My anger is overwhelming

I am mad as h _ _ _!!!
Vee1,

For me being angry takes to much energy, you have to work at being angry and I am just not built that way. For sure definitely without a doubt I was upset, but what good does it do me to be angry. I was unfortunate, unlucky and it really sucked, but who is to blame? Of course I am looking at the cancer in a positive light (I should get better). I know someone very well who is continually angry and she exhausts me. As long as I feel good, I don’t think about the cancer. When I had dinner today with my parents and a few siblings I wish I could taste the food better, but was happy to be there. If I had a sit down discussion with you about our mutual hate for cancer we might be in total agreement, but to take it out beyond discussion (to me) means cancer is winning and I’ll be damned if I am going to give this beast a leg up on me.

Stay (more) happy, not angry,

Matt

hwt said:

Sorry to hear
Sorry to hear what your father is going to have to go through. I will keep him in my prayers. It makes me very sad but it is what it is. I have an occasional meltdown but, for the most part, try to appreciate the good things in life. You certainly have the right to be angry but don't let it take away time that you now have with your father.

Vee...
to me you show a tremendous amount of wisdom and inner strength just to be able to come to the conclusions you have. Your exposure to the "beast" is deep and it has affected the closest to you, a husband and now dad!

I am most impressed with the fact that the human side of you says "ask God to soften my heart" ...so many can't or won't do that, which of course I cast no stones, I can understand.

I lost my Dad (73) and my only and oldest brother (49) last year to cancer, within 3 months of each other. Then I was diagnosed that same year in November with stage III base of tongue. Having five young children ages 2-14 it was VERY hard for me to tell them "Dad had cancer" ..in their experience they just lost their "Pa" and "Uncle Dennis" who they truly loved, of course in their minds they are now going to lose their dad.

I don't know the future, my 14 year old daughter is still at times angry about the whole situation (at God) but I have refused to ask why me (not that I deserve any medals for that) and I told her if I die with cancer, so be it. If I survive cancer so be it. God has been good to us our entire lives, I will not now cast Him out and be angry with Him just because things don't go as we would like. Do I get afraid, worried, frustrated, you bet. Am I the strongest at all times in every way, not hardly. But it does not change the fact that God loves us and cares for us even in our worst hour. Why the horrible suffering and why the loss of loved ones so dear I will never be able to answer that...but one day He will and I will certainly ask. I will do all I can humanly possible to live many good years on this earth to care for my wife and children and the rest I will simply have to put in His hands. What else can I do?

I have learned sooooo much from this cancer and I have met and interacted with so many people...I have and will work very hard to offer help when I can and prayer all I can to whomever crosses my path. My heart is sooooo much more differet now than it ever was......could that be the very reason I have been through heck and back?? I don't know.

Thank you for your frank and honest post. It's those kind of posts that I believe help so many and show us that we are not alone. I truly love this online family of ours, I'm sure I irritate some and don't always say the best things, but I hope each person knows I mean well and in my heart I would never on purpose do anything to hurt one of my online family.

Best to you ...and your father continues to be in my prayers....it hurts my heart to see such a seasoned man of his years have to endure what he is having to or going to endure. I pray of course this will pass him by.

Tim

I would bet
V

I would bet everyone here would say the same things you have share and some in not so cleanly.... :-)

i believe " cancer sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

That's how we all win this fight, we take that energy and put it into the fight! it is going to take so much positive mental attitude enforcement from you towards and with your father to kick cancers ****. the fighter fallows the caregivers attitude so much that it is normally the way they head with the fight.

time to stand tall and strong. time to believe he will win and he will win. time to hold all your negative thoughts to us and everyone other than your father. time to take your energy and anger, bundle it up and use it to carry your father thru the treatment ride to hell and back.

Positive Mental Attitude will help your father too never, never, never give up!

time to take these stories of survivorship and share with him, if we can do it and survive he can do the same.

we are all here to answer any questions, support you and your father unconditional and more import we are here to listen!

HOPE is what is here and Hope is what is needed to win fight and most of all HOPE is what you will get here.


hugs and prayers going out not only for your father but for his daughter and family along with his doctors.

always be upbeat and smile when around your dad

john

wolfen said:

The Way I Feel
First of all, my hubby is angry. Not so much at the cancer, but at the many medical mistakes that he has experienced throughout his life and at coming yet again to another crossroad and not knowing exactly which way to go. This one will decide if he lives or dies.

I think I mostly feel despondent, defeated, & dead inside. For those of you who do well with antidepressants, I commend you. When my daughter was diagnosed 4 years ago, my GP(who I visit once a year for BP meds) offered to give me something for depression, I declined. A pill won't make her cancer go away & a pill won't make hubby's cancer go away.

I have learned to live one day at a time with no further expectations, except those filled with medical decisions and financial obligations. I have not had a relationship with a higher being in over 35 years. For those of you who believe that your higher being is with you, watching over you, I envy you that love. I don't believe I've ever had a single prayer answered. It is my belief that hell is here on earth. That being said, it is not my intention to infringe on the beliefs of others.


I'm just putting my two cents worth in here and hope nobody minds.

Luv,

Wolfen

sad:
It is so very sad: There is no means by which patients can provide constructive criticism back to the medical community. No wonder the medical community cannot learn. Rick.