Unfit care giver anxiety
Hey there !
I'm hoping you folks can help me through this one. Or chew my butt if I'm off base on how I'm feeling tonight. I received a call today from my sister-in-law. Had a very good visit with her until the end of the call. I was told that because of my health issues (meaning my cancer and lung issues) I was going to put her brother (my husband) in an early grave. Give you a bit of history here....I have been my hubbies main caregiver for over 20 yrs., out of the 24 yrs. we've been married. He is a brittle diabetic, is legally blind, beginning stage renal failure, and has had a heart attack....and surgery to correct nerves in his heart. We live by his family and have for years because this has given him peace of mind. I have never complained because I love him. Now she took me by surprise with this....shouldn't have, they blamed the kids and myself when he first lost his vision 18 yrs. ago. When I was first dx'd with the cancer, I was mainly concerned with how Rolie would get by if something would happen to me. Well he will do fine, financially with my social security. And he is very independant and self sufficiant. These folks that are now telling me I'm killing their brother, have never offered once to help us out during the last year + with my tx's or appointments. They know Rolie can't drive, so no matter how I'm feeling or the weather I drive. I was so stupified by the statement....I had no reply to her, just hung up. Now I have been stewing on this all day. Cried alot, thinking oh my God, what if I am hurting my husband because I'm not able to be the strong woman I once was ? I know life isn't fair, and their are alot of well meaning idiots talking out their butts. But I still can't get past the unfairness of that statement she made, and how those few dumb words made me feel. I have been making huge strides getting my self esteem back up after all the bumps in the road and bam back down I go. Thanks for letting me vent. I will try hard to collect my thoughts and not cause a major blow up in hubbies family. (I said I'd try....no promises) Katie
Comments
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Ditch them
Hi Katie,
You have gone far beyond any measure to provide the support your husbad needs for many years. You have also had to be strong for you kids during many of these years. The fact the in laws have offered you no help while you are in need of support shouts out, they don't really give a shiiite about you. So, there is no reason to give them any power or you feeling any worse about yourself, your husband, or your kids. As they say, "consider the source" and trust me the source here ain't worth your spit.
Stay strong and stay close to those offering genuie support and caring, you deserve it. Let your husband maintain any level of relationship he wants with HIS family. It is possible they are just insensive dolts but it seems not based on history. Keep your head up, you are doing the right thing and giving as much as you can. Remember, you need to take care of your own heath too. Good luck, don
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Katie
I sincerely hope that she does live nearby, so you can take the shovel that she used for her "digging" remark and hit her over the head with it. What an unkind thing to say!! Couldn't she just have said "Rolie worries a lot about you", or just kept her mouth shut. I'm sorry, but it makes me really angry that she has hurt you.
Don't ever second guess yourself. It sounds like you have been and are a wonderful caregiver/helpmate to your husband.
She, nor the rest of the family, live in your house. You and Rolie do.
As a caregiver, you do the very best you can for the one you love. Sure, there are some books out there instructing you on caregiving, just as there are on child rearing. Have you ever tried to raise a child from one of those books? Hogwash!
I have also been a caregiver for many years to my diabetic hubby who, as you know from my rambling posts, has a bad heart. There is no one nearby to complain about my "job" performance. I wouldn't listen to anyone but the supervisor(my hubby) ,anyway.
Maybe she and some of the other family members should step up and offer a little help and transportation so her brother won't be "driven" to an early grave.
Rambling again,
Luv Ya,
Wolfen
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how dare she mess with our Katie
Hi Katie,
I am sorry you have a bung hole of a sister-in-law. I am sure events play out in her head differently than in yours and mine. It is funny she has chosen this time to come forth with her myopic vision of events. You are bright and honest; I read it in your words and your actions. I don’t know how family members can be so cruel, they just are. I am sure you will find an appropriate response, something fitting of your personality.
While hard, please don’t take her words to heart.
Your friend,
Matt
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Katie
Katie, please don't let this ungrateful person get you down. You don't deserve it. As caregivers, no one knows what we go thru and when you yourself are fighting this beast you don't need her hateful comments. You are a better person than I because I would have gone off on her. You don't need this extra stress and I would tell her so. If you don't want to cause problems between your husband and his family, I just wouldn't talk to them anymore or tell them anything. Personally I would have told her, if she thinks she could do a better job, here you take your brother and deal with him, while I deal with my own health issues. You take him to his doctor appointments, you make sure he takes his medication correctly, you financially support him.
She needs to read up about a diabetic and the side effects of being one. She also needs to understand exactly what she has done to you. You don't need the extra stress of dealing with her. She is indeed an idiot and I wouldn't hesitate to tell her so. But then again that is me. But you don't deserve to be upset like this. And I think you need to explain to your husband why you don't want anything more to do with his sister. Your health is the issue now and the main issue. Stress is definitely not good for you.
Sharon
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you can't pick your in-laws...
Katie you have every right to be mad...How dare she say something like that to you after not being around to help in any way. I agree with everyone else...don't let her stupid comments get to you. Both you and hubby know the truth.
You do not need to fill your life with toxic people, so cut her loose. She is not worth an ounce more of your energy. You just concentrate on getting better and worrying about just the two of you.
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5FU
Katie,
I believe Matt said it best with the "bung hole" remark. Sheesh... family... our own or those of or loved ones, will say the most 5FU'd up things! (like the 5FU chemo reference? Every time I see that I think of that... ~lol~)
Yes, take a few days and let that statement wear off. Remain cordial but distance yourself from that negativity. You have enough to worry about. And if there's a next time something like this comes up? I believe there was a statement about using a shovel that was a pretty good suggestion or you could always tell her to 5FU herself!"T"
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got caller id?
Katie,
I say punch her lights out, it'll make you feel better. How ultimately rude. How dare she. But I agree with your first thought, say nothing, She said it to spark a reaction - don't deliver it. She's a trouble maker who can go make trouble else where.
And most importantly, when your husband has had troubles, you didn't walk away and say I am worried about stress in my life, you remembered..
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
There's a lot about life where we have choices - like who to invite to the next holiday dinner!
But cancer, blindness, illness, it's not our choice, and when we go? that's God choice, and when our bodies wear out -- it's time. No one in their right mind would ever say those harsh words.
You are smart, brave, and courageous in my book, that makes your husband lucky, just am I am sure you feel about having him in your life.
So, got caller id? -- be busy!
Kari
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Ignorant Comment
Like mentioned, "you can't pick you family, including In-Laws"...
If anything, I'd just give it back to her asking her where she's been on the helping end for the last 20+ years. If you ask me, she's isn't part of the solution, she's just being a part of the problem...
If she hasn't anything positive to contribute, you might just to have to cut them loose as for communication and interaction, as Don said.
You don't need negativity in your lives, you need positive and supportive people. So if they can't do that, you should limit your interaction.
JG
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Kate,
Unforunately I was born
Kate,
Unforunately I was born with your gift to turn the other cheek, a few very not nice words would have came running out of my mouth ending with, to borrow from T, "5fu" and then hung up.
I am sure that you didn't do that because you are an awesome caregiver and thought the last thing your Rolie needs is distress in the family, but its definitely the last thing you need to hear fro uncaring person who hasn't offered one finger to help you or her brother by helping you. How worried about Rolie is she that she can't put herself out by assisting in at the very least his care so you can attend to yours. Based on your statement that this isn't the first rude assement on YOUR family. I would simply ignore her completely and when she wants to know why, tell her that you don't bother with ignorant people!
Your don't let stupid people put you down, God has it all planned out anyway. Like you stood in line to get this crap so you could drive Rolie to the grave, for the love of God woman get a brain!
Stay confident, believe in you, Rolie and your Kids and fight your own families battles that's your only concern!
Rachel0 -
I think Matt voiced
all our first knee jerk emotion...."How dare she mess with OUR Katie!!" Not knowing your past relationship with your SIL, or the "who" of her....it's hard for me to say "dump them"....or if the relationship is such, that once your heart quits hurting, and the anger has disappated....you can say "hey, when you said that it really hurt me". A history of stupid would allow for a bit or room in the butt talking department. I have relatives that I let slide, because they've ALWAYS been stupid. There are also people in my family who might say something stupid, and I could tell them how it made me feel. Most likely they'd feel awful, for saying such an unthinking thing.....and do what they needed to do to make amends.
Truth wills out. The simple fact here is.....if you hadn't taken wonderful care of Rolie for all these years, he very well might have seen a early grave. If you hadn't been there, would she have cared for him? AND....this is the part that really graveled my butt....IF she was so concerned with Rolie stressing over not being able to care for you during your illness (and I'm sure he'd have given his right arm to care for you in the way that you've cared for him)....then why not step in (as families do), and help you out when you needed it? That would have done wonders for Rolie's stress....
To say something or not is up to you......you know her. I'd have a hell of time keeping my mouth shut, tho.
Hugs to you, Katie girl.........whatever happens, it's going to be ok.....another truth.
p
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Katephrannie51 said:I think Matt voiced
all our first knee jerk emotion...."How dare she mess with OUR Katie!!" Not knowing your past relationship with your SIL, or the "who" of her....it's hard for me to say "dump them"....or if the relationship is such, that once your heart quits hurting, and the anger has disappated....you can say "hey, when you said that it really hurt me". A history of stupid would allow for a bit or room in the butt talking department. I have relatives that I let slide, because they've ALWAYS been stupid. There are also people in my family who might say something stupid, and I could tell them how it made me feel. Most likely they'd feel awful, for saying such an unthinking thing.....and do what they needed to do to make amends.
Truth wills out. The simple fact here is.....if you hadn't taken wonderful care of Rolie for all these years, he very well might have seen a early grave. If you hadn't been there, would she have cared for him? AND....this is the part that really graveled my butt....IF she was so concerned with Rolie stressing over not being able to care for you during your illness (and I'm sure he'd have given his right arm to care for you in the way that you've cared for him)....then why not step in (as families do), and help you out when you needed it? That would have done wonders for Rolie's stress....
To say something or not is up to you......you know her. I'd have a hell of time keeping my mouth shut, tho.
Hugs to you, Katie girl.........whatever happens, it's going to be ok.....another truth.
p
Yes, huge hugs from your family here. Take the high road on this one. Life is too short to let people like this sister-in-law get the best of you.
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What???NJShore said:LOL
Joe,
You really cracked me up tonight.. thank you!
I love your idea.
Kari
Katie please don't let her ignorance fool you into thinking you are anything but the best....best caregiver, best wife, best everything!
I agree with Joe.....hand over that email address.
I don't want to steal the stage here but I have to tell you, when I was sick someone that is close with our family and for the most part we consider her family, and I were talking and she made some comments about how hard all it was on my husband and my sons. I of course thought she meant because they were worried about me and it was causing them stress. But then she said, "it's just not right...men shouldn't have to care for women...it's their job to go to work and women take care of the other stuff" I just stared at her until she said, "it'll be nice when you get better and things can go back to normal and Tom won't have to pick up all the slack!"
Mind you, my husband never once complained AT ALL! So I just looked her straight in the eyes and said, "gee I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get cancer...how unthoughtful of me" and I walked away.
She didn't come around for a while and when she finally did she was very careful with her words.
I'm not making excuses for your jerk of a sister in law but I honestly think people are ignorant when it comes to illness unless of course they've walked in those shoes.
Gosh, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you've had to deal with this!
Consider yourself hugged!
Billie0 -
considered myself lifted up !
To everyone,
I laughed and cried at all of your responses. You are one bunch of rock stars in my eyes ! I didn't do the knee jerk reaction of attacking. I let Rolie handle it. He should be in the U.N. he is so diplomatic ! She knows those type of statements are unwelcomed and unwanted in our lives. And no I won't be talking with her for a time, as I need the space for awhile. Hugs sent out to each and everyone of you. And please remember I'm in your corners too always ! Katie
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Hey KATIE
Those darn Inlaws and Outlaws, I cant add much to what others have said other than let it go if you can, do not let a rude, (being kind) family member steal your peace. It amazes me how someone can be so blind to there inappropriate behavior. To make such a comment to you yet never offering to help is just sad. So know your cyber family has your back. Next time she calls tell her she is pushing you to an early grave and then hang up.
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Kate, you never know about
Kate, you never know about some people and just how ignorant they can be. my hubby has been taking excellent care of me since i got cancer is 8/09. he has done everything for me as you have done for your husband. you as caregivers will never understand the amount of gratitude we feel for what you do for us on a daily basis. there are no words to explain the appreciation we feel for your love, care, worry, patience, etc. You, as caregivers, bless our lives so that we can live as close to a normal life as possible.
Your sister in law needs to be slapped and I agree with everyone else, if she's so worried about her brother, let her a$$ help with his care. You could definitely use some help now that you are also sick. YOu didn't deserve her comment and I pray that you will do your best not to let it keep hold of you. she isn't worth it.
YOu and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and if you feel the need to pass that email address on, i'll take it too....lol.
God bless you and your family,
debbiejeanne
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