Am I just crazy, dumb, or what?

Or I am crazy, dumb and whatever, too.  I had a petscan on Tuesday and was concerned about the prospect of my tumor growing.  Well, it hasn't much but they found a second tumor.  I wasn't even thinking about that.  I am just a step away from chemo because the new tumor is in a place where it can cause problems with my other organs.   

This disease wreaks havoc with our whole being.  I am surprised we don't all go mad before the cancer has a chance to kill us.  I am so sick of the whole thing.  I am tired of being strong, positive and hopeful.  But as we know, it is here and for most of us it is not ever going to leave us alone.

I haven't even told people about the latest news unless they have asked.  I am sick of being cancer girl.  I am sure I have become something people do not want to think about.  I usually have someone come with me to important appointments but this time I went alone.  I am even planning on going to chemo by myself if I indeed need it.  I just don't want to impose my disease on anyone else any longer.  I will probably have to eat those words if I get sick or weak but if possible I am going to handle it myself.

I don't think I am much help to you Carla.  I am fed up and scared, too.  I have been having the "what's the point" attitude for a while now.  My recurrence began last April and geez how much can a person take?  Many of you are asking the same question.

I am praying for good news for you with your upcoming scan.  Please know that you all mean so much to me.  Without you I would most certainly feel alone.  No one can possibly understand what we are going through.  I keep so many feelings to myself and put up a brave front.  But half the time I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.  

I am having a hot flash right now thatnks to the meds that are my last ditch effort before chemo re-enters my life.  You know how people say that when you go through something you know what to expect the next time?  I told my son, I have been through chemo so I know what it is like.  That is why I don't want to do it again.  

What you're feeling is so normal.  It's been almost two years since the end of my chemo and at my last checkup last week, my oncologist said I now only have to get checkups twice a year instead of four times a year.  You'd think I'd be jumping up and down for joy.  Truly, I'm grateful.  However, my first reaction was nervousness because it means my CA 125 is only going to be checked twice a year now.  I'm lucky to be stage 2b and currently NED (no evidence of disease) but my cancer is also grade 3 (poorly differentiated) which is the worst grade.  I didn't mind going to the oncologist every three months.  I try to enjoy and appreciate each day but at the same time, a day doesn't go by that I don't think about the fact that I actually had cancer.  I think the fact that your two friends are at the end of their ovarian cancer journey is no doubt contributing to your feelings of fear and anxiety. 

Vent away any time.  We're here for you!

Hugs,

Kelly

I sincerely hope that your scans tomorrow turn out good and your next post would be about how all the worrying was for nothing.

Best wishes and hugs,

Alexandra

azgrandma said:

Dear Carla

You do not have an expiration sign on you, so please do not give up hope. there is hope for all of us. I will say some prayers for you honey. Start reading the scriptures and trust God to help you , he will . I am praying angels come and give you comfort God bless you

Hi Carla

I hope all went well with your scans today..  Please let us know as soon as you hear anything