Wishing he didn't hurt so much

I am a caretaker, not a caregiver, something like that
Hi VivianLee5689,

Hugging, peck on the cheek and snuggling doesn’t sound harmful to me, matter-of-fact they sound pretty good (now, today, not during treatments). Ask him if it hurts; ask him what he wants to do and what he feels comfortable with. This is the time to start being straight with each other. The kind of intimacy cancer brings is truly the bare facts about being human and how we react to physical and mental pressures. Don’t get mad and take his reactions personal, he is already feeling guilty (even though he should not).

While I love my wife very much and was guided through this morass by her, there were times when I just wasn’t up to being close. This even went for my Mom and Dad. I was glad everyone cared so much, but I just felt miserable.

I had lower tongue surgery along with lateral neck dissection prior to rads and chemo and to be honest I couldn’t even tell my tongue had been worked on (not any pain), my neck a little more so.

So, be patient, be honest, sometimes like Phrannie said just hold his hand. Who knows, maybe, give him a hug, a peck on the cheek or snuggle.

Best,

Matt

CivilMatt said:

I am a caretaker, not a caregiver, something like that
Hi VivianLee5689,

Hugging, peck on the cheek and snuggling doesn’t sound harmful to me, matter-of-fact they sound pretty good (now, today, not during treatments). Ask him if it hurts; ask him what he wants to do and what he feels comfortable with. This is the time to start being straight with each other. The kind of intimacy cancer brings is truly the bare facts about being human and how we react to physical and mental pressures. Don’t get mad and take his reactions personal, he is already feeling guilty (even though he should not).

While I love my wife very much and was guided through this morass by her, there were times when I just wasn’t up to being close. This even went for my Mom and Dad. I was glad everyone cared so much, but I just felt miserable.

I had lower tongue surgery along with lateral neck dissection prior to rads and chemo and to be honest I couldn’t even tell my tongue had been worked on (not any pain), my neck a little more so.

So, be patient, be honest, sometimes like Phrannie said just hold his hand. Who knows, maybe, give him a hug, a peck on the cheek or snuggle.

Best,

Matt

You don't realize
You don't realize it but this is a time that will bring you closer to your husband than most people get in a lifetime. Find your own gesture or way of compensating, my husband kissed his fingers and touched my forehead or kissed the top of my head as his way of showing affection. Find a short term solution that works for both of you.
Your husband may have times when he could feel miserable, angry, or sad. If he says something insensitive, please don't take it personally and know when he apologizes that he means it. These are not the hopes and dreams that he had for your first year of marriage either, assure him it's just a delay and continue to talk about those dreams.

hwt said:

Yes it does suck
We all hate it...those feelings are normal. The loss of your husband's father just a few months ago has to make this even more difficult. Your anger at the situation is understandable, however, the sooner you can come to terms with it, the better off you will be.

Hi Vivian ...
My 2 cents is this...

If you are newly weds you are in bliss right now (so soon after the wedding) ...I have been married to my wife for 14 years when diagnosed this past October 2011 with stage III base of tongue ...that dx pretty much sucked the snuggling out of the room (if you will) bc with five kids (at least that proves we know how to snuggle a lot) and my treatments being 100 miles from home (I lived in an RV for the first few weeks by myself while going through treatments) it was all we could do just to stay organized.

So October to January radiation ( I had a rough reaction to Erbitux and radiation so mine took longer) ...then 6 weeks to even feel human again...then a stomach tube till June ... no snuggling.

BUT ..I will tell you this...I love my wife today more than I ever thought I could. I have neve seen such resolve and energy coming from her....I know there were many times I would feel half-dead and tell her a story of soemthing I remember her doing..and she would say to me "I did not even know you were paying attention" ....I told her "honey, I observed and watched everything you did and was amazed at how you handled taking care of me, the five kids, their school work, our home, the finances and driving back and forth 20 times in the winter (we live in Northern Idaho at 5,600 feet in elevation - trust me when I say you don't want to drive that road we have to drive in winter to Boise, 100 miles south)

I guess my point in all this is (maybe not now) but years from now you will realize just how imporant the above is "over" physical affection ..not that physical affection is not important ..but what you and your husband have now will draw you sooooo close ..it will surprise you ...and I know as the patient (which your husband now is) ..he will admire and be in awe of you for what you are about to endure and go through....

Hang in there (hope nothing I said sounded preachy or condesending)...did not mean it in a bad way ....

Most couples experience a rough time in life that will draw them close...some never do...you two will experience that sooner rather than later.

My wife has always been gorgeous to me, just beautiful (see my picture of her on my expression page) ...but she is more beautiful today than I could have ever imagined

Best,

Tim

Tim6003 said:

Hi Vivian ...
My 2 cents is this...

If you are newly weds you are in bliss right now (so soon after the wedding) ...I have been married to my wife for 14 years when diagnosed this past October 2011 with stage III base of tongue ...that dx pretty much sucked the snuggling out of the room (if you will) bc with five kids (at least that proves we know how to snuggle a lot) and my treatments being 100 miles from home (I lived in an RV for the first few weeks by myself while going through treatments) it was all we could do just to stay organized.

So October to January radiation ( I had a rough reaction to Erbitux and radiation so mine took longer) ...then 6 weeks to even feel human again...then a stomach tube till June ... no snuggling.

BUT ..I will tell you this...I love my wife today more than I ever thought I could. I have neve seen such resolve and energy coming from her....I know there were many times I would feel half-dead and tell her a story of soemthing I remember her doing..and she would say to me "I did not even know you were paying attention" ....I told her "honey, I observed and watched everything you did and was amazed at how you handled taking care of me, the five kids, their school work, our home, the finances and driving back and forth 20 times in the winter (we live in Northern Idaho at 5,600 feet in elevation - trust me when I say you don't want to drive that road we have to drive in winter to Boise, 100 miles south)

I guess my point in all this is (maybe not now) but years from now you will realize just how imporant the above is "over" physical affection ..not that physical affection is not important ..but what you and your husband have now will draw you sooooo close ..it will surprise you ...and I know as the patient (which your husband now is) ..he will admire and be in awe of you for what you are about to endure and go through....

Hang in there (hope nothing I said sounded preachy or condesending)...did not mean it in a bad way ....

Most couples experience a rough time in life that will draw them close...some never do...you two will experience that sooner rather than later.

My wife has always been gorgeous to me, just beautiful (see my picture of her on my expression page) ...but she is more beautiful today than I could have ever imagined

Best,

Tim

Great advice Tim...
Wow Tim! What great advice and caring words you've shared. I got teared up reading them. Thank you for sharing that all with us. Life is so precious..