I have to get this off my chest

Tinkerwoman1 · March 2013

Think I have been in denial that I really had cancer!

The past 5-6 months have been sureal; a blurr, I have to go back and check paperwork to remember when I was first diagnosed 10/2/2012. Lumpectomy and 33 rad treatments, followed by headaches that felt my head was cracking open. Headaches have subsided but now have hematoma's popping up...literally, I couldn't feel my lumps until they were pointed out on the ultrasound and the nurse had me push really hard to find them; the hematomas on the other hand are/were as big as eggs. Had one trained Thursday (about a 1/2 cup of brownish blood) and today another one the size of an egg with more reddish blood. Surgeon thinks maybe I'll get one more but maybe not.

During this process (and I call it a process) of going through the motions doing exactly what the doctor's told me, I think I was denying I had cancer. It didn't seem so bad; I wasn't sick enough compared to what I read on these posts, and felt guilty at all the attention I received....kindness, love and caring support like I didn't deserve any of this. The reality is finally setting in and my emotions are always at the surface. I had to continue to work during treatments which have taken a toll on my emotions; from the fatigue of radiation, fatigue from the stresses at work and then the doctor bills.

I've relied on my faith for my strength through this and my faith has sustained me but in my physical self I feel so alone. Isn't that the strangest comment even with all the support I received. I want to feel like me, normal me, but am coming to accept that my new normal may be what I am now. Seriously going to join a support group in addition to coming back to these posts. I've been away because I couldnt find the link again and then my PW didn't work. Well I found you all again and reset my password.

Love and blessings to all of you. Reading your posts provides additional strength and I know I am not alone. We all deal with difficulties differently but we support and respect each others feelings and comments.

Tinkerwoman1 · March 2013

You are not alone

I am so happy you are brave enough to be honest with your feelings. I kind of feel the same way. I didn't have chemo but did have the radiation that made me so tired and the headaches; oh the headaches. Now having hematoma's popping up the size of eggs. Reality has set in. I had cancer, it's gone but there are side effects from the treatments. I have to deal with them with the help and understanding from fellow survivors.

Tinkerwoman1 · March 2013

Hit submit twice and posted twice/ sorry

Deleted the post because it posted twice.

Double Whammy · March 2013

I think you definitely belong here

We have not had a recurrence and have gotten through difficult treatments and had to make difficult decisions, whether we had chemo or not. I feel any of these experiences are a positive contribution to the newly diagnosed, frightened women who come here. I think it's important for them to hear from those of us who are doing well. I also think it's important that new members know that even though things are good, we do still worry. And we do still come here for support of those worries because we know we are not dismissed and there's always someone here who understands.

And as for the "old" members, well I need to know how everyone is doing and lend my support for any difficulties they may be having. I want those who are dealing with recurrences or other difficulties and side effects, to know we care. It makes me feel good to gas up the pink bus for my dear friends whom I've become close to over these past 2 1/2 years.

So please do continue to feel blessed and count as a blessing that you are here to lend your support to those who need it, no matter what they're experiencing. We're all in this together. I hope you'll stay on board. You do belong here.

Hugs,

Suzanne

I have to get this off my chest

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