Coping

Same Feelings
I too started grieving immediately. As soon as I found out my husband had EC, I looked it up on the internet and categorized the cancer to what I read. I can't talk about the future with him.

We have a 4 year old son and all I can think of is his future and the possibility that his dad won't be here. BUT.....he is here today and he is still a husband and a father. I try, some days more successfully than others, to focus on today.
Hi Claire,

I try to remember that life is uncertain and none of knows what the future holds.

I did get some counseling. I do need sleeping pills. 2 things that have helped me are:
1. A rubber band - when I seem to be focusing on the overwhelming and fretting over the unknown, I snap it against my wrist. This reminds me to stop take a breath and focus on what I can do...instead of what I cannot do.

2. As you know, it is MUCH easier said than done to focus on NOW and not what if or when.
I have a "Worry Book" - because I feel most of my worries are normal and valid. If I write them down, they are there and I don't need to keep dwelling on them because I have logged them.

Finally, these people on this site do give me hope. I recognize the courage they have to go on on live there life and that is encouraging. There is sadness here too and some days that is more than I can take....so again...a day at a time.

Positive thinking your way!!

Claire, I am not the
Claire, I am not the caregiver but the survivor. When cancer is diagnosed it effects the whole family. Every single one reacts differently.
My husband and daughter were my caregivers. My husband didn't show his feelings,but my daughter did a little. My oncologists had a psycologist that was available to all. I never felt the need for her, but my daughter did. It was after my surgery and she felt she was at wits end, so she called and received help in coping. Sometimes I think the loved ones suffer more emotionally than the survivor.
If you need help by counselling or an anti depressant ,don't be ashamed to admit it. What you and the family are going through right now is hard, and you need help in bringing the joy back. I am so glad your dad is operable, but knowing that,is not enough to put your mine at ease. I beleive I can speak for others as well as myself, when we are touched in any way by cancer ,it becomes a part of us. Even though It's been almost five years since diagnoses and I'm NED, it is still a part of me, but it's not who I am.
I thank God for the time he's given me,to educate others on the danger of acid reflux and allowing me the opportunity, through sites like this to be an encourager.
I know it's hard today, but tomorrow will be better. Reach out for the help you need now. Think of yourself, and it will make you a stonger, happier person.

Hugs and prayers, Sandra

sandy1943 said:

Claire, I am not the
Claire, I am not the caregiver but the survivor. When cancer is diagnosed it effects the whole family. Every single one reacts differently.
My husband and daughter were my caregivers. My husband didn't show his feelings,but my daughter did a little. My oncologists had a psycologist that was available to all. I never felt the need for her, but my daughter did. It was after my surgery and she felt she was at wits end, so she called and received help in coping. Sometimes I think the loved ones suffer more emotionally than the survivor.
If you need help by counselling or an anti depressant ,don't be ashamed to admit it. What you and the family are going through right now is hard, and you need help in bringing the joy back. I am so glad your dad is operable, but knowing that,is not enough to put your mine at ease. I beleive I can speak for others as well as myself, when we are touched in any way by cancer ,it becomes a part of us. Even though It's been almost five years since diagnoses and I'm NED, it is still a part of me, but it's not who I am.
I thank God for the time he's given me,to educate others on the danger of acid reflux and allowing me the opportunity, through sites like this to be an encourager.
I know it's hard today, but tomorrow will be better. Reach out for the help you need now. Think of yourself, and it will make you a stonger, happier person.

Hugs and prayers, Sandra

Hi Claire ~
I think that all the thoughts and feelings you are having now are appropriate. You've been dealt a crummy hand, to say the least, but what can any of us do but play the hand we're dealt, to use a cliche. But it's true.

You're dealing with your dad's EC, others have a spouse, sibling, or mom who was diagnosed with the disease. I think given the relationship with the patient, it can be a little different for all of us, but in many ways the sorrow, grief and sheer terror are the same.

My Dave is just 58, and we should be in the prime of our lives, and indeed had been until June of this year. We've been together 6 and a half years, having found each other after long, unhappy marriages. Life was good. A few bumps in the road, but who doesn't experience that? I just never thought that he would come down with a cancer that is so wily, so underfunded and not well understood by the medical community at large. We are so fortunate in that we are a stones throw from the esteemed Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, but so many people are not so lucky.

What I am having trouble with in coping is the worry. Worry that it will come back after surgery, worry that Dave really has no idea how rough the recovery might be, worry that our lives could forever change.

We just got back from a really nice getaway to the beach today. We spent 5 days at the ocean. I was pleasantly surprised as to how well Dave did. I found him getting stronger each day we were there. And he could eat! He had lobster tail one night, fried oysters another, pasta a third, and a chicken casserole another night. He was so happy to just be normal and eat. That's what makes me sad, we'll have another 3 good weeks, and then surgery on the 8th.

Without getting too personal, I've also found that our very ahem, active, sex life took a deep hit once treatment started. That was really hard for both of us. I'm happy to say we rekindled that flame, and plan to take advantage of that til surgery is upon us. Intimacy is so important in a relationship, and when stressed it can become even more important.

As far as seeing a therapist or taking meds, given that you are a busy wife and mother, not to mention daughter, I whole heartedly recommend that you talk to someone. I've been seeing a therapist off and on for the past several years (unrelated to EC) and find having someone trained to bounce things off really helps. I also take lorazapam (an anti-anxiety drug, just .5mg) to help take the edge off and help me sleep. I don't use it everyday, but just knowing that it's there has really helped me.

Sorry for the lengthy response, but know that what you are feeling and experiencing is normal and to reach out for help if you need it.

Hang in there!

Sandy

don't spend too much time here
see below

goty2001 said:

don't spend too much time here
I'm speaking as a stage 4 who dips in here once or twice a week. Great people here, great advice etc etc, but don't get into a rut of spending hours here or in any medium dealing with cancer every day - don't define yourself (or your dad) solely by the disease if at all possible. It's a thief that may rob years off the future ... don't let it take now too - there's a lot of life to be lived away from here now.

Hmmm...
Well, I don't know about that. I was here daily to ask questions, and to cope with the day-to-day issues that crept up seemingly every day. I spent a lot of time here reading, and asking questions.