I'm trying out a new pair of shoes with a couple miles to go...

Great post
Thsnk you for vocalisiNg what a lot of people would have felt at times About their illness and about this site. Having had a long on and off relationship with this site I can understand your feelings. I genuinely believe that what you are are talking about are stages of 'recovery' in cancer. It is a word I like as it doesn't necessary assume cure or going to back to how we were after before cancer but about moving forward in life despite what we have experienced or continue to have to deal with. One of those processes is about cancer taking up less space in our lives and other more 'normal ' aspects of life beginning to recur. In that I think people's time on this site often diminshes as their recover and that is a healthy process and not one people should feel guilty about. I am impressed by those that remain but am also aware that for many moving on from this site is an important part part of their recovery.

Thanks again for the eloquent and thoughtful post- your contributions are valued and reflect the long experience you have in this journey that many here benefit from,

Steve

CJ
There's certainly no "need" for an apology nor should you feel guilty because you're doing well. But I think it's great how you've been able to put into words what I imagine many people have felt. I've had similar feelings with doing better than some and even better than some who see my Oncologist.

I think it's a Crap Shoot (for lack of a better word) at times as to who does well and who doesn't.
Thanks for checking in and for writing such a great post.
-phil

Great post
I sometimes mention to my wife whether this site does me more harm than good. It's usually after reading a post with tears in my eyes, especially lately with many of our folks here not making it, or in tough situations. But that's obviously inherent in a board such as this. I'm often at a loss for words, and like you put, CJ, someone has said it better already and you basically just wanna say, "what he/she said." But you wanna be supportive because other members have been so supportive of me, with information, understanding, and simply giving a damn. When you come here new, you're scared to death, with lots of questions, many that can't really be answered. Now that I've been here awhile -- a whole 9 months, lol -- I understand things much better -- mainly because of this board. I would be totally lost if I didn't have you guys, so my answer is always "more good than harm." I feel a responsibility to "pay it forward" by being there for others, and offering what little insight I may have gleaned with my fight of this damn disease. I don't know how I'll feel as I progress, good or bad, but I wanna stick around and do what I can to support others. Or be given support and encouragement when facing challenges that will inevitably come. You tapped into a lot of feelings, CJ, and put into words what I've thought but couldn't express. Which, again, is a reason to be a part of this -- because you folks are the only ones that really understand this journey. Good job, CJ. Dan

lauragb said:

Wow CJ! I feel like you are
Wow CJ! I feel like you are channeling me on here. Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. I too have been conflicted about my participation in the forum. I had recent NED scans and can now say I've been NED for a year since my first surgery. I am happy but still trying to deal with it all. Thanks to Steve for calling it the stages of recovery. I have felt everything you described. Approach-Avoidance, I hate bad news but want to know how people are, plus I feel a connection to folks on the site, common experiences. Well, I could go on but it's WHAT YOU SAID. Thanks again for putting this out here.

Laura

gonna wear those shoots out
Hey,

I love your post ~ you nailed the emotions of having / had cancer. Thanks for sharing and wear out those new shoes walking!

"Minnesotagirl"

New shoes
I hope none of you are in my shoes. I'M comming up on three years since dxed and apparently still Ned. Two weeks ago I had to put my wife of 55 years into a home for Alzheimers patients. She got so she needed more care than I could give her myself. So I may be "Cured" only to watch my beloved die by inches before my eyes. A rough walk to say the least. May you all have an easier path.

danker said:

New shoes
I hope none of you are in my shoes. I'M comming up on three years since dxed and apparently still Ned. Two weeks ago I had to put my wife of 55 years into a home for Alzheimers patients. She got so she needed more care than I could give her myself. So I may be "Cured" only to watch my beloved die by inches before my eyes. A rough walk to say the least. May you all have an easier path.

So sorry
Alzheimers is a wretched disease - especially for loved ones. Try to get as much help as you can for your new rough walk.

cj
thank you for your post
judy

CJ: You summed it up
CJ: You summed it up perfectly. I joined this Board after completing tx, but am so glad I found all you folks.
Danker: How very sad for you.....
Hugs and more hugs,
Tommycat
DX 2009 Stage 3 rectal cancer currently NED

son of hal said:

Thanks for all the positive
Thanks for all the positive feedback, folks. I knew I couldn't be alone in my feelings and observations. This is one of the great things about this forum. When it gives us the knowlege that we are not alone in this no matter how crazy things seem sometimes. Knowing this, also takes away alot of the "why me" feelings when no one close to you is in a similar situation. Many people here expressed how they wished they knew about this site earlier in their treatment and I wish I had too. Not only for the valuable information but for the fellowship and communion these forums create. It's known to be therapeutic to share such things and maybe that should be a discussion that takes place when people are diagnosed. What does it take to change something like that? I remember my oncologist saying "counselors are available if you'd like to talk to someone" but I didn't think it was important at the time. Maybe it should be standard protocal? I don't know, but the number of members here and other similar forums is so small compared to the number of new cases daily that I think something in the system is missing.
Anyway, I wish the best for all of us here and hope I can continue to "share" now and then.
Take care,
Cj

Hey CeeJ
Standard Protocol?

Maybe...I suppose that they could at least make folks aware that a program was available.

But, I think the overwhelming reason you don't see more folks in any kind of support group stems from the stigma attached to what that represents. Alot of folks are just not good at expressing themselves for whatever the reason is.

It might be an admission that they 'need help'...and they don't want to acknowledged that they are now "one of them."

I think for many (myself specifically) that cancer knocked down the last wall of pretense that I had been carrying...I was stripped naked physically and emotionally. That manifested itself in me trying to find an avenue to reach out to others...I just needed someone to listen to what I had to say.

And on this forum...I've been blessed by that.

Counter-point to that...

When my sister was murdered, the DA mentioned a physical support group for the families of murder victims...I declined...did not feel that I needed that...felt uncomfortable with it...thought I could move on without any help.

Did I?

Yeah, I think so...don't know if I would have benefited or not...I turned hard and my motto became "I don't get hurt - I do the hurtin'"

A stark contrast to what you see before you today:)

I was hurt and I internalized it and buried it so deep, it's still hard to find...but I made it through okay.

The first 5-years of my cancer journey, I walked alone...just me and my thoughts...just waiting for the opportunity...which then came in the form of this board when I accidentally stumbled into the room head first.

My role was different...I had experience...I came to help...not to be helped. I still don't think I've ever asked a cancer question in my time here yet...I came here...and stayed here for the people.

I believe the words you used were..."fellowship and communion."

No arguments that those are my bread and butter...new folks come here for the information...and some stay because of the relationships that are formed.

I think I would have still been okay had I never found this place...I have always been able to live within my own mind and I've had a lifetime of tragedy to teach me how to cope with the situation at hand...even if I know nothing of the subject itself...like where I'm at with all my dad's mess.

And yet, my life probably would never have evolved to where its at without the deep, warm relationships that have been cultivated here. X's and O's are always relevant, but it's the deeper, human connection that keeps one tied to a site or whatever it is that helps one.

Info is everywhere...but, that's not really what we are looking for, is it?

No, the bottom line is we are interested in shared experiences and how they relate to us.

We are interested in what the other person went through or has done - so that we can readily identify that their story closely mirrors our own. That's what makes good drama. It has to be real...because it's the real that sells you...it's the real that makes people identify with your case - and more to the point, who you are.

For every season - there is a reason...

And everybody has got to come to the light in accordance with their needs and where they are at in their life.

Years ago...I would have never considered counseling or needing help.

My help from the community has come about in a much different way as time has passed...

The validation, love and acceptance I've received here from so many of my friends has been invaluable to me in ways that would have been unimaginable in another lifetime. That's been the salve I try and use to heal my wounds.

Educating patients that programs are availabe should be more readily offered and even encouraged, I agree.

Along with that though is the ever prevailing thought that everyone has to come to that fork in the road on their own recognizance and initiative for it to be meaningful and beneficial.

You seen A&E's show...Intervention?

One must want help to receive help...and I think that's why you don't see more participation on the various forums that you are visiting. These forums represent only a microcosm of the population that is affected.

It's hard for people to get help...even if they are pointed to where the help is.

The old adage applies here..."You can lead a horse to water - but you can't make him drink."

That's evident here of course, as many patients and/or caregivers choose not to participate and let their significant other carry the torch for them for reasons that are their own.

As with all living creatures, we handle our situations according to one another's gifts.

But, your point is well taken. Glad you are doing well.

-Craig