Ready to pull my hair out

Vivian:

I feel so bad for you and all you are having to deal with.  Please just know that I am praying for and David daily.  Our pastor is doing a series of sermons of faith and one of them is that even in times of despair God is with you.  I know that is so hard to visualize and feel sometimes but He is with you and David. I'm like Rick; I just wish there was something I could do or say to make things better for y'all.  Please feel free to PM me anytime.  God Bless!

Jan (Basketcase)

VivianLee5689 said:

Sorry I just feel so lonely

It is so stressful.  This is the only place people still respond even when there isn't good news.  After my post on caring bridge I can hear the crickets.  When I post feel good things I get plenty of posts.  People want to cheer and ignore the pain I feel.  Now when I share something that is so devestating to me I get nothing.  Yes I know they don't know what to say, but I can't always be encouraging. I don't have the strength.

Only those who are fighting the battle and seeing the ugly side of this war are free to share both sides of the battles. Each of us either personally is dealing with the same questions and situations to one degree or another so it is not foreign or something that offers a blank response. We think about this everyday to some extent and share this disease and all that it entails.

Please know you can draw comfort here as I know so many do understand and care deeply for all passengers on this bus.

Hold tightly to courage and hope.

DOn 

VivianLee5689 said:

Sorry I just feel so lonely

It is so stressful.  This is the only place people still respond even when there isn't good news.  After my post on caring bridge I can hear the crickets.  When I post feel good things I get plenty of posts.  People want to cheer and ignore the pain I feel.  Now when I share something that is so devestating to me I get nothing.  Yes I know they don't know what to say, but I can't always be encouraging. I don't have the strength.

Caring bridge. I too have noticed people only seem interested in the good stuff. I try not to hold that against anyone, as unless they have walked a mile in our shoes, they are clueless. I completely understand the financial stress as I walked away from a career that first and foremost I loved, but was also fortunate to have made a very good living less than two weeks agoAli hope from a financial standpoint I made the right call, and am confident from the stress angle it was the right call. I worry about my wife as when I was at my worst, she was an awesome caregiver, and now she is also the breadwinner. Being a caregiver is the toughest job in the world and I will always hold them in a special place in my heart. have are one of the most poised and courageous individuals I have ever had the pleasure of communicating with. Please know we ALL hold you in the highest regard.

Respectfully

Mike

Vivian,

I am sorry to hear there is a road block to David’s treatment. I wished they had mentioned the 5 year limitations earlier or not made the offer at all.  This definitely throws a wrench in everything, but it doesn’t deter me from hoping for a better plan for both of you.

Best,

Matt

Vivian,

I want you to know and hold tight to you're never alone !  Is this a for sure thing David can't receive the transplant ?  Do you guys have a coordinator.....or someone who could fight for you on this issue ?  I am praying so hard for you two.  The house issue plainly sucks....but saying this would it be the worst case scenario to let it go back ?  It would defineately take major stress off of you.  I was told by my parents always that home is where you hang your hat.  Meaning that.....life throws us curve balls, we do our best and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You are such an inspiration....and girl the love that radiates out of your written words humbles me.  Know my thoughts for a miracle and love are sent to yourself and David.   Katie

VanessaSLO said:

I'm with you, Vivian...

I don't know why sometimes things just have to be the way they are.... It is so unreasonable, unbelieveble, un-something...We ask ouselves why do things sometimes just go down, down, down... I don't know the purpose of that, truly. I encourage myself that maybe God knows what he's doing and the reward will come later. Because from every challenge or struggle we learn something. I know a woman in our town, she had 4 grown children. Last year 3 of them died in a car accident (drunk driver hit them)... One girl was 3 months pregnant at the time of accident. I still don't see the purpose of them dying... Still can't see the God's plan in all this... I just don't understand. How can a mother bear this... losing 3 of her children...

So, I know, Vivian, that you feel helpless right now. But you ARE strong. Strength is coming from every word you write. You have family beside you, your children too... Try to find strength in that. Just take one day at a time. But, you know, I'm still praying for a miracle for David's health. And I'm praying for you and your strength and peace. You have us here and we will always be listening. Because we're all here with one reason - fighting for life.

I probably said nothing encouraging right now... but please, do know, that I'm virtually holding your hand... You'll get thru this and you WILL be happy again! After rain there is ALWAYS a sun! Just believe that!!

And all those prayers coming your way... they just MUST and WILL help!!

Take care!

V.

Vivian, God does not plan for us to get cancer or for drunk drivers to kill the innocent, humans have free will and chose to cause these things through their actions oor others actions. God can however make something good out of tragedy. More importantly, God still does miracles so keep praying and bellieving. Our God is a loving God.

Debbie

They should have told you from the start that his H/N cancer disqualifies him from getting a transplant. I'm so sorry. I read your caring bridge page updates and think of you and David often. I just wish there was something I could do to help.

VivianLee5689 said:

Slim chance

Well David keeps telling me that the doctor had told us he had a slim chance of making it to next Christmas.  He told us initially the chance of David making it to transplant was slim.  Maybe he was trying to tell us, but we were just grasping for a chance at the miracle.  It is hard to believe that my husband isn't going to live much longer.  I hope if this is the case that God doesn't allow him to suffer long.  I know he loves me and probably enjoys spending so much time with me, but his quality of life sucks right now.  We aren't able to go into public with the exception of going to treatments and doctor's appointments.  He isn't able to shower every day because he knows it is such a challenge to get him ready to get in the shower.  He finds it difficult to even brush his teeth daily.  Not being able to use the one leg and being weak from so much weight loss makes everything harder.  He misses being able to sleep with me and I am sure he wishes we could kiss just as I do.  His relationship with God is so strong and I don't know how he would cope without that.  I appreciate all my friends here who help me with my faith and make me feel someone cares about what is happening to me as well.  I find myself upset sometimes that it doesn't seem like people care about me.  They all worry about David and yes he is dying, but I feel like a piece of me is dying too.

Hi Vivian,

This has likely already been mentioned but maybe you can join a local cancer support group. It seems like it would help you cope and also just get a needed short break from time to time.

Don