Burst bubble

I had my yearly checkup with my surgeon on Thursday. I love him and although he is frank, he is also encouraging. He mentioned that my CA 125 results were trending downward since I began the Tamoxifen in July. I said except for the current one which rose from 24 to 31. He shrugged and said, same thing. I said, you say!

I told him I know he doesn't have a crystal ball but what did he think was happening? Well, big mistake. He said in time the tumor may become resistant to the drug and start to grow or something would show up somewhere else. He said I would be on chemo at some point and that was 100%. I knew all this but I for some reason it is not what I was expecting to hear that day.

I left very upset and could hardly control my emotions as I drove the 30 miles home. I thought of going to my cousin's house and breaking down but I didn't want to give in to the fear. When I came home my mom asked how my appointment went. I told her that my doctor had taken the opportunity to remind me of my bleak future.

The next day I had an appointment with my oncologist and soon after she came in I lost it. I told her I didn't know why I was so upset that he hadn't told me anything new. Then it dawned on me. I thought this tumor would go away. I am fully aware that the cancer will more than likely show up again but I had built up expectations of remission for this recurrence. I had even told a friend the other day that I wondered when they would decide I was in remission. Ok, I know I am not going to win the war but I thought I could win this battle. It took the wind out of my sails.

The doctor told me that we don't know if the drug has stopped working, we have to wait for more results. If it does there are other estrogen blockers to try and after that there are other drugs before we resort to chemo.

The surgeon as well as the oncologist believe in waiting to use chemo until the time I become symptomatic. I understand that but I try to explain to them the fear that gives me since I was mildly symptomatic at diagnosis yet was full of cancer. The surgeon also stated that in the UK and here some choose not to have the CA 125. He said if I hadn't had it I wouldn't know I even have a tumor right now because I have no symptoms. I said I understood that concept but don't think I could handle not knowing, I would still worry.

The oncologist gave me a talk about "compartmentalizing" the cancer. She said you have to find a way to get it out of the forefront. I said I am normally upbeat (we ladies could write the book on that) but this just hit me hard. As I said, I thought I was winning this battle and who knows, maybe I still am.

So I am still feeling a little down and hope that as usually happens I absorb the feelings and move forward. I found myself having "what's the point?" thoughts but tell myself I am ok today.

This episode has also cost me money. I am having difficulty saying no to myself. First the makeup, then a red jeans jacket and yesterday a red coat.

I have also been eating whatever. As you may know I am a Weight Watcher and have been struggling of late. These last few days I lost the struggle. Thank God I have a meeting on Tuesday where I can ask for help.

Sorry to go on. I just had to let it out and who understands it better than all of you. I am so glad you are here. I promise to come back with happier thoughts soon.


Love you,
Karen