Constanly concerned

Hi I've been at this for a long time this month makes 14 years after the first 5 years.I thought it would be over any more surprises but after 4 more great years. I had to have lower jaw bone replaced. I have learned one thing take all the good times forget the bad life is to short to worry. Stay strong 

I am just 2 months one week out from last radiation. Will go on March 4 for scan and then on March 14 for results. Will be a very long 10 days waiting. Hope they can tell me something good before I see the doc. One thing the doctors at Cleveland Clinic told me is that stats do not mean much as they are spread over so many different types of people and cases. That for neck cancer, especially HPV positive, but tor all neck cancer cure is the goal as it is very possible with that type of cancer. To think about anything other than a cure is counter productive. That helps me most of the time, the rest of the time I am scared and can't let it drop.

Hi Rachel,

Having read several of your posts, it's quite obvious your faith is strong. Strong enough, I dare say, to totally put it in His hands and deal with each trial and tribulation one step at a time, knowing He is right there beside you. A little fear and worry is necessary for our survival but too much can be crippling and prevent you from living. Matthew 6:26

I look at this site and the many here who have beaten the beast and have come to realize that the term "survivor" is inaccurate. I would say that the many here are "living". To merely survive would be more like just going through the motions. Perhaps it was His intention to provide affirmation to what you already know in you heart. Having been on the journey as long as you have, hearing your words of faith is insprirational. 

On Monday, moments before I was taken to the OR, I was in the intensive care emergency room. Everything was set to go. Papers were signed, risks were explained etc. When you're listening to all those words in the midst of the frenzy around you, you don't always "hear" them. Not coming out of it alive is a posiibility. Small in some cases and larger in others. With my situation, the seriousness was emphasized several times in a very short time period. Things were happening so fast that I really didn't have time to think. A nurse came in with some final preparations and she looked at me, knowing how serious the situation was and asked if I was Ok. I knew what she was asking. You know what? I truly was. I had some nervousness but it wasn't fear. I truly was Ok. I don't always understand why things happen but I do know that eventually there will be an "Ah Ha" moment and it will all make sense whether I get it here on earth or afterwards. 

From what I've read, you've adapted to every situation cancer has thrown at you and you continue to "live". With the strength I see in your words, I see you doing the same thing in this situation and maybe even getting a few counter punches in at the same time. 

I understand your concern. I believe we all have them. Heck, I know it's on my mind when I dream about having cancer. While this beast has consumed a part of my body and caused me great pain (with more to come in treatment), it hasn't consumed my spirit or every waking moment and that is one thing I have control of. You do too.

I hope I'm not just rambling and this makes sense

"T" 

rachel12yrsuv said:

T.
It all made sense and I
T.

It all made sense and I appreciate every word! Maybe when you said OK it was because you have truly surrendered and realiize He is in control of your path. I have said that about ahha moment, I don't think there is one, I think there are many.. on a persoal note, when I was dx I was 28 and married for just 6months, I wanted a baby so bad, it got put on hold to go through treatment. After everything was clean and got the go ahead to try, nothing happened. Tests revealed I seemed ok, and ex had swimmer trouble so we went with artifical, 3 heart wrenching years later I got pregnant in April of 2003 and was due 1/10/2004, in July I miscarried. I was devestated! Around sept. We tried again and the session failed. I came home one night went in my room fell on my knees and began to yell at God and Jesus, "Hy me, why cancer and infertility, all my life I had a desire to have a child, it has to be my calling, why did You take my baby, what have I done to make You punish me so, why won't You bless me?" I fell asleep crying, so help me this happened, that night I dreamed or had a vision of Jesus with white garment and the crown of throwns(not bloody, just there and peaceful) I was so close i could raise a finger and touch Him and I said, why won't You bless me? He leaned in, wrapped His arms around me and whispered in my ear I already have. I woke right up, goose bumps every where and thought immediately how selfish, He just cured me from cancer! In May my obgyn called and said he had a patient who wanted to give her baby up for adoption(I had been on his list) we spoke, went to dinner that night found out the baby would be a girl and she would be Irish like me and Itlian like her dad, and one month later Faith was born, she was concieved in September. My ahha moment there was if I had carried my baby girl full term I would have missed out on Faith, and I was meant to be her Mom. In my heart I know that the soul of the girl I miscarried is the soul of my Faith.

So all that being said, that along with surviving the beast, and "living" the last 12 going on 13 years is why my Belief is where it is! Now because I know all of that, that is why I get upset when I am weak and let fear take over, and as I said in my last reply to the last warrier waiting to hear the words I already hear, Cancer is gone, I need to stop worrying and start living and practice what I preach.

I don't know what your surgery was for, but I hope you are ok! Please respond again and let me know how you are.

God Bless you,

Rachel

I knew you knew

We're going to have moments of weakness. It's our nature as humans and it's Ok. That's an amazing experience and one that profoundly affected you in a positive way. It's always humbles me when I see and hear about something good arising from the ashes of tribulation.

I had a neck dissection (two large tumors, 24 additional lymph nodes) a bilateral lingual tonsillectomy and BOT biopsies done Feb 7th.... Rough recovery and then some. The rest of the story you can read in the "A Rare Breed Indeed" thread I posted Tuesday. 

I'm doing Ok.. a little rough right at the moment (that's why I'm up posting) but getting better. 

"T"