curious about relationship issues

klc2284
klc2284 Member Posts: 4
in Caregivers #1
I am a caregiver to my live-in boyfriend of 6.5 years who is currently undergoing his second round of chemo for testicular cancer.

This is my first time posting. I am just in need to talk to someone who has gone through this.

A few weeks after my boyfriend was diagnosed, he began pushing away from me...I know this is normal for both him and other cancer patients. However, he began sharing more with a female peer who he previously had very limited contact with. We do not live close to where he attends chemo, but I was able to go with him for his first round. But, he shared he wanted to see if he could "do the second on his own." Then, recently, he shared that he no longer wants me around and no longer loves me.

My family continues to tell me it is "the cancer talking." I am not sure how that can be, although it's true that he has not been acting like himself since the diagnosis.

My question is: Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you manage to hold on to both yourself and your relationship? I feel as though my world is out of control and is changing so fast because my best friend is so sick and he seems to not want me to be there through all this.

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    tough situation
    klc, it looks like your boyfriend is making a decision and as hard as that might be to take, what you've got to do right now is focus on yourself.

    This is the time for you to do some evaluation of the relationship from your perspective.

    Others who have been through something similar may chime in but if their significant other successfully pushed them away, they may not be reading or posting here.

    Think about finding a counselor or someone unbiased to talk to - and that's not your family. Take cancer out of the picture: maybe this change was coming, anyway.

    Go for a vacation. Take time to breathe.

    Everything does not have to be settled right now.

    Come back and let us know how you are doing.

    Hugs.
  • cawolski
    cawolski Member Posts: 3
    #3
    I am going through almost
    I am going through almost the same situation. My boyfriend (LP) has lung cancer. I try to put myself in his shoes. The anger they feel all the time, in the back of their mind always knowing they have cancer. Many times over the last 6 months, some of the words spewing out of his mouth, it was like the devil talking. So mean, so hurtful, like who the hell is this person talking to me? It takes time, but you have to realize they seem to lash out at the ones who mean the most. I guess because we will forgive? LP has even left a few times, saying the same things, "I don't love you" kind of stuff. There is no answer, but I have learned to be patient. I still take this stuff personally, but I take a deep breath, and tell him I love him and will always be here, no matter how bad it gets. There's nothing else you can do.

    At this point I need to take care of me, as best I can, and you need to do the same. I think websites like that are helpful, just knowing that you are not alone. I truly feel for you and I hope his behavior is temporary. Take care and stay strong! (I know it's hard!)
  • Barbara B
    Barbara B Member Posts: 40
    #4
    cawolski said:

    I am going through almost
    I am going through almost the same situation. My boyfriend (LP) has lung cancer. I try to put myself in his shoes. The anger they feel all the time, in the back of their mind always knowing they have cancer. Many times over the last 6 months, some of the words spewing out of his mouth, it was like the devil talking. So mean, so hurtful, like who the hell is this person talking to me? It takes time, but you have to realize they seem to lash out at the ones who mean the most. I guess because we will forgive? LP has even left a few times, saying the same things, "I don't love you" kind of stuff. There is no answer, but I have learned to be patient. I still take this stuff personally, but I take a deep breath, and tell him I love him and will always be here, no matter how bad it gets. There's nothing else you can do.

    At this point I need to take care of me, as best I can, and you need to do the same. I think websites like that are helpful, just knowing that you are not alone. I truly feel for you and I hope his behavior is temporary. Take care and stay strong! (I know it's hard!)

    Heart breaking
    As much as I am grateful for this site, there are posts like these that simply break my heart. Cancer can simply tear you apart if you allow it to.

    My husband was diagnosed last year with BOT (base of tongue) which spread to his lymph node. We went through some initial emotional push and pull. He would say, "Why would you want to stay with me?" or "This isn't fair to either of us"

    I spoke to a lot of people during treatment and the stories were similar. The best advice I got and pass along to anyone is to be angry at the cancer not at each other. This diagnosis is life altering for EVERYONE. Not just the patient but for you too.

    If possible, try to stay calm, loving and forgiving. I used to think, if the situation was reversed what would I want him to do. Of course I said I wouldn't be a jerk and treat him like he was treating me but that probably wasn't fair =)

    Try getting away from the situation for a day. Get a pedicure, treat yourself to a massage. Relax and know there are peole out here praying for you.

    Barbara
  • klc2284
    klc2284 Member Posts: 4
    #5
    Barbara B said:

    Heart breaking
    As much as I am grateful for this site, there are posts like these that simply break my heart. Cancer can simply tear you apart if you allow it to.

    My husband was diagnosed last year with BOT (base of tongue) which spread to his lymph node. We went through some initial emotional push and pull. He would say, "Why would you want to stay with me?" or "This isn't fair to either of us"

    I spoke to a lot of people during treatment and the stories were similar. The best advice I got and pass along to anyone is to be angry at the cancer not at each other. This diagnosis is life altering for EVERYONE. Not just the patient but for you too.

    If possible, try to stay calm, loving and forgiving. I used to think, if the situation was reversed what would I want him to do. Of course I said I wouldn't be a jerk and treat him like he was treating me but that probably wasn't fair =)

    Try getting away from the situation for a day. Get a pedicure, treat yourself to a massage. Relax and know there are peole out here praying for you.

    Barbara

    thank you
    Thank you for all of you being so open and honest with me.

    I am continuing to try and take time for myself and am actually going on a week long vacation tomorrow. I hope the time away can clear my head and help me refocus on what I need to do for me.

    I keep trying to remind myself that he is being pumped full of chemicals, including steroids which add even more to the emotional roller coaster. I myself am a counselor and completely believe in talking things out. It gets difficult where I live however because we live in a small country in which I am one counselor and the only other counselor is my boss...so I have found these discussion boards more than helpful in helping me feel less lonely. I am trying to hope for the best.

    Thank you for your prayers. I continue to add each person I meet here in mine.
  • klc2284
    klc2284 Member Posts: 4
    #6
    Barbara B said:

    Heart breaking
    As much as I am grateful for this site, there are posts like these that simply break my heart. Cancer can simply tear you apart if you allow it to.

    My husband was diagnosed last year with BOT (base of tongue) which spread to his lymph node. We went through some initial emotional push and pull. He would say, "Why would you want to stay with me?" or "This isn't fair to either of us"

    I spoke to a lot of people during treatment and the stories were similar. The best advice I got and pass along to anyone is to be angry at the cancer not at each other. This diagnosis is life altering for EVERYONE. Not just the patient but for you too.

    If possible, try to stay calm, loving and forgiving. I used to think, if the situation was reversed what would I want him to do. Of course I said I wouldn't be a jerk and treat him like he was treating me but that probably wasn't fair =)

    Try getting away from the situation for a day. Get a pedicure, treat yourself to a massage. Relax and know there are peole out here praying for you.

    Barbara

    thank you
    Thank you for all of you being so open and honest with me.

    I am continuing to try and take time for myself and am actually going on a week long vacation tomorrow. I hope the time away can clear my head and help me refocus on what I need to do for me.

    I keep trying to remind myself that he is being pumped full of chemicals, including steroids which add even more to the emotional roller coaster. I myself am a counselor and completely believe in talking things out. It gets difficult where I live however because we live in a small country in which I am one counselor and the only other counselor is my boss...so I have found these discussion boards more than helpful in helping me feel less lonely. I am trying to hope for the best.

    Thank you for your prayers. I continue to add each person I meet here in mine.

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