transitions

ptharp said:

Hi Kimberly: I have Ovarian
Hi Kimberly: I have Ovarian Cancer Stage 3c. I was diagnosed on October 18th and just finished my first round (3 treatments - Carboplatin and Taxol first week and Taxol alone on second and third week). I think about cancer everyday. Hopefully there will be a time when I go into remission when I do not think about it all the time. I also cry every day. I hope that will stop. I have nt started the transition yet. I feel like I am floundering about like a fish. I am in I feel sorry for me stage. I am also struggling with the fact that I do not know what my life is going to be like or how long I will live. My husband tells me all the time I can not think like that. I have to stay possitive. I just found out that my CA-125 before surgery was 84. I had another test just before my chemo and after my surgery and it went to 11. I was very excited, but some women on another site (not this one) burst my bubble by going on and on about how that does not matter because it is not a good measurement and not accurate. So not I am feeling down again.

When does this transisition start? Will it start after I go into remission?

Alexandra said:

transitions can be positive
Hello Kim,

I fully understand how cancer diagnosis, treatment side effects and surgical menopause could make you feel depressed, self-conscious and less of a woman. For me it's been stage 3C, ascites, 6 months without hair, 30 lbs weight gain, chemo brain, peripheral neuropathy, a big old hysterectomy scar and an open wound from the IP port that never healed. My last chemo (7th round) was yesterday. My CA125 is 7, down from 1083. Techically I am NED, but no one told me about it.

An old college buddy called me recently and asked how cancer had changed my perspective on life and death. I told him that I did not choose to get cancer and having it does not qualify me as an expert on eternal philosophical questions.

APPEARANCE

- I don't like what I see in the mirror but I try not to dwell on it.

- I wear different wigs, even in the house. Most of them look better than my natural hair and I never got as many compliments. If wigs bother you, wear scarves or hats till your hair grows back. I respect women who go "topless" to make a statement, but I don't do that.

- I religiously moisturize my dry skin twice a day and apply foundation and decorative make-up as soon as I wake up.

- When my eyebrows were gone for about a month, I used eyebrow pencil and powder with templates. Looked almost passable.

- For eyelashes I use Idolash, it makes them grow faster. I was not able to use false lashes.

- If you have not been to the 'Look Good Feel Better' workshop in your area - go! Even if you already know everything they teach there - you will get a complimentary makeup basket.

- You can't completely erase scars, but there is a number of 100% silicone gels and dressings to minimize them. I use Mepiform tapes and kelocote gel.

- It's impossible to disguise weight gain, but Spanks and similar shapewear enhance your overall body shape, I haven't left the house without a pair on in 10 years.

- After unsuccessfully trying to squeeze into my old clothes, I packed them up and bought a whole new wardrobe in my current size. I bought several pairs of NYDJ (tummy tuck) straight leg jeans that suck you in and make you look at least a size smaller. Longer loose tops and tunics with deep V-neck take attention off problem stomach areas. Shapefx brand has many types of clothes and underwear that address different body issues.
No woman with or without cancer can feel bad trying on new outfits and shoes.

- Drink a lot of fluids, get as much sleep as possible and exercise. It's good for your skin and overall health. This is purely theoretical; I don't really exercise, but I would like to start one of these days.

INTIMACY

I went and talked to the GYN nurse and the doctor about sexual issues and they provided me with a bunch of 'cancer and sex' literature. Some of it was helpful. They are trained in the subject and know how to help even if you are not comfortable or shy. I am definitely not shy.

My advise is don't stop. Even if you are feeling tired, depressed, sad - don't give up on intimacy and sex. I kept at it through the darkest time after being diagnosed, while on chemo, after surgery. It is doing wonders for my self-esteem. It makes me feel desired, attractive and normal. Have a sense of humor and keep it light. Once my partner forgot and pulled on my hair and my wig fell off; rather than being embarrassed, we laughed so hard.

If your libido is down, try toys, videos, magazines, fantasy role play and dress up, suggest different positions, do it outside of the bedroom. Be a teenager again: have a hot date in the car, in an empty movie theatre, in a secluded area of the park. Obviously don't go crazy, you don't want to get arrested for public indecency. But it is your chance to do things you always wanted to do, but maybe were uncomfortable. Not everyone's cup of tea, but I've met couples in their 50's who started nudist lifestyle, swinging or engaging in threesomes after wives had breast cancer (mastectomy and reconstructive surgery).

Not to be presumptuous, but many men over 40 have their own health problems with low testosterone, flagging libido, getting and maintaining erection, performance anxiety.
Not all men are used to talking about sex. Your partner may be holding back scared to hurt or upset you. Communicate clearly when you are willing and ready.
This is not the time to be a shrinking violet. Initiate sex when you feel like it. Wear sexy lingerie, make-up, perfume, jewellery, whatever makes you feel good. It may take you longer to get aroused than it used to. You may not reach orgasm every time. Extended foreplay is a must for women with low or absent estrogen. I was open with my partner about it and he had no problem with it. Use tons of lube (Astroglide, KY, etc.), re-apply as needed.

If you're having vaginal dryness or pain with intercourse caused by surgical menopause, there are prescription estrogen creams (Premarin, Vagifem, etc.) I take Premarin 0.625 orally daily and Premarin vaginal cream 0.5 gram twice a week. In 2-3 weeks it completely eliminated hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, improved quality of sleep and my overall sense of well-being. There are over-the-counter creams like Replens, if you're scared of hormones. However there is plenty of scientific evidence that estrogen does not increase risk of breast or ovarian cancer recurrance or decrease survival rates in ovarian cancer survivors or in BRCA1 and BRCA2 positive women (and I am both).

Unless you have some religious reason not to, masturbate often. It will prevent vaginal atrophy and keep you healthy down there. All in moderation however, don't overdo it with vibrators, because it can desensitize your clitoris and cause stress or urge incontinence. Do Kegels or use pessaries if you are having urinary issues.

Sex does not have to be only about penetration. If traditional intercourse is very painful or not possible for medical reasons - no red-blooded guy has ever refused to give and especially to receive oral or manual stimulation. Hold each other, kiss, cuddle, try sensual massage, foot rub, send a naughty text, open a bottle of red wine, take a romantic walk, hold hands, talk about something less morbid than cancer.

OTHER STUFF

- Don't directly apply recurrence and survival statistics to your situation. Everyone is different. OC is a chronic disease, not a death sentence. There is a much better chance to survive OC, than to win the jackpot in Vegas and yet gambling is a billion-dollar industry.

- Don't withdraw from your family, friends and co-workers. Don't wait till they call you, call or email them first. Only discuss cancer-related issues if they are comfortable with it.
There are million other things to talk about, even if it does not look this way right now.

- Don't be a hero. Ask for help and accept it if you need it. After my surgery rather than fighting a losing battle with my husband and teenage daughter about how keeping house clean is not optional, I gave up and hired a cleaning lady. For the first time in 20 years I don't take out garbage, don't lug bags of groceries upstairs from the garage or heavy hampers to and from the laundry room, don't mop floors or scrub toilets. Sweet!

- Sign up for something physical: yoga, swimming, power-walking, tai-chi.

- Meditate, pray, think happy thoughts, read a book, play video games, listen to your favorite music, watch a silly old movie, cry if you feel like crying, buy junk off eBay, flirt with strangers, play with children, treat yourself to something frivolous like botox or a day at the spa, celebrate small victories, help others cope.


Sorry about the long post, I have been off this board for a while.
Best of luck to you and all the other wonderful ladies.