I don't know what to do (20 year old "caregiver")

Monica

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I myself was diagosed with uterine cancer and have children your age and a little older.  My daughter like you is my real best friend.  This is hard and you will hear lot's of information from many people.   The word cancer is very scary to many who really don't understand the disease and it's opportunities for beating it.  The most important thing to do is listen to the dr's.  They are the ones who are there for you and understand treatments.  There are a number of stage 4 survivors and I am sure you will hear from some on this website.

What I have learned through this journey is to ask as many questions and the most important one:  what can your mom do to beat this.  If at all you want to make sure you have the right treatment option, never hesitiate to go for a second opinion,  Most dr's support this and even invite this.

You will also need to be strong and positive as it is very important that you mom stay positive as well.  

take care and hang in there while others on this website share

Sharon

Monica, what's important is to confront the fact that she may die while you at the same time maintain hope for her and for you, every day. Each of us is alive as long as we're alive, and it's important to savor that, and to find ways to bring her joy every day. Her desire to see you continue in college is probably her way of saying that she's proud of you and what you're doing, and that gives her joy because she'll know that you'll be OK.

You may want to consider having a candid conversation with the doctors, perhaps without her in the room, but also to talk with social workers. Your father's role is obviously not helpful, and so you would do best to "erase" his impact on the situation.

Your instincts that she should go to the hospital were spot on. Continue following them. You might also want to check with the American Cancer Society to see whether there's a Hope Lodge facility near your mother's hospital. These are lodgings that are free for cancer patients and their caregivers. You'll find a supportive community there of folks who will let you talk about the cancer as much or as little as you want, but most important, they'll be going through what you are, and it will save you driving for situations when she needs daily treatment. As long as you're more than 35 miles away, they'll admit you, as long as they have room.

Best of luck to you. I'm sorry that you're having to face this kind of challenge at such a young age. You'll get through it, and you'll be surprised at your own strength and resilience.

Debbie

Like you I am a caregiver to my best friend, and I was having such anxiety and would cry at he drop of a hat.  My husbaand has malignant melanoma have it got to the point he noticed the red eyes, anxiety, ect.  I called my Dr and was able to get medication to calm me so I could focus and help my husband to make the tough decisions.  I feel better, the anxiety has subsided and now I'm stronger for him..I'm not saying that everyone going through this needs MEDS but I am saying that it takes the edge off to help you be stronger and deal with some tough decisions.  I hope this helps..

grandmafay said:

Welcome

Welcome to the boards none of us ever wanted to be on. I'm sorry that you and your mother are having to deal with this. None of us knows what the future will hold. We all live, and we all die. In between, we need to do the best we can at the time. What you should do is whatever is right for you and your mom right now. People who tell you that she will die are right. So will they. When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, the doctor told us that his cancer was  treatable, not cureable, and life shortening. The literature at the time said he had about 22 months. We were blessed with six years. New treatments and protocols are being found everyday. For many cancer has become a chronic disease. When I told our pastor that we were just buying time, he pointed out that that was what all of us were doing. I learned that time is very precious. If we spend too much time worrying about the future, we fail to appreciate the now. Also, none of us has an expiration date stamped on us. Miracles happen daily. The next time someone tells you your mother is going to die, suggest that they will, too. 

it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. If your college has a medical center, it might be a good idea to check in with them. Many also offer counseling services that you might find helpfull. Ask about support groups. There is no shame in asking for help. You are in a stressful time. I know I needed support and was lucky to have family and friends nearby. Come here when you need our support. That's why these boards are here. Many here have dealt with many of your feelings and concerns. You are not alone. Fay

Fay, for the laugh...."The next time someone tells you your mother is going to die, suggest that they will, too."

I needed that.  People say the dumbest things....I am learning that.

mzlisaj said:

Thank you...

Fay, for the laugh...."The next time someone tells you your mother is going to die, suggest that they will, too."

 

I needed that.  People say the dumbest things....I am learning that.

@mzlisaj: I know what you mean by that...I hated when people were saying "you know, your mom is going to die" That was the last thing I wanted to hear and I wasn't thinkin like you did at the time as a 12 years old, but more like respond to thm as "No, you will!".

@Monica: You need to be by your Mom's side and be very strong. For her. I know very well how hard the whole situaton is. I was also a "caregiver" when my Mom was sick since my dad and my brother has passed away by that time. And I was only 12. It was hard, very hard. But you can't ever show her fear, weakness, or giving up. You have to fight for them with every ounce of your being! I wish you strength, and big big miracle and improvements to your Mom!

Please take care!