two steps ahead, one step

Alexandra said:

Dear LaCh

I am from ovarian board, but I was following your posts for about a month. You certainly went through a lot and I am very glad that you're healing and feeling better.

I wish you speedy recovery and to never have to deal with cancer of any kind again.

Virtual hugs,

Alexandra

Thanks for your kind words of support, but....you've been following my posts in particular???  Really??

As for your wishes for me and cancer....  I sincerely thank you.  Your thoughs mean a lot to me. I think that anyone and everyone with cancer goes through a lot, and how each of us comes out the other side sometimes seems like a crap shoot. One can hope for the best and all of us do, but there seems to be a certain element of chance to the thing.  What I hope for the most from the experience, is that I come out a better person than I was going in. That was my hope at the outset and it remains my hope now.  I guess time will tell.  I feel ok mentally and although I can observe that it's not a linear healing process and that I might have issues today that I didn't have yesterday, I'm not getting bent out of shape over it.  In any case, I might have pain today that I didn't have yesterday, but by any measure, both yesterday and today are better than last week.  The bigger picture. That's what I try to see.  Thanks again for your kind thoughts.  I also wish nothing but good things and good health for you.

Alexandra said:

Thank you LaCh

I am not a stalker. Why your posts in particular? Because you are much more raw, verbal and graphic than an average poster. I wanted to know that despite some hesitations you pull through and finished the treatment. And you did.

And you're welcome to read my posts anytime

Oh, no, no, you misunderstand, it never crossed my mind that you were a stalker, it's simply that I view my posts as banal at best, a little hot-headed at worst but over all, as far as content goes, not distinct from any others'.  I was puzzled but flattered, I suppose, is the best way to put it.  As far as my doubts and strong feelings about western medicine and the treatments that I endured in particular, I feel the same as I did.  Marynb has clarified her reasons for taking umbrage with some of the things that I said, which I appreciated, but it made me realize that if not her, then someone else might be hurt or offended by something I might say or the way in which I might say it, and the result was that I tried a softer delivery without compromising my thoughts or feelings and maybe withholding some things if there was really no need to record them.  It was a good lesson to learn and I'm glad that it unfolded as it did.  But as for finishing the treatments, I can tell you that every day, every DAY that I lay on that table and submitted to being irradiated, I thought, "What the HELL are you DOING?"  Am I glad that I finished treatments....  you know, that's a sort of tough question to answer, but not for the reasons that you might think.  I'm glad that they're OVER, but I have concerns about long-term side effects that might impact my quality of life.  But also, as I've mentioned before, I have a solid belief in the cycle of reincarnation and that colors my thoughts, feelings, viewpoints and decisions.  So why did I do it...Well, I did it because I felt that I owed it to the body that's served me for the last 59 years and I owed it to the current life that I have to at least give it an opportunity to see how things would unfold. I often view my own life as if I'm a third-party observer with some degree of objectivity and watch the plot unfold not unlike the way I might watch a movie unfold.  I'm curious to see where it goes.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do that with the least amount of difficulty possible, and the fewest unpleasant or problematic side effects. So right now, I'm not sorry that I did it, but do hope that the pain will resolve and I sure hope that the fatigue does. These are questions of quality of life over quantity of years, something that's always been foremost in my mind and decision-making process.  I'm still quite close in time to the treatments and so I'm not jumping to conclusions regarding the fatigue and pain that I still have. It's too soon to know where I'll end up.  So that's more or less the explanation of why I did, what I did.  As for following my posts, I was simply flattered, if puzzled.  I'm no different than anyone else, and couldn't--and can't--imagine why my posts would stand out more than any others. Nevertheless...  I thank you.  It's a compliment, I guess.