Cindysuetoyou

cindysuetoyou said:

hello

Hi...and thank you for thinking of me and asking how I am doing. 

Today is three months since David died. I've had a bad week. Crying a lot. I'm not even thinking about David or thinking of anything at all, really, and then this cloud of misery just comes over me. My heart sinks and starts pounding and I feel so awful, both physically and emotionally, and then I start crying and it's really hard for me to stop. I have moments where I feel totally shocked that David died, that he isn't here...like I can't even really believe it's true. I can't believe that David died so young, that he had brain cancer, that he couldn't beat it, that I am a mom who lost a child. I can't believe that he lost his life and this is my life. 

I feel like everyone else is going on by in their lives, like I am standing still in a stream and they are all sweeping by me. Even my husband says I need to "move on."  It makes me really resent him. I don't know what I expect my family and friends to do. They all talk to me all the time and ask me how I'm doing and go out with me and do stuff with me. I guess I want everyone to cry a lot all the time like me and be sad and messed up like me. But I don't really want that. I don't know what I want. I want David back like he was before he got cancer.

I've been writing down things that I am grateful for and putting them in a glass jar and re-reading them. It helps. I also have been riding out in the mountains once or twice a week, even when it's snowing or in the freezing rain. I am so grateful for the solititude and peace of the forest and the mountains. About the only thing I really want to do is ride my horse by myself. 

I don't know if I have started to heal. I don't think so. I think that I will never really "recover" from losing David. I think I will become numb or something and just learn to function and to live without him. Not having David here in my life, in my family, has left such a gaping hole.

But I know that I don't have to tell you all of this stuff. You lost your daughter and you know about gaping holes and learning how to live without your child. How are you doing? Do you have a lot of support from family, friends, your church? I really appreciate your notes and your words of encouragement, and especially your faith and trust in God.

Love and blessings, always, 

Cindy

 

Cindy my love:  Only a mother knows about those gaping holes.  I feel the same way as you do Cindy, no one else knows how we feel.  I too, resent my husband when he tells me to move on.  I asked him if he misses her and he asked me if I was crazy to ask him such a question.  I told him that he is grieving in a different way and I wish I could grieve the same way. Today is seven weeks since my daughter died and I cry all the time, I cry in the shower in the car, in the supermarket.  I too feel awful both physically and emotionally.  Sometimes I feel I failed my daughter with her treatment because I had uterine cancer in 2009 and I am now a three year survivor.  She swore that she was going to come out like me and be a survivor.  My heart sinks and yes, there are moments I even find myself talking to her asking "are you really gone?" Yes Cindy, I am in total shock myself.  She was so young, worked hard to meet her bills.  I wish I had helped her more.  I will never forget when I went to move her belongings from her apartment. (Oh, Dear God please help us to endure) She never went  back home.  Breaks my heart over and over. Yes Cindy, I too am a mom who lost a grown responsible child.

 I went for a check up at the same hospital and I just broke down crying at the reception desk.  I had a Cat scan and I was thinking how she must have felt when she was having her cat scan done, bone marrow biopsy, mri and all the crazy medicine for nothing.

i remember her asking me if I think she will get married.  She was so private and sophisticated.  As weird as it may seem I kiss her picture on my phone whenever I pull it up.  Cry Cindy, please do not let anyone stop you from crying.  You are being yourself and not hiding your feelings.  Everyday, we relive the journey of our children's illness, but time will help us heal.  

On a positive note Cindy, we were there from beginning to the end.  God gave us strength and wisdom to carry on and when it became too much He gave us and our children relief  "death" . Cindy, my daughter and David are resting peacefully.  We are the ones who are missing them.  They feel or know nothing until God  brings the resurrection, we will see them again.  We are Jehovah's Witnesses and yes we do get a lot of support from our congregation. I know many people have wrong views about Jehovah's Witnesses, but we are definitely not a cult and we believe in God and His Son Jesus Christ and do our utmost to live by Bible principles. Please continue to enjoy your horses and the peaceful mountains and remember our children are in a deep sleep, they are no longer suffering.  We will eventually get longer breaks in between tears.  Be well, and try not to be angry with your husband.  During my daughter's illness I was constantly angry with my husband, I felt that he didn't care like i did, but that is not true, our husbands can control their feelings better than we can.  I will keep in touch with you and hope each day bring you closer to acceptance and less pain.  I am writing you Cindy, and I don't believe our loss.  I will be holding your hand on our way to recovery.   Big hugs.