Where did our hope go?

when Dennis is still on chemo?  I don't understand that.  If there is still a chance for the chemo to shrink things (and I'm assuming there is, or why else would they have him do it?), why not maintain a more positive attitude?  When you are up walking around, talking, doing tx, etc...there is still hope.  And doctors shouldn't try to take that away from patients.  Really makes me mad.  

And I too would be concerned about medications playing a role in his behavior, especially if he's on steroids.  Those are notorious for causing many problems.

I'm so sorry for you both,  Brenda.  Just breaks my heart that the two of you are going through this.  Do you have anyone around who can help, maybe give you a break?  Being a caegiver is such hard work, somehow you have to find a way to take care of yourself as well.

Sending strength and hugs your way~AA

but I am glad you posted in tough times because we do care and want to help or, just be there for you. It sounds to me that it may be a wake up call or reevaluation of medications, doctors, your health situation and his frame of mind. You are both going through so much that it becomes overwhelming. Try and do something that you both enjoy.....maybe dinner out at your favorite restaurant? Or something that you enjoy by yourself. Shopping is sometimes uplifting for me, probably because I don't get out much. Thinking of you and hoping things get easier ......~ Ann

Read where you said D is "starting" Folfiri...

Now, of course, steroids can be a part of the problem for any of us...but since he's done chemo before, he's already been on this...and you've never talked like this before. I believe it was the Folfox you guys did last time.

And now...we're introducing Irinotecan into the mix...

Now, I can honestly tell you from my own personal experience, that Irinotecan turned me into a "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde"......I mean scary stuff...I hated who I was but it turned me into a literal monster...I couldn't stand who I was and how I was acting....but that particular chemo hurt me very badly.  (detailed my experience in the book).

It made me sick 28 days of the 30 we have in each month for the entire six-month regimen of that part of my treatment program.  So, for me, there was absolutely no life at all...I felt so bad, I couldn't even sit up on the couch and watch tv with my wife....some nights if I slept all day, I might could give her one hour of Zombie time...but I was mostly comatose and too physically sick to respond or engage with her.

My wife spent all of her time alone too...she didn't know what to do...and she was the last one on my list too.....I couldn't even manage hygiene I was so decimated. 

And of course, my wife has had alot of that during our 9-year fight with cancer...and 3x with cancer during that stretch.

I said things that I was not particulary proud of and regretted...and she did too in response...it made us question our marriage...and I know we looked at each other and just wondered who the other person was staring back at one another with such disgust....

Cancer is a wrecking ball....

The negative output from the doctor is uncalled for though....to tell him to wear a DNR bracelet is unforgiveable...I struggled mightily with that kind of decision with my dad....and it was the hardest thing ever, but I was following out his wishes...but it was very hard...and there you could see the end and knew it was coming...

D is another story still...

Now, Brenda....here's something I wanted you to know. 

Cancer teaches us all to talk out of both sides of or mouths....what I mean is that we can say one thing one day - and then another thing another day....but on each of those days, we believed the position that we were holding.

Like for you, when you thought  all was clear and it was behind you...it was "God is Good..." etc.

I've had alot of struggle with faith my whole life...and when I read that, I was thinking that God has nothing to do with it...we know of people who perish in all kinds of ways, who are the most ardent and fervent believers...

I always dismissed it...

I've done alot of studying with Dr. Stanley the past six-months again....things changed for me a few months ago when I "surrendered" my life fully this time and took my hands off the wheel.....I see now how I thought I was driving the bus by myself and did not need a higher authority to help me...

I see now that while God may or may not save us because we are afflicted with a disease, that He is "present" based on the Scriptures and the way that the Dr. S. has explained it. 

And I tell you right now, HOPE can be so fleeting...it's slow to come - and quick to leave...

When we're in the midst of fighting, it's so very hard to find Hope - and to keep Hope alive...and that's because when you're mired in it up past your elbows, it's a litmus test that is pushing our envelope past the point of what we want to accept. 

When you're out of the fight and have time for reflection...that's when you reap the rewards of the personal growth that you gained from whatever life lesson was presented to us.

Long story short...it's always easy to see the good when the struggle is behind us....but quite another to see the good when you're in the fight/depression mode.

"God is Good"....can take on new meaning during those times of trials....

As a strong woman of faith, who I've heard you tell all of us that God has gotten you through everything in life...I would ask that try and hold onto that...though I know it is hard to do. 

I will say a prayer for you both....it will actually mean something now from the transformations I'm undergoing this year.....

Hope has temporarily run out on you....be careful here...with a vacancy like that, it won't be long before Depression, Despair and perhaps Hopelessness itself will show up on your doorstep trying to rent the room that was recently vacated. 

It all comes in cycles, Brenda....you're on the downswing right now...things will cycle back through. 

Treatment is tough, Brenda...and Dennis may be examining his own mortality right now, especially in lieu of the 'support' his medical staff has been giving him.

And thoughts of mortality can lead directly to anger....which then manifests itself outwardly towards you through Dennis's venting program. 

But, he may need to get mad right now...sometimes anger can be good, because it redirects our energies towards the good when we can get it there.

Accept this as part of the journey...and perhaps you two can have a talk about your feelings.....this was an area that I craved with my wife, but never got....but thankfully the board was a place where I could seek refuge and turn my anger outwards towards helping people just like you. 

As you are so fond of saying..."God's Blessings..."

I just wanted to remind you that you are the same ol' Brenda and you are both in a tough spot right now....

Faith is one of the toughest lessons that I'm still trying to learn....I know that your faith will bring you through. 

-Craig

LivinginNH said:

 
Oh Brenda, I'm sorry that

 

Oh Brenda, I'm sorry that you are both going through such a terrible time.  And I'm simply horrified that the Doctor would put a DNR Braclet on him!  Did you take it off of him!?  I can't imagine wearing a braclet that basically says to me every second of the day - "I'm going to die soon."   It's unimaginable to me that he would do such a thing.  My Rick always took a little comfort in knowing that I'd never let him go unless there was absolutely nothing left to do to help him.  He trusted me, not the doctors, to make such a final decision.  My goodness, I am so upset over what that doctor did to you both that I could just cry.  

Take care, ((HUGS))

Cynthia

Ditto what Cynthia said...take that bracelet off of him if he is still wearing it.  I am so sorry that you guys are having a hard time rit now. 

Gentle hugs...

alex

my husband was so short tempered.  After finding out he had cancer, he was still short tempered with a added dose of frustration! His onc recommended the anti-depressant, Zoloft.  My husband put it off for 3 months and then decided, what the heck, let me give it a try.  It has done wonders and he said he should have gone on it a long time ago.  His chemo treatment is also Folfiri and Avastin.  He takes the day off from work, goes every other Friday, and has the weekend to recoup.  He feels tired and has nausea most of the weekend but is able to return to work on Monday.  And, he has nose bleeds off and on.  4th infusion was last Friday and most likely will have a CT scan after the 6th treatment.  

As far as what was said and the dnr band, I think that is wrong in so many ways.  

Take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you,

Ellen

Brenda Bricco said:

Kick me when I am down...

Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and a special thanks to Sundance for letting me know how you have perceived my previous posts. I have never wanted to hurt anyone with my faith or by praising my GOD when things are good but it seems that the way I sign off has miffed you. My knee jerk reaction is to apologize but after I think about it I would like to extend the most sincere invite for you to take a flying leap and kiss my arse.

Sorry if that sounds ungrateful... but I just think you could have private messaged me if you wanted to throw something in my face or suggest that I am "talking out of both sides of my mouth". The truth is that I don't know what I have said in the past, I just speak from my heart and say what I feel at the time; if I have contridicted myself then I do apologize to everyone. I am a kind person or atleast try to be at all times but I am offended by your post. Who knows, maybe I will read it later and see it in a different light but for now it just seemed like a mean things to say.

That will teach me to open my mouth...

GOD is still good!

GOD's blessings...

Brenda

Brenda Bricco said:

Kick me when I am down...

Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and a special thanks to Sundance for letting me know how you have perceived my previous posts. I have never wanted to hurt anyone with my faith or by praising my GOD when things are good but it seems that the way I sign off has miffed you. My knee jerk reaction is to apologize but after I think about it I would like to extend the most sincere invite for you to take a flying leap and kiss my arse.

Sorry if that sounds ungrateful... but I just think you could have private messaged me if you wanted to throw something in my face or suggest that I am "talking out of both sides of my mouth". The truth is that I don't know what I have said in the past, I just speak from my heart and say what I feel at the time; if I have contridicted myself then I do apologize to everyone. I am a kind person or atleast try to be at all times but I am offended by your post. Who knows, maybe I will read it later and see it in a different light but for now it just seemed like a mean things to say.

That will teach me to open my mouth...

GOD is still good!

GOD's blessings...

Brenda

Dear Brenda,

You are obviously extremely upset and angry at the moment, which is completely understandable today.  However, I truly believe that you are reading your own anger into Craig's post.  I am quite positive that Craig in no way shape or form intended to upset or insult you.  What I read from his post is someone who is reflecting on his own beliefs and sincerely hopes, and prays, that you will continue to have faith even when your prayers seems to go unanswered as they relate to this disease.  Please re-read his post when you feel ready, and I'm sure that you'll find that he is sharing his love and support for both of you.

All my best,

Cynthia

dmj101 said:

I understand...

I understand what you are saying Cynthia,, but I think faith when professed in  post is not always religous faith that we are talking about so openmindness has to be possessed by both sides.

Faith is sometime faith in ourselves and at other times God and still other times our DR's and caregivers.. 

Keep the Faith friends...

Donna

Ok dear friends...I kindly request that we suspend this particular topic since it appears that this post is now going in a different direction.  We certainly don't want to start up yet another religious debate.  We all know what will happen in that case. 

Love you all my friends,

Cyn