Friends

I am alive said:

Ditto
Icemantoo said it beautifully. Even best friends can just not "get it." They don't have a clue, really, unless they have had a close family member or friend go through cancer. Sometimes we just want to verbalize our fears and our struggle to deal with this. It's the way we process what has happened to us. Really, all your friend needed to do was listen and not judge. But I have found that even the most resourceful and well meaning friends don't know what to say. Cancer makes them feel uncomfortable and afraid. They either want to shut down the conversation after a few minutes, or they lapse into platitudes like "be brave," which really ticks me off. "Oh. I'm not being 'brave' if I talk about it? If I spell out the reality of the situation?" I actually think it's pretty 'brave' to look the monster squarely in the eye, and not very 'brave' to smother a needy friend in platitudes. But bottom line: forgive and let go. You don't want to lose a good friend over this. (and if the friendship cools a bit, so be it.) We all let each other down in a million ways. This board is a good place to go when you just want to verbalize your fears and sadness. We all know EXACTLY how you're feeling!

Boolea said:

I feel better
Thanks so much to all who responded here. Not sure how I'd be feeling without this forum at this point! You confirmed what I have been thinking, that no matter how much my friends care, they do not understand unless they experience it firsthand. I think it best to just tell them I'm doing fine and on the mend, and save my private thoughts and feelings for a counselor or for this forum.

My friend and I are still not speaking to each other. I had to put some time and distance in there, it was really upsetting me. I'm basically getting on with my life, which is what she said I was not doing.
She told me that when I was ready to be present and be among the living we could move forward. I guess counseling should not be one of her career choices :-)

I hope our friendship can resume but comments like that are patronizing and somewhat demeaning. I'm hoping for an apology from her for the level of self-righteousness and lack of sensitivity, but what are the odds. I hope I can find it in me to forgive and forget, in time.

I wish a good weekend to all and once again, thanks for the support and encouragement.
Boo

Boolea said:

Sometimes I wish...
Thanks for your reply. Lisa. Sometimes I wish people would say nothing, instead of saying these trite things that you often see on facebook "posters" or Hallmark cards. Geez.
I like your analogy of it hanging there over your shoulder for the rest of your life. You can ignore it all you want, but it's still there. But of course we can lead happy lives despite the fear and anxiety.

Your doc should not have said that. He/she should have addressed your concerns with you. The under meaning of that was: stop worrying and live life. All well and good to say to someone when it's not you that's having the experience.

I am in touch with my friend again, thankfully, but neither of us has mentioned our disagreement. There is no way I am going to be able to talk her into understanding, it's just going to come across wrong, like I'm wanting sympathy.

I would never presume to tell someone going through this how they should think and feel. I can't imagine why my dear friends are doing it to me, but I have to let it go.
I realized that I was censored for even saying that I wanted to improve my diet in the coming year and lifestyle to make sure I'm doing all I can so the cancer won't come back. Instead of saying, yes, that is great, my friend said: well, you need to focus on the positive. Aaargh! Lol. Isn't that positive, taking my health into my hands?
They are not understanding that this isn't in the forefront of your mind daily, it's just a concern and sometimes thoughts.

I think when I am feeling way better and all healed, that I will have the energy to skip around in that dress. For now, I will keep my thoughts to myself or discuss them with a counselor. I can't deal with any more emotional upset, I need to be on that healing path.

So glad I found this site as now I feel supported and not alone!

Boo

Boolea said:

Sometimes I wish...
Thanks for your reply. Lisa. Sometimes I wish people would say nothing, instead of saying these trite things that you often see on facebook "posters" or Hallmark cards. Geez.
I like your analogy of it hanging there over your shoulder for the rest of your life. You can ignore it all you want, but it's still there. But of course we can lead happy lives despite the fear and anxiety.

Your doc should not have said that. He/she should have addressed your concerns with you. The under meaning of that was: stop worrying and live life. All well and good to say to someone when it's not you that's having the experience.

I am in touch with my friend again, thankfully, but neither of us has mentioned our disagreement. There is no way I am going to be able to talk her into understanding, it's just going to come across wrong, like I'm wanting sympathy.

I would never presume to tell someone going through this how they should think and feel. I can't imagine why my dear friends are doing it to me, but I have to let it go.
I realized that I was censored for even saying that I wanted to improve my diet in the coming year and lifestyle to make sure I'm doing all I can so the cancer won't come back. Instead of saying, yes, that is great, my friend said: well, you need to focus on the positive. Aaargh! Lol. Isn't that positive, taking my health into my hands?
They are not understanding that this isn't in the forefront of your mind daily, it's just a concern and sometimes thoughts.

I think when I am feeling way better and all healed, that I will have the energy to skip around in that dress. For now, I will keep my thoughts to myself or discuss them with a counselor. I can't deal with any more emotional upset, I need to be on that healing path.

So glad I found this site as now I feel supported and not alone!

Boo

Wolflvr said:

Hello Boo
First let me say that I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. It is difficult when the people around us don't seem to know what we're going through and don't respond in the way we need them to, or in a way that allows us to say the things we need to say in what we feel is a safe and loving environment. A place of support. It makes things so much harder, especially when we don't have the experience or know how to navigate on our own.

You've gotten some fantastic words of encouragement and awesome advice, and I hope you don't mind if I expand in a slightly different direction. I don't know you or your friend, so if I'm way off, feel free to take with a grain of salt, lol.

There is another side to this. Your friends side. And I know that she isn't the cancer patient, she isn't the one that could have died, she isn't the one that's going to have a panic attack before every scan. Or is she? You say this woman is your best friend. A part of her would have died with you, she will live in terror before your scans and until the moment you give her results... and will probably immediately ask when the next one is so that she can prepare to panic then. She is the best friend of a cancer patient and it's almost the same thing, and in some ways worse. As helpless as you feel to help yourself, you can do the surgery, take the meds (for those that get them), change your lifestyle, do the research, call the doctors, etc. What can she do? She can tell you to be positive, don't dwell on it, keep moving, live like yesterday hasn't happened yet and tomorrow will never come. She can pray. She can hope that you're telling her the truth. She can't call the doctors to get info, she can't take the meds for you, she can't eat better for you, she can't save you, she can't help you, she can do nothing but wait and watch and hope against hope that you'll continue to be her best friend for the next 50 years. And she's terrified, but she doesn't want to dump that on you. And all of the books and well meaning family and friends she's asked what to do have told her to get you off the couch and don't let you wallow. Show you the good things. Remind you what you have to live for and don't treat you any differently. You're still you. Nothing has changed.

So I applaud you for coming here, for voicing your frustrations and fears just as I and so many others have. But to me? She needs a support group too, even if she doesn't know it, and she's not equipped to handle it. I wouldn't ask my hubby to knit me socks, and I wouldn't ask my sister to build me a garage, and neither of them have has any idea what to say to me except "I love you" and that's okay.

And I'm not at all saying that you're wrong for expecting people to cut you some slack, just maybe sometimes it's easier to feel the love they're drowning you in if you can see it for what it is?

Wolflvr said:

Hello Boo
First let me say that I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. It is difficult when the people around us don't seem to know what we're going through and don't respond in the way we need them to, or in a way that allows us to say the things we need to say in what we feel is a safe and loving environment. A place of support. It makes things so much harder, especially when we don't have the experience or know how to navigate on our own.

You've gotten some fantastic words of encouragement and awesome advice, and I hope you don't mind if I expand in a slightly different direction. I don't know you or your friend, so if I'm way off, feel free to take with a grain of salt, lol.

There is another side to this. Your friends side. And I know that she isn't the cancer patient, she isn't the one that could have died, she isn't the one that's going to have a panic attack before every scan. Or is she? You say this woman is your best friend. A part of her would have died with you, she will live in terror before your scans and until the moment you give her results... and will probably immediately ask when the next one is so that she can prepare to panic then. She is the best friend of a cancer patient and it's almost the same thing, and in some ways worse. As helpless as you feel to help yourself, you can do the surgery, take the meds (for those that get them), change your lifestyle, do the research, call the doctors, etc. What can she do? She can tell you to be positive, don't dwell on it, keep moving, live like yesterday hasn't happened yet and tomorrow will never come. She can pray. She can hope that you're telling her the truth. She can't call the doctors to get info, she can't take the meds for you, she can't eat better for you, she can't save you, she can't help you, she can do nothing but wait and watch and hope against hope that you'll continue to be her best friend for the next 50 years. And she's terrified, but she doesn't want to dump that on you. And all of the books and well meaning family and friends she's asked what to do have told her to get you off the couch and don't let you wallow. Show you the good things. Remind you what you have to live for and don't treat you any differently. You're still you. Nothing has changed.

So I applaud you for coming here, for voicing your frustrations and fears just as I and so many others have. But to me? She needs a support group too, even if she doesn't know it, and she's not equipped to handle it. I wouldn't ask my hubby to knit me socks, and I wouldn't ask my sister to build me a garage, and neither of them have has any idea what to say to me except "I love you" and that's okay.

And I'm not at all saying that you're wrong for expecting people to cut you some slack, just maybe sometimes it's easier to feel the love they're drowning you in if you can see it for what it is?