Funny Bonz III

Texas_wedge said:

Importance of keyboard accuracy!!

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

A business was having a Grand Opening celebration at a new site and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."  Puzzled, he called his friend to thank him for the flowers and inquired about the card.

Now angered about the mixup, the friend called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the mistake and how embarassed he was, the florist began laughing and said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but please try to imagine this: there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

roaddr23 said:

the one about the 8 yr old reminded me....

One Saturday Morning many, many,many moons ago, my 5yo son and 3yo daughter were thoroughly engrossed in unending array of Saturday morning cartoons...so my hubby and I decided to "drink our coffee" in the bedroom. The coffee was going down excellently and being enjoyed by both of us when suddenly there is loud banging on the bedroom door and from the other side my daughter Meghan starts yelling "Little Piggies, Little Piggies, I'll huff and I'll Puff and I'll blow your door down !!!" It was freakin hysterical...I just crack up laughing whenever I think about it...

I used to like Eric, the little s**t.

garym said:

Why my wife calls me a jerk...

 

 1.   The wife's back on the warpath again. She was all up for making a sex movie, and then all I did was suggest that we should hold auditions for her part.
 

                                                                         *************

 2.   After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely   enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
 

                                                                            ************** 
 3.   I woke up this morning at 6, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing, bacon and eggs burning on the stove! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
 

                                                                              ***********   

 4.   My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

Interviewer:  What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant:  Honesty.

Interviewer:  Honesty?  I don't think honesty is a weakness.

Applicant:  Honestly, I don't give a s**t what you think.

"Well.....go look in the garage..."

garym said:

Theater seats...

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a packed movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned "Leave me alone." but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned "Leave me alone."

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

 

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:  'Well, that's great....just great..........some a**hole's got my pen......

garym said:

From the back pew...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

 

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

 

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.

 

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen..."

 

The biker chick

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... A green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

garym said:

For the serious golfers out there...

Some new golf terms to use when you're
out on the course... 

A  'Rock Hudson' -  a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A  'Saddam Hussein' -  from one bunker into another.

A  'Yasser Arafat' -  butt ugly and in the sand.

A  'John Kennedy Jr.' -  didn't quite make it over the water.

A  'Rodney King' -  over-clubbed.

An  'O.J.'-  got away with one.

A  'Princess Grace' -  should have used a driver.

A  'Princess Di' -  shouldn't have used the driver.

A  'Condom' -  safe, but didn't feel right.

A  'Brazilian' -  shaved the hole.

A  'Rush Limbaugh' -  a little to far to the right.

A  'Nancy Pelosi' -  way to the left, possibly out of bounds.

A  'James Joyce' -  a putt that's impossible to read.

A  'Ted Kennedy' -  goes in the water and jumps out.

A  'Pee Wee Herman' -  too much wrist.

A  'Sonny Bono' -  straight into the trees.

A  'Mickey Mantle' – a dead yank.

A Wisconsin farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road ven dis huge Eversveet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, smokin’ gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now yust vot da fug vud you say?'

garym said:

The 2012 Stella Awards...

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy

Here are the Stella's for this past year -- 2012

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.