead person to smile.  Didn't you, too?

    Donna

  • GSRon
    GSRon Member Posts: 1,303 Member
    #54
    donna_lee said:

    innocence of a kid

    When I was considerably younger, the family actually sat around the table to eat dinner.  My folks would discuss events, and mention so-and-so, who had passed away, and did you see the picture that was in the paper?

    Later, I'd look at the paper...and I always wondered how they got the dead person to smile.  Didn't you, too?

    Donna

    Motorpickle Mantra

    Here is a version of what some olde motorcycle guys (mostly racer types) often say...  Kind of fits me now...

    Ron


        "I refuse to tiptoe quietly through life only to  arrive safely at death.
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, cigar in one hand, favorite beverage in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,

          DAMN!  What a Ride!"

  • Texas_wedge
    Texas_wedge Member Posts: 2,798
    #55
    GSRon said:

    Motorpickle Mantra

    Here is a version of what some olde motorcycle guys (mostly racer types) often say...  Kind of fits me now...

    Ron


        "I refuse to tiptoe quietly through life only to  arrive safely at death.
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, cigar in one hand, favorite beverage in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,

          DAMN!  What a Ride!"

    Good advice?

    If you can start the day without caffeine,
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
    If you can resist complaining and     boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food every     day and be grateful for it,
    If you can understand when your loved     ones are too busy to give you any time,
    If you can take criticism and     blame without resentment,
    If you can conquer tension without medical help,
    If you can relax without alcohol,     
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

    Then You Are Probably 
    The Family Dog!


    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

     Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. 
    If you can't eat it or play with it, 
    Pee on it and walk away

  • Djinnie
    Djinnie Member Posts: 945 Member
    #56
    Texas_wedge said:

    Good advice?

    If you can start the day without caffeine,
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
    If you can resist complaining and     boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food every     day and be grateful for it,
    If you can understand when your loved     ones are too busy to give you any time,
    If you can take criticism and     blame without resentment,
    If you can conquer tension without medical help,
    If you can relax without alcohol,     
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

    Then You Are Probably 
    The Family Dog!


    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

     Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. 
    If you can't eat it or play with it, 
    Pee on it and walk away

    Good Advice

    Hi Texas,

    And we  complain "It's a dogs life" when you put it like that, it looks pretty good to me. lol.

    Djinnie

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    #57
    Djinnie said:

    Good Advice

    Hi Texas,

    And we  complain "It's a dogs life" when you put it like that, it looks pretty good to me. lol.

    Djinnie

    FIDOHD

    That's my new name. FidoHD.

  • GSRon
    GSRon Member Posts: 1,303 Member
    #58
    foxhd said:

    FIDOHD

    That's my new name. FidoHD.

    Da Dog

    I think you left out the part about the family dog humping your leg....  :)

    Ron

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