How to Handle Mom's Denial

grandmafay said:

Denial/Hope
I keep telling myself that I am just going to lurk and not write anything, but I just can't help myself.

Although my husband accepted from the beginning that he was just buying time, he still had hope. I think that is a part of the human condition. His first recurrence hit both of us hard because the "just buying time" became more real. I think his surgeon said it best when he told us that his stage was treatable, not curable, and life shortening. Yet each of our family members heard that a little differently. We each interpreted it a bit differently. One son hung on to treatable and one to not curable. I heard the life shortening part and kept thinking we weren't going to grow old together. I suspect that your mother is not so much in denial as she is choosing to interpreting her fate differently. My husband chose to interpret his as buying time and wanted to buy as much time as possible. That meant that he went through several surgeries, chemos, and one cycle of radiation. He bought 6 years. That was his choice, and I supported him anyway I could. Did he fight longer than I might have? Yes. But it was his life, and his death. Did he ask questions? No, but I did. I often knew the answers, but wanted him to hear them from his dr. Sometimes they were hard questions and even harder answers to hear. That way, he heard. If he chose to ignore or interpret the answers differently, that was his choice. I did get his permission before hand to ask the hard questions. Toward the end, I asked the doctor to be brutally honest with us. I asked it it was time to call hospice. Then I asked my husband what he wanted to do. Throughout the six years, we made memories. He had times when he felt good enough to travel, and times he could barely get out of bed. Each had their own challenges.

Now, what am I trying to say and rambling on about? I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can tell you that I cherish and feel blessed by the six years my husband bought. I followed his lead. Your mother may not so much be in denial as she is holding on to hope. It may be false hope, but is that necessarily a bad thing? I can't answer that question because each of us must find our own way through this ordeal, make our own choices. Each situation is different. My husband chose to fight knowing what the end game would probably be, and I chose to support his choice. It wasn't easy, but it was right for us. I hated seeing him in pain. I hated the side effects of the chemo and the recovery time from surgeries, but I loved him. That was what counted. Take care, Fay

Thank You
Hi Fay,

I'm so sorry about your husband, and I want you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to tell me about your husband and your family. I did a lot more thinking yesterday (before I saw the replies here on the board), and I came up with what I think is a workable solution (if in fact there can ever be a decent solution to something as awful as this is to go through).

I did a lot of reading yesterday about cancer patients and denial - I was surprised by how many studies have been done about it, and the wealth of information I found was really comforting. Basically, the conclusions from the experts say that it can be perfectly fine for a patient to live in denial - it lessens anxiety and is essentially a protective mechanism. I also read up about my mother's type of cancer, and the statistics governing recurrence. The long-term outlook is grim. She knows that on some level, which I think is why she doesn't want to discuss it with the doctor.

So here is what I decided to do - I'm going to just play along with whatever my mom is feeling on any given day. If she is feeling hopeful, or if she is feeling doubtful, I will just let her take the lead. I know in the back of my head ultimately where this cancer diagnosis is leading, so what I can do is, as what happened with your husband, when she feels strong enough to do things, I'm going to encourage her to do those things. I can encourage her to travel and see friends without reminding her "hey, by the way, you really need to do this NOW." That way, I respect her wishes to stay in denial, but then I can also be honest to the extent that I need to be to ensure she has the opportunity to do the things she wanted to do.

It's funny - I'm a therapist, and I know all about denial, yet of course when I'm the one going through something, I'm just as inexperienced and confused as anyone else would be. I take a similar approach with my own patients, especially those who have been through a traumatic experience - I let them take the lead. However they are feeling on a particular day, that is what we go with. It works well for them, and I think it should work well with my mom. But to get to this conclusion, it has really helped to talk to others and do research.

Fay, I also wanted to comment on what you said about memories. Last Christmas my mom was going through her first round of chemo. Christmas has never been a particularly great time in our family (past memories of lots of arguing relatives! , but I have to say it was the best Christmas we ever had, because we didn't take it for granted or get annoyed by it like we had in the past. And some of my happiest memories have been seeing my son snuggle with my mom when she was feeling tired from the chemo, and he would tell her funny stories to make her laugh. Cancer is a really terrible thing, but I can't say that it has been all bad. Sure, I have had a lot of anger and upset feelings about "why my mom?" but if anything, it has made us appreciate every day. I appreciate I can still pick up the phone and call her. Little things like that.

If anyone else has advice for how they have handled denial in a loved one, or any feedback on my plan, I would appreciate it. At the end of the day, I really love my mom and I just want her to be as happy and as comfortable as possible.

here4lfe said:

You might not want to think in clinical terms
Just follow her lead. She is the one who has to marshall whatever inner strength and coping mechanisms to handle the diagnosis, therapy, side effects, and the emotions of those around her. Go out and have some fun. She's still here. My wife and I would go out to eat after each doctor's appt just to unwind and be around people. She always said she drew strength from the energy of others. I knew her diagnosis was terminal, and she didn't ask too many questions, which I think allowed her to live her life as normal as possible. She didn't want a pity party.
Best

Thank You
Thank you for sharing about your wife. You described my own mom perfectly - in our family, we don't like pity. I think part of what has been so hard for me is her wish at initial diagnosis for no one to know (she was more open about it once it was decided that she would have to have chemo, because there are obvious physical changes that accompany it), and now that it has recurred, she doesn't want anyone to know either. It's hard to hold things in when the closest person in my life is going through this, but again, she doesn't want to be treated like, as she puts it, "a cancer patient." I think it's because she is, like anyone else, made up of so many different wonderful qualities, yet when people know a person's diagnosis, they tend to focus only on that. She doesn't want cancer to define who she is.

The best "medicine" for her is being around my son and our dog. It's impossible not to laugh when the two of them are playing and acting silly. As you noted in your post, there is a lot of strength to be drawn from little, everyday things like that.

Thank you for your advice. I actually feel so much better, just making the decision to do whatever she needs at any given moment. It was the indecisiveness that caused all the worry. All the best to you as well.