Let's talk Menopause

A guide has been put together for you to help understand all the terms associated with Menopause in order you may prepare and diagnose the condition.

Hot Flashes ~ You come home from work one chilly day in December, and are greeted at the front door with your wife wearing nothing but a smile. You later find out that all the windows have been welded open and that she has sold your home heating system on e-bay.

Mood Swings ~ You jokingly remark that it is OK, and that you do not need to worry about the windows or the heating system, as you will buy a small wood stove for when she is out, but that for the majority of the time, when home, you can use her body to heat the family room this winter. Rather than her just saying that she is not amused, she shoots you in the groin. She feels remorse as you come out of recovery.

Memory Loss ~ You come home from work and find out that she has written post-it notes with your kids' names on them and has stuck them to each kid's forehead. Yours is on your dinner plate. The good news is that you do not need to worry about getting in **** this anniversary. Oh crap, that reminds me that I have a make up gift to make up for when I didn't remember mine earlier this month. Why didn't any of you remind me? Any chance at 38 she can get it...like tonight?

Irritability ~ You come home from work after a great day, and cheerfully say, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your wife's reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie freaking Nelson.". I'm so glad you could make it to dinner you useless piece of dogmeat. Speaking of which.. I made you a terrific supper. Menopause Surprise. Care to guess what is in it?

Dryness: ~ You receive an unexpected invoice from Jiffy Lube in the amount of $427. When you call to inquire, they ask you how many in your fleet did you service last month as they never have sent out an invoice for that amount before. The delivery receipt was signed by "X"

Night Sweats ~ Your son in the room below you complains of an annoying drip and it has not rained for 33 days.

Antagonism ~ The drier has shrunk every last pair of your jeans, your golf balls have cut marks in them, your remote control has every buttoned programmed to the history channel, and she is encouraging you to find some 22 year old to have an affair with so that you leave her the ***** alone.

Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives her four hours of decent rest.

Fatigue ~ You spend the better part of the time that used to be spent making passionate love, picking guacamole out of her hair after a Mexican dinner.

Mild Incontinence ~ She changes her underwear after every sneeze.

Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to get her out of your Range Rover after returning home from an Italian restaurant.

Female Hormone Deficiency ~ She takes sudden interest in "Wrestlemania.", and shaving cream commercials.

Hormone Therapy ~ She is on so much estrogen that she takes her Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.

And, by far the easiest way to tell if your wife is experiencing menopause...

You find yourself uncontrollably agreeing with just about everything she says.