Craig

Sundanceh said:

Yes I Did, Dear Lady:)
And I must say that it was powerfully moving this morning...especially the part about me beating the odds, despite the lack of role models for the most part.

You really touched me today and I've spilled tears all over the place at work, it's embarassing, but I just can't help it...

I feel there is something going on....

Thank you for that post and for all of your support - you've been so great!

So, yes to sending him Part II and the open letter to Dr. Stanley and son...this ought to be good...perhaps, I'll hear from them.

I can't wait to hear back from you!

-c

BTW: You tickled my heart today by seeing a lift in your step with that part of the post...I could feel some excitement with you and it is so wonderful...I wish only good things for someone like you...

ron50 said:

G'day Craig
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but It sure as hell erodes your soul. I sometimes wonder if the prize for living life to the fullest goes to the one who can fit the most crap into one lifetime and still be sane. Not sure I qualify there. One thing I do know is that if you look around you there is not too many at your side. I guess that suits me now I really don't feel the need to inflict myself on anyone. Life can be very lonely and I don't personally know any diseases quite as lonely as cancer. I've been on this board now for eleven years. I can't say that I have that many friends here but I have the memory of many many friends here. At times like the present when we have lost so many the feeling of loss is at its worst. I wish I could sit under that tree with you today and suck on a few beers ,forget ca ,forget the world and just rejoice in the fact that we've been bucking the odds for over twenty years between us. Cheers ron.

Jaylo969 said:

@Ron
Yes Ron, ditto to what Marie said. Holler, send an email, a private message, a carrier pigeon whatever but please do reach out.(I have already told Craig this too.)

I am trying to get the facilitator at the physical ACS support group I attend to get a speaker in there to talk about the mental & emotional aspects of this disease, especially long term effects.I have been reading a lot lately and my own gut feeling has become an accepted fact....many of us suffer PTSD to some degree or the other.

Best wishes to you,
-Pat

Sundanceh said:

Janie!!!
I took a break to sit down and rest...couldn't help myself, I turned on the good doctor's message from last week.

It was about building truth back in our lives...

OMGoodness!

The first thing he said was, "Where is truth in your life?"

I started to cry, because you know where truth ranks with me - anybody within earshot knows how I value that virtue above all others...and have bled my truth all over these walls...

This just can't be all coincidence or circumstance, can it?

I'll have to watch this when I can see it all...it looks like one powerful message.

I'm inching a bit closer to you all the time:)

Big hug to my J:)

Love/Craig

Sundanceh said:

PART I
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your humanness and compassion towards me – I truly appreciate that. As most of you have figured out, I generally don’t have any problem with reaching out to others to try and help them…but in my time of need, I find that I can’t pull the trigger and ask for what I need.

Try as I might…I just can’t seem to do it…

It’s a character flaw of mine and ends up usually requiring one or more honey pies forming a posse to beat the bushes and round me up and head me back to the corral.



If anything, I’ve been blessed with that part of my life to have a few that look out for me when I wander astray…in many ways, I do wonder what would happen to me if someone chose to do nothing.

I wanted to point out that I understand that this board is for the sick – and when one gets well, or is perceived well, we write them off and move on to the next one – content in the fact that they will be ok, until cancer revisits them.

But, are we really OK?

Life After Cancer is still very difficult on many levels – even when the bullets have stopped whizzing past your head…I want to talk about this at a later time…

Physically, I am well as I know, the last scan showed no indications of any cancerous activity. I’ve had some nagging issues again with vertigo returning to my life and knocking the pegs right out from under me, literally.

The last 3 episodes have been some kind of wild ride…I even woke up with it one night about 4:30am (The Witching Hour) and when I opened my eyes, I just knew it wasn’t right…I was physically sick for the next 3-4 hours, utilizing every orifice known to man, along with profuse sweating, extreme nausea and so dizzy it hurt to open your eyes.

Those spells are horrendous – and to be perfectly honest, they scare me worse than cancer, because they can leave you completely debilitated and helpless in just a single blink of an eyelash – or a single heartbeat. You don’t know how you are going to get to the bathroom, much less home from work – or how scary it can get when it attacks you and you are behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

These spells lead to depression, because of their uncertainty and their propensity to attack out of nowhere, leaving you crippled and vulnerable, until the spells subside…often times 8-12 hours after they attacked…and even when they are over, they leave you so physically drained, that it takes a full day to re-engage….makes sense with your head spinning and you tossing your guts…dehydration and electrolyte levels and all of that need to be replenished.

Of course, that’s only part of it…with me, there’s always more, isn’t there?

Let’s move on to the Emotional Sickness I’ve been experiencing…2nd Verse – Same as the First…but there have been new additions as well…

I’m in to my 10th straight month of living my dad’s life now…for those of that you that have been riding along with me when all of this started at the beginning of this year, you know some of the unbelievable stuff that my wife and I have been going through.

But, Dad is the gift that keeps on giving – the whole year ‘round:(

It wasn’t enough that we had to wrestle his estate out of predators and almost the state of Texas itself….no that would be too easy…

The hoarder house clean-up has been sheer Kryptonite to me…which is funny, because I caught a few minutes of Superman the other day…right at the exact scene, where Lex Luthur opens a box that contains Kryptonite in it…and immediately The Man of Steel began to wither from its effects.

And that’s exactly what is happening to me…

Dad’s passing has forced me to not only handle all of the legal and financial obligations that are required…but it has gone much deeper…down to an unimaginable depth that threatens to cut my very soul in half.

It might be a little easier and more bearable if the word Love were involved…but it’s not, because there is no feeling…I never even shed the tears of What Could Have Been – And What Should Have Been.

With all we’ve got going – and all that is yet to do…there’s never gonna’ be any tears shed either. With every hoarder object I sort through, Bitterness, Anger and Resentment take up residence inside my soul that threaten to unhinge the very fabric of my being – that which I’ve tried to become and be, so that I would not emotionally wither and die on the vine.

I’ve been forced to finally confront those demons head-on and it has been more than I can bear at times…a constant reminder of the tyranny and oppression I’m trying so desperately to try and free myself from after five decades of torment.

As I sit here, I have spent every vacation day that I have on him handling his $hit – most weekends or a part of them included – all year long…and still so many miles to go before I can rest…it just makes you want to give in and quit…no mas.

He’s laughing at me right now – mocking me from the grave!

He told me, “I’ll Make You Work for It.”

Real nice, dad…too bad I couldn’t grow up to be just like you…

After 34 years, I saw my half-brother for only the 2nd time in my life when Dad was in the final days of hospice care.

He told me that my other half-brother was dead – had died from a heart attack several years ago. They were dad’s sons from his first marriage. Apparently, my ½ tells me that dad grew angry when the other ½ was a toddler (1.5 yrs) and was crying, so he slammed him up against a wall and damages his hip.

He apparently roughed the first wife up on occasion….I know that anger as I was the lucky recipient one evening when I feared I would be beaten to death as a young boy.

And his neighbors have come forth telling me stories that just sadden me…he was not really a good neighbor either…lied to them and did everything he could to get out of any situation.

We found a letter from a neighbor (many moons back) asking if dad would cut back some trees and bushes as they were bleeding over into that neighbor’s yard….dad told her that his ex-wife “owned” that piece of property and that she had to ask her…

Know what’s ironic? We were cleaning out some of the garage the other day and this woman drove up to the house and stopped…turned out to be the neighbor that wrote that note…know what she asked me? If she could cut down part of the tree that was still in her yard.

Wanna’ hear another one?

How about the time I was in the hospital with my very first surgery…my mom had called my room and somehow someone handed the phone to my dad…guess what happened?

He told my mom, “I don’t know you.”

Yeah, he actually tried to pretend that it wasn’t him and that he did not know who was on the other end of the line…instead of saying, yes our son made it through surgery and is doing well.

What a guy!

But, it gets even better…this is the same man that told me that I was not “Worthy” to carry his last name…unbelievable! He told me to change my name to my mother’s name, because for him that was an insult and he associated that name with weakness.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been tempted to change my name. But you know what has stopped me?

It’s because I’m bound and determined to make the name Craig Harrison stand for something – and not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I’m fallible and all f’d up as a result of all the carnage I’ve endured, but at least there’s no mistaking who I am or what I stand for and what I hope to still become.

So, going through all of this stuff has been very hard on me…I’m too close to it…for all the obvious reasons - so many bad memories contained within those walls.

This reminds me of the time I visited Alcatraz on one of the few trips I’ve ever gotten to take…I can’t remember the guy’s name, but he was a prisoner of Alcatraz at one point – and this particular day, he was over on Alcatraz Island signing autographs for his book and talking about his experiences.

I boldly stepped up and asked him, “How can you come back here with the memories that you have?”

He told me something along the lines, that he was telling his story of how things were there at that time and that it was important to remember those times and not forget.

That’s sort of how I feel right now…I’m returning to the scene of the crime…I made a prison break mentally all those years ago…but as always in this Life – you can run – but you can never hide – not for long anyway.

The bill always comes due…

And now I’m payin’ for all of my father’s sins that he passed down to his son…and the quicker that I can get this house done and on the market, the quicker I can begin the healing process and bury all of the atrocities I’ve suffered along the way.

Dad wrecked a lot of lives – and he destroyed the lives of those that were supposed to be the closest to him…as the Captain said in the movie “Cool Hand Luke” circa 1967…

“That’s the way he wants it – well, he gets it…”

Now, I’ve just got to find mine…rest of the year cleaning up his house, it’s been unbelievable…25 bags of trash every week….over 200 so far, have lost count. I’ve got 9 cases of aerosols, solvents, and other chemicals that we’re gonna’ take to the hazardous plant that accepts those things.

Most of you know that my so-called family (except for Uncle Doug and my sister, Suzanne) have been nothing but a “Four-Letter” word to me all my life.

And true to form, they have yet to disappoint…

Here’s the latest from that loving family of mine…

When I did the Dr. Phil video, I told you, a couple of my remote friends and a few of the ‘family’ members about it.

Of course, nobody ever said one word about it…until…

My other uncle emails me back and says something like “ok, good.” But, he didn’t stop there, huh-uh…yep; they’re great support alright – whether it’s cancer or your dreams…

He goes on to tell me that God will not grant me my book project…because I have not reconciled with my mother.

I don’t have time in this post to tell you about her…except to say that if my dad was bad, then my mom is the worst…she literally sucks the life blood out of me and I had to walk away 6-years ago after a nasty exchange from her on how I was never there for her…it’s deeper than that, but that conversation broke this camel’s back.

Never there from helping her clean up her house for sale when her other husband died – and me with full blown cancer at that time….or the other time where dad’s current ex was substituting herself as Suzanne’s mom and was set to stand in for my mom at the execution of my sister’s killer…

The Lion slapped that down and that smug look off her face – and I got the district atty to make sure my mom (the real mother) was there to witness the execution…and I arranged to have the original news reporter there to cover the story.

But, I was never there…

Anybody ever watch “Everybody Loves Raymond?”…remember his mom?

There you go… bingo!

Anyway, my mom is poison – her venom rots the inside of your soul and her nastiness and spitefulness will destroy any good in you and turn you to the dark side…just like my dad, she takes delight in your misfortune. If she can’t have it, then she doesn’t want you to have it either….

I had to save myself…

The only good thing that came out that union was Suzanne…my precious sister…gone when I should have her here – I yearn for her…

If indeed there is a Heaven beyond this earthly world, I’m hoping for a temporary visitation pass, so that I can look back into those beautiful, hazel eyes that mirror mine and hold her in my arms one more time and tell her how she was the truest, purest thing in my life…and that I love her…

…and to also tell her I’m sorry I wasn’t a better brother, because I didn’t know how to be one and that I’m so sorry for how everything went down, because of our parent’s ignorance and arrogance…and then God can send me packin’…

You know, it’s strange…I can stare down cancer 3x, maybe even more…I can stare your cancer down too…but the emotional sickness I’m finally having to face has proven to be a more worthy adversary for me.

It’s amazing how strong we can be in some areas – and failing and faltering in others…

The key is always to know where those strengths and weaknesses reside…

Anyway, I’m a little upset obviously…and my uncle recently threw down that gauntlet at me…used my email of watch the video – to God is holding your dream hostage until you can reconcile.

Know what I told my uncle?

I said He doesn’t bargain and make deals…plus if His will is not for me to help others….then so be it…I’m finished….I’m gonna’ stop trying… not just the book, but all of it, life itself…what’s the point I told him.

This game of life is rigged for me…the fix is in…I’ve just been too stupid to get it…until recently.

He said we love you can care about your health…and I said, well, if that were the truth, then you wouldn’t be asking me to walk back into that snake pit, because you know it’s not healthy for me…and would kill me.

The night I wrote my mom out of my life, I was hyperventilating so bad, I thought I was going to have a stroke, I could see my heart heaving out of my chest…I was so angry, I ripped the phone out of the wall and I don’t know what else.

My mom is mental and won’t seek help…she can change personalities by literally walking from one room to the next…sad and pathetic, but I had to move on.

I know what they are trying to do…they want me to re-introduce me, so that they can all walk away now and be guilt free that I’m gonna’ clean up yet another nasty mess…mom has a hoarder place too…and you can’t work with her, because you can’t reason with her…she lives in her own world…which last I looked was about 1956 when Elvis was still the King…she don’t hang out in the real world…very frustrating.

So, for those that know me and all I’ve been through since you’ve known me…I’m gonna’ mop up dad’s $****…and then race right on over to mom’s…when Hell freezes over and not even then.

All I want is the opportunity to help people with or without cancer – through my experiences and my story…to show that the human condition is a hard one, even on a good day, but that we are equal and united in our common struggles that this life presents us.

And if His plan is not for me to do that…then so be it…I’ll move on… I also went on to say that if what I said ends this vapid, vacant relationship that we’ve had for 51-years, then so be it, as well.

A lot of my feelings have been further amplified by the environments in which I spend my time in...one of the hot spots is where I work. I’m isolated in a test lab all day – every day…

There are a couple of goons in there with me…one of ‘em I hired many years ago, when I managed this department – before cancer took that job away…he’s a hateful individual towards me and has a vendetta…he’s tried to get me fired before, but much like cancer, he never seems to win…the other guy is just plain weird.

For whatever reason, they won’t speak a word to me and have not these past 10-months…so I’m spending 45-50 hours a week up here in total silence…that’s a couple hundred every month…and over 2,000 hours so far, year-to-date.

They’ve seen me with vertigo – seen me fall – seen me have a hard time working…and they never break stride…they’ll walk right over you…they won’t call for help…they just keep their glued to the pc like what they are working on is rocket science or something.

They simply pretend they don’t see you…

I’m good at handling isolation and loneliness….but it’s a long day – a long month – and an even longer year…it rings a little hollow…I run into someone for a second or two in the elevator or passing in the hall when I do get out….but mostly, it’s a lonely day and as the days add up…they wear on you…and wear you down…

And then all of the deaths and the bad news finally caught up with me – to the point where I just couldn’t stand it anymore…it’s crazy really…3 years ago up here on the board, I was talking actively with as many as 100-120 people at a time….it was a glorious, magical time in my life.

Now, those numbers have dwindled substantially with death and attrition….and I guess my own problems have just compounded the matter to where I tried to reach, but found on some days, that my own tank was empty and there was nothing left for me to give anyone – or at least, it felt that way.

Jennie’s death hit me pretty good…she knew me the best, because of the physical time that we spent together with her and her family…so it touched a deep root…one night I was laying in bed and all I could think about was the first time that Jenny came to town.

Eric38 had already met a couple of times….I met him when he was in the hospital…and he came all the way to see me at UTSW when I was doing the da Vinci robot surgery…I had opened up a post before surgery where I had added the song “You’ve Got a Friend” by James Taylor into my expressions page….because I wanted everyone to know that with me, those words rang true.

When Eric walked in, he had a tape player playing that very song with a big smile on his face and that bald head of his:) Inside a sack, he pulled out one of those big battery operated robots and handed it to me:)

The community, unbeknownst to me had taken up a collection and Eric must have bought this on Ebay or something…

He was so sick…but he had time for me…thinking about somebody else’s cancer besides his own…those are the good kind of folks that we’ve lost here…

But, that’s the way it was then…we even had prayer posts…and nobody freaked out. I found those after I got out of the hospital…Chicky and some other folks had posts opened and everyone set their watches to say a prayer for me…when I read them back, I could still feel the chills and the connections going on then, must have nearly burned the internet wires to a cinder.

Yeah, I’ve seen what this board is capable of and what it represents to so many of us…

Anyway, it was my first time seeing Jenny in person…and so I recalled this image of us all together, sitting around the table, having a light meal and several glasses….of H2O. I remember the camaraderie, I remember the faces…but mostly, I remember them and that moment in time that remains forever etched into my soul.

When Jenny and I went to see Eric38 for what we knew would be the last time, I can tell you it was extremely difficult to witness that. Jenny couldn’t take for awhile, so I was rambling on about anything…and I finally said, “Jenny, you can jump in here anytime…”

And he would pass a week later…from brain mets…to this day, I firmly believe that he “held on” that extra week, so that he could see Jenny one more time. I’ll never see it any other way, ‘cause I know that’s the truth of the matter.

So, then Jenny passing a week before I would see her again….and passing from brain mets…after the many years we both talked about it privately…well, it just hurt me bad…’cause all I could see was us sitting around the table that evening…

And my mind flashed back to the time we spent last year in Chicago…she bought me a Wrigley Field t-shirt, because I was unable to take the stadium tour…she was so thoughtful and good to me…she cared more than I ever imagined…

And I’ve been worried about plenty of others here too, like Steved and Rick, Cyn’s husband…I’ve meshed with her for many months and have become very close to her…we started getting to know one another after AnneCan passed away….she and I used to talk quite abit and shared deeply as well.

And then I went over to another board to check on a couple of friends there…and found out that Joanne (JDuke) had passed away…that one hurt too. She came to the rectal board when she first started and I was privileged to be the first or one of the first to greet her at the door.

As I got to know her, she told that my writings and stuff with cancer had inspired her to take on her endeavor – and she worked with CSN to create the Anal Cancer board…she stopped talking to me after awhile and I suspected something was wrong…and then reading those words….

Just Click – Click – Click….like the tumblers spinning on a lock…you just get to a point where you have to back up…the pain, sorrow and suffering on this earth is too much.

The last thing that sent me over the edge, was I found out last week that my credit rating had taken such a hit from all of those bills in 2009 that had gone to the collection agency…I spoke of this in my “Road to Ruin” post, when Angel sent me the money for the scan that would reveal the last cancer fight I came out of.

Anyway, there were about 8-9 bills and they all went to collections and a lifetime of hard work at maintaining a good credit record were now gone – and gone from cancer…another nice, fringe benefit of this disease. I’m slipping on a couple of new ones going over 30, but have paid most of the new ones from that time…but the specter of the old bills continue to haunt me and hurt me…and apparently will for some time.

I guess the point is that everywhere I look – no matter how hard I work – no matter how much money I can save and use to try and pick up the pieces in our lives….I find that it’s never enough…I find that I’m not enough…and with my mental reserves already on empty…it does not take much sometimes to get the boat listing to the other side…

We’re always searching for something in this life – whether it’s apricot seeds, or what our role and place is here on this earth and in another person’s life…we are The Searchers…

If all of that wasn’t enough…- and don't you think it ought to be - stay tuned for Part II a little bit later this afternoon.

-Craig