husband support

littleangel65
littleangel65 Member Posts: 46
in Breast Cancer #1

I was dx in jan. 2012, then I went to Tulsa, OK to get a 2nd opinion, and my husband wanted to bring his mother (who, prior to my dx, we didn't see eye to eye on too many things, basically, I just wasnt' good enough for her son, we've been married for 28 yrs.)

Anyway, she came, and when my oco. was giving me the grim news of my cancer, and how serious it is.. I explained to the doctor why it took me so long to get my mammogram, long story short, 1st mammagram in 2008, didn't show anything, meanwhile, due to the economy back then, husband and I were laid off, no insurance... later I did find a job in 2010 with ins., but at the time, I had a miserable cough, moved to a new state and town, went to 3 doctors, no one could help me with the cause of this cough, and being I was new to my job, I just couldn't keep taking time off to find a doctor I trusted, to examine me)

but in Nov. 2011, I finally went to get my mammogram, and unfortunatley thats when I found out I had cancer, Feb, 2012, i got a second opinion.

when the doctor left the room for a few mins.  My mother in law saw my husband in tears with  the news, and she told him, that its my fault, that I didn't get myself checked out sooner.

I just couldn't believe what I was hearing, and here I was, getting the jest of all of this cancer news, and she's saying something as cold as that...

Well, the past several months, I have noticed a change in my husbands attitude towards me, for one, in July, I had to go to Tulsa, Ok, which is 3 hrs. away for 33 rounds of radiation, during this time period, my husband came to visit me one time, other than to drop me off, and pick me up from the hospital.

I realize that money was and still is tight, but, he didn't call much either, and on my last day of raditation, he had to work, so he wasn't there to see me ring my bell.  But, I thought at least he'd call, which he did, the next day.

And, last night, before he had to go to work, he jumped out of bed, because our daughter called, (and I guess disturbed his sleep), but he's been sleeping for like 2 days, anyway, after I got off the phone with her, he just basically wishes that we never met.

His father died in 2006, and he is extremely close to his mother, and since his dad passed, I have notice a change in my husband, and now this... I would love to maybe leave, but at the moment I am not working, I am hoping to go back to work in the next 4 wks., and get my ins. started again.  But I really don't make much money at my job, prolly not enough to keep me going every month, especially with my medical bills.

But, I guess what I am trying to ask, has anyone else experienced this kind of attitude with their spouses, or is it just our marriage?

I am just thinking that maybe he wants to upset me, hoping that I will just give up my fight, and die...

 

 

 

Comments

  • Patti1967
    Patti1967 Member Posts: 186
    #2
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  • Patti1967
    Patti1967 Member Posts: 186
    #3
    Patti1967 said:

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    Not sure what happened to my

    Not sure what happened to my comment, know ur not alone and keep up the fight.

    Patti:)

  • littleangel65
    littleangel65 Member Posts: 46
    #4
    Patti1967 said:

    Not sure what happened to my

    Not sure what happened to my comment, know ur not alone and keep up the fight.

    Patti:)

    TY

    Thank you Patti, I don't know what happened either... but, hopefully my situation will get better, he's nice one minute, and then the next, well not so nice, I don't know if its stress between his work and them my illness, or what... but I told him last night, that it hurts me when he goes off the deep end, and if he is stressed, not to take it out on me.

    He's work is putting more and more work on their employees, but with this ecomomy, its getting that way everywhere, still, not a reason to take it out on me.  I know he did take my cancer dx hard at first, but its been a year now, and he and our kids (and myself) really are just trying to go on with our lives, and not think of the cancer being there, but I just don't need any additional stress, because, stress just makes me think of the "C" word all over again, and thats not good for a persons mind or immune system.

    Who knows, or can understand men sometimes,  They need to make a Midol type pill for men.  lol

    Take Care and Stay Strong

  • McMarty
    McMarty Member Posts: 212 Member
    #5
    Ah, littleangle, men are

    Ah, littleangle, men are WEIRD.  But you probably knew that already. 

    So many things run through their heads and they just let those thoughts play around up there and wreak havoc!  We had some trouble early on with me feeling like he was rooting for the cancer too.  Now I totally know and believe NOTHING could have been FURTHER from the truth!  It's just that they are wrestling in their way and we are hurting and needing them so their fumbling comes across as rejection. 

    Men aren't too good at things they can't fix by putting duct tape on it!  That just freaks them out!  And then when the broken thing is their whole life!  well, it can get ridiculous! 

    In my experience, this gets better too.  Give the poor fella some time - he'll figure it out!

  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    #6
    same here :(

    Have you talked to him about marriage counseling? Or if he wont accompany you possibly seeing a counselor yourself? Many cancer centers offer free or income based counseling free to cancer patients/survivors. I personally think counselling should be a regular part of cancer care, because it's downright traumatic what we go through. I've been in counseling since my diagnosis in 2010. And my husband and I have been in & out of counseling, with similar issues like you have stated. 

    With us, it seemed to start right after treatment - chemo and surgeries - ended. He is frustrated that I cant do things the way i used to - mentally, physically, even intimately (i had to have a complete hysterectomy also). He is very cold towards me anymore and always angry. I feel like I am (and have been since diagnosis) a burden to him. And the funny thing is - during treatment, he was there for EVERYTHING. He was so kind and supportive. Then it was like "ok, you're done with chemo now, you dont need me to help with the house, kids, etc anymore".

    Just know that you're not alone, ive talked to many friends who are BC survivors who have also had similar marriage problems. 

    Best of luck to you :)

    xoxo

    heather

  • littleangel65
    littleangel65 Member Posts: 46
    #7
    McMarty said:

    Ah, littleangle, men are

    Ah, littleangle, men are WEIRD.  But you probably knew that already. 

    So many things run through their heads and they just let those thoughts play around up there and wreak havoc!  We had some trouble early on with me feeling like he was rooting for the cancer too.  Now I totally know and believe NOTHING could have been FURTHER from the truth!  It's just that they are wrestling in their way and we are hurting and needing them so their fumbling comes across as rejection. 

    Men aren't too good at things they can't fix by putting duct tape on it!  That just freaks them out!  And then when the broken thing is their whole life!  well, it can get ridiculous! 

    In my experience, this gets better too.  Give the poor fella some time - he'll figure it out!

    Thanks, I know he needs to

    Thanks, I know he needs to come to terms with this too, but, sometimes his attitude just stresses me, and I just don't need that right now.  This cancer hit us at a bad time in our lives, (but when is a good time for cancer, right?)

    We just had too many things going on in our lives, lost our home that we worked so hard for, and did everything we could to save it, including my working 2 jobs, and him driving over the road as much as he could, just for both of to get laid off in 2009, then moved into an apt. in a college town, got low paying jobs, still having probs paying just basic bills, after bankruptcy, and then here comes the dx of my cancer.  So I know he is stressed too, and I know he don't blame me, but yet its just more pressure, more bills, and the uncertainity.

    But with the Lords help, and knowing I am not alone, does help me.

    I appreciate all of you ladies that have responded to me, its just what I needed.

    Thank You,

    littleangel65

     

     

     

  • littleangel65
    littleangel65 Member Posts: 46
    #8
    Heatherbelle said:

    same here :(

    Have you talked to him about marriage counseling? Or if he wont accompany you possibly seeing a counselor yourself? Many cancer centers offer free or income based counseling free to cancer patients/survivors. I personally think counselling should be a regular part of cancer care, because it's downright traumatic what we go through. I've been in counseling since my diagnosis in 2010. And my husband and I have been in & out of counseling, with similar issues like you have stated. 

    With us, it seemed to start right after treatment - chemo and surgeries - ended. He is frustrated that I cant do things the way i used to - mentally, physically, even intimately (i had to have a complete hysterectomy also). He is very cold towards me anymore and always angry. I feel like I am (and have been since diagnosis) a burden to him. And the funny thing is - during treatment, he was there for EVERYTHING. He was so kind and supportive. Then it was like "ok, you're done with chemo now, you dont need me to help with the house, kids, etc anymore".

    Just know that you're not alone, ive talked to many friends who are BC survivors who have also had similar marriage problems. 

    Best of luck to you :)

    xoxo

    heather

    Hello

    Thanks, it does make me feel better to know I am not alone.  I do feel like a burden, having to rely on him for my insurance, not for sure yet if I will be going back to work, I'm having issues with fatique and joint pain, one minute I feel ok, and then the next tired and hurting.  One minute he wants me to stay home and just get my excercise and my rest, then the next minute, he's like "go back to work".... 

    He says he loves me, but like you, this cancer thing has caused me to make changes in our lives, I am slower, my memory is crazy, and yeah theres the intimate thing.

    Well, I guess its just something we have to come to terms with.  I have brought up the idea of going to couseling, but, he is not one to talk to anyone about our marital issues, we usually have worked them out, but this is not your common marital issue.  And he is working alot right now, basically he just has enough time to come home and sleep, and back at work again, so I am trying to cut him some slack for that. 

    He's been getting back to himself, idk, just going to have to work on this, we have had a rough life, we were just starting to able to work same shifts, we've only been able to that for like 4 yrs. out of our 28 yr. marriage, we've either worked days and the other nights to save on babysitter costs, or he had to work away from home, including over the road.  And we got slammed with the news of cancer.

    I am confident that we will pull through this, the man I fell in love with, does come back to me, I just don't like when he turns into a selfish idiot.  But, now I know I am not alone, so it will help me, and I am fighting for me first, nobody is going to keep me from doing that.

     

    Hope things are going well with your health, that is what is important, the rest will fall in place, I am just so grateful for this website, it helps to chat with one another.

    Take Care, Stay Strong,

    littleangel65

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #9
    So sorry to hear your story.

    So sorry to hear your story. ILLNESS does many strange and many wonderful things. Each person handles it so differently. I am so sorry your situation is the way it is. It's hard enough being ill and no support. Have you tried using a journal? I know it will not make him change or your MOTHER in law but in the past it helped me. I had somewhat the same thing but in regards to my job. They started out gung ho..and once back and started radation on my lunch hours-gave me a HARD time. VERY uncaring and hurtful to this day.

    AT the cancer center I met a great therapist, which helped me through things. I still stop by to say hi when I am in the same building.

     

    Pixie dust heading your way.

     

    Denise

     

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