I Miss My Friends
Comments
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Same thing happened to me
Same thing happened to me this winter ... people go onto their own lives but maybe you could call a couple of them and initiate still keeping in touch once a month or getting together for lunch, etc ... I realized that I had to reach out to those who helped me when I needed it and even made a meal for some of them and dropped it off at their doors ...after I felt better I just wanted to help others who were in need I am back working part time too which helps and also visit the home bound parishioners from my church you always have your friends from this board to come too we care and are here for you! SUE D0 -
I term it 'friend displacement'
Unfortunately, this has happened to quite a few of us here. It may be more common than anyone truly realizes. Sort of like one of those long term side effects with lasting damage.
There is another thread about 5 pages back that you might want to look over. The post was by Bar_B and is titled: "How do you survive when people you love decide to leave you because you have cancer?"
I think bluwillo sums it up succinctly: "Some people just hear "cancer" and think "uh oh, dead girl walkin'" (Very rude, I agree)"
You'll make many new friends here on this board and I know they'll never replace your actual friends. But, then again, obviously those friends just don't get it..and here we do get it. We really do.
We are here for you, anytime, day or night. No question too big or small. No wondering how silly it may sound to someone who doesn't have cancer.
I'm so sorry that this has happened too you.
(((Hugs)))0 -
That is a good term for it.Jennjendrey said:I term it 'friend displacement'
Unfortunately, this has happened to quite a few of us here. It may be more common than anyone truly realizes. Sort of like one of those long term side effects with lasting damage.
There is another thread about 5 pages back that you might want to look over. The post was by Bar_B and is titled: "How do you survive when people you love decide to leave you because you have cancer?"
I think bluwillo sums it up succinctly: "Some people just hear "cancer" and think "uh oh, dead girl walkin'" (Very rude, I agree)"
You'll make many new friends here on this board and I know they'll never replace your actual friends. But, then again, obviously those friends just don't get it..and here we do get it. We really do.
We are here for you, anytime, day or night. No question too big or small. No wondering how silly it may sound to someone who doesn't have cancer.
I'm so sorry that this has happened too you.
(((Hugs)))
I think this is normal. We want off the roller coaster ride and everything that goes with it, lucky for them, they don't have to stay on it. Sometimes it is hard when I have to do the treatments, appointments, etc. alone, but honestly, I wouldn't be there if I didn't have to. However, I do know that if I need anything, I can call and they will be here in a minute. I just have never been able to ask for help, and having cancer doesn't make it any easier.
I have been very fortunate that my boys and ex are always here for me. I know the other facet to this is it is hard for people who love me, to see me go through all the chemo and the ups and downs of this, and still get tumors. So they do what they can and I love them for it.
This is not a disease of one, it affects everyone who cares about me. Today I got to spend the whole day with one of my brothers and his wife. We both knew this could be it and would have talked all night, but his wife was falling asleep! He lives out of town but came here for a month to get out of the desert heat. It is hard for people to be around us when we are sick, and cancer is the ultimate disease!
I hope it gets better for you,
Carol0 -
We Are Here To Support Each Other
One can not sustain the level of frenzy that happens when a diagnose of breast cancer happens or a new recurrence. People are there, the family, the relatives, the friends, the co-workers all wanting to help. As time goes on, interest wanes.
I am beginning my 19th year in this journey with a slow growing, estrogen positive cancer. Some of the years, the ride was awful and I need and was given a lot of support. Some years, I was NED and even I at times would forget that I was dealing with this disease. I was taking my med and still visiting my oncologist but life was good. Today, I still have active cancer and it's doesn't require any outside reinforcements. I never tell anyone when I am going for a scan, what my oncologist has to say at my appointments. I keep going for treatments and dealing with it. Having been in the game so long, I deal with a lot of side effects from the treatments in addition to regular problems, like fatigue.
These boards are wonderful as they allow us to share this voyage with fellow travelers who do understand what this is all about. We are all not in the same place with this disease. We do comprehend were each individual is in this journey and it is we, that are there to give them the helping hand they need.
Best wishes to you,
Doris0 -
Friends.....SIROD said:We Are Here To Support Each Other
One can not sustain the level of frenzy that happens when a diagnose of breast cancer happens or a new recurrence. People are there, the family, the relatives, the friends, the co-workers all wanting to help. As time goes on, interest wanes.
I am beginning my 19th year in this journey with a slow growing, estrogen positive cancer. Some of the years, the ride was awful and I need and was given a lot of support. Some years, I was NED and even I at times would forget that I was dealing with this disease. I was taking my med and still visiting my oncologist but life was good. Today, I still have active cancer and it's doesn't require any outside reinforcements. I never tell anyone when I am going for a scan, what my oncologist has to say at my appointments. I keep going for treatments and dealing with it. Having been in the game so long, I deal with a lot of side effects from the treatments in addition to regular problems, like fatigue.
These boards are wonderful as they allow us to share this voyage with fellow travelers who do understand what this is all about. We are all not in the same place with this disease. We do comprehend were each individual is in this journey and it is we, that are there to give them the helping hand they need.
Best wishes to you,
Doris
My sister in law who is a 23 year bc survivor, told me 3 years ago when I started this journey...."You'll find out who your real friends are".....she hit the nail on the head! I think most of us have experienced this.....friends drop by the wayside....my feeling is, they weren't real friends in the first place...it really bothered me at first but now I don't care! My real friends are still with me...there is one who was my " friend"...of 23 years...she lives 4 houses down from me....she has never so much as walked down the street to visit me....go figure! She always says when I see her, " if you need anything, call me"...yeah, I'm gonna call her and say "I need some help"......
Personally, when I know someone is in need, I just do! I don't ask what I can do I just do it!....pick up some groceries, make a meal,I've gathered others to help me clean their houses, etc.... women almost never ask for help, and the " friends" should get that! But alas....I know they can't relate to what we're going through....but common sense goes a long way...we're not contagious!
Keep posting....we won't abandon you...we care
Hugs, Nancy0 -
Thank you all so much!
It is good to know that you all understand and that I am not alone.
It just amazes me how tone deaf some people can be.
I had one friend call me the other day and leave a voice message. When I finally listened to it I thought I was going to hear her checking on me and asking if I'm ok. Instead, she called to invite my daughter to her daughter's bday party, far from our home, and even said "Hope you guys had a good summer!" Good summer? How about it was a tough summer with 40 trips back and forth to the hospital! How about offering to pick her up for us?
Someone I thought was a friend got mad at me over some nonsense and stopped speaking to me, cancelled taking me to treatment and dinner one day, stopped taking my calls and started bad-mouthing me on facebook! How does someone do this to a cancer patient during treatment? She is obviously a disturbed person and wasn't really a friend to begin with, but even my closest friends, who know she did this, haven't tried to fill the void.
I agree with you, Nancy...women shouldn't wait for us to tell them what we need...they should just see a need and fill it. That is what I do for friends, and that is what I will do for other breast cancer patients when I start volunteering next month.0 -
I think that when we go onAttygirl said:Thank you all so much!
It is good to know that you all understand and that I am not alone.
It just amazes me how tone deaf some people can be.
I had one friend call me the other day and leave a voice message. When I finally listened to it I thought I was going to hear her checking on me and asking if I'm ok. Instead, she called to invite my daughter to her daughter's bday party, far from our home, and even said "Hope you guys had a good summer!" Good summer? How about it was a tough summer with 40 trips back and forth to the hospital! How about offering to pick her up for us?
Someone I thought was a friend got mad at me over some nonsense and stopped speaking to me, cancelled taking me to treatment and dinner one day, stopped taking my calls and started bad-mouthing me on facebook! How does someone do this to a cancer patient during treatment? She is obviously a disturbed person and wasn't really a friend to begin with, but even my closest friends, who know she did this, haven't tried to fill the void.
I agree with you, Nancy...women shouldn't wait for us to tell them what we need...they should just see a need and fill it. That is what I do for friends, and that is what I will do for other breast cancer patients when I start volunteering next month.
I think that when we go on this ride with bc, we find out exactly who are true friends are, and, maybe that is a good thing. Your true friends will stick with you, through thick and thin.
I've been so lucky to have such a strong network of close family and friends. I don't know what I would have done or do without any of them.
I am very sorry that what you've gone through happened to you or to anyone. Just remember, you've got all of us and we won't abandon you!
Hugs, Jan0 -
The reason for this board
After treatment is over, people think your're just like you use to be. It's over, time to move on. Since I didn't have chemo, I never looked sick. People told me how great I look. I think they were surprised. If only they know how I feel sometimes. Work was so understanding while I went through treatment, but now they expect me to "put" in the hours. I can barely make it through an 8 hour day and I'm done for! The others are young guys that don't want to go home to their wives :)I still need to talk about it, but I don't think others want to hear about it anymore. So this is the place to come!
Deb0 -
You know the difference now
between a shallow relationship with people and friendship. Scratch the surface of inconvenience and it rears its ugly head. They want to go on and be happy, they don't want to be weighted down. We want to be happy too, so would we by-pass someone who is depressed and going through another disease for a get-together or a fun day at the amusement park or a cruise? I think that would be a possibility. Would we stop calling someone if we "just didn't know what to say anymore" or "don't know how to help"?
Let us remember and see if we can curb that monster in us! Ok, I am preaching to myself. But I know I know I know what you are going through. We all are social creatures and need others. My heart goes out to you.
Love and hugs,
Rebecca0 -
We change
I think that after diagnosis, treatment and survivorship, others want the best for us, and reassure us the cancer is gone. People do fade away and want to forget it ever happened. I am trying to forgive, it is hard. Even though they should understand we are getting over cancer not just an earache, I think we have to speak up and let them know how chellenging it is for us. We may look better, but they don't know how we really feel. With me, I am vocalizing this and finding that many do not want to hear it, some have not responded after I have asked for help... I am getting intouch with other people and trying to meet new ones that match my lifestyle better. I joined a yoga class and have some great new people in my life. I'm glad you mentioned the topic because I noticed this has happened with most of my friends. It has been over a year for me, and things have completely changed.0 -
Not the only one...
Your not the only one, I was just diagnosed and when I told my friends they ran like they were gonna catch it too. the few true friends I have I count my blesings for.... even some of my family turned a blind eye, as if I was being over dramatic.....
My daughters (they are 11 and 8)handled my diagnosis better then the grown adults.....
I was left feeling alone, nervous and scared.... and my surgery is this Tuesday.0 -
So good to know you are supported, Jansurvivorbc09 said:I think that when we go on
I think that when we go on this ride with bc, we find out exactly who are true friends are, and, maybe that is a good thing. Your true friends will stick with you, through thick and thin.
I've been so lucky to have such a strong network of close family and friends. I don't know what I would have done or do without any of them.
I am very sorry that what you've gone through happened to you or to anyone. Just remember, you've got all of us and we won't abandon you!
Hugs, Jan
And so good to know that you all are here! Thanks!0 -
Such a good point, Deb.debsweb18 said:The reason for this board
After treatment is over, people think your're just like you use to be. It's over, time to move on. Since I didn't have chemo, I never looked sick. People told me how great I look. I think they were surprised. If only they know how I feel sometimes. Work was so understanding while I went through treatment, but now they expect me to "put" in the hours. I can barely make it through an 8 hour day and I'm done for! The others are young guys that don't want to go home to their wives :)I still need to talk about it, but I don't think others want to hear about it anymore. So this is the place to come!
Deb
I also didn't have chemo, don't look sick, haven't lost wait and I still have my hair. Yet every day I feel like every bit the cancer patient that I am. People do seem surprised when I tell them how bad it's been. And I do want to talk about it at times, but I don't think some folks can handle hearing about it. So yes...this is the place, indeed! Thanks.0 -
Oh yeah...rallendorfer said:You know the difference now
between a shallow relationship with people and friendship. Scratch the surface of inconvenience and it rears its ugly head. They want to go on and be happy, they don't want to be weighted down. We want to be happy too, so would we by-pass someone who is depressed and going through another disease for a get-together or a fun day at the amusement park or a cruise? I think that would be a possibility. Would we stop calling someone if we "just didn't know what to say anymore" or "don't know how to help"?
Let us remember and see if we can curb that monster in us! Ok, I am preaching to myself. But I know I know I know what you are going through. We all are social creatures and need others. My heart goes out to you.
Love and hugs,
Rebecca
I know the difference now, alright.
I am not afraid to dive into the dark side of life when it comes to others. I honestly don't hesitate to go there when someone is in need, and I go the extra mile to seek them out. But I know there must be times when I haven't "been there" like I should, and this experience has made me even more intent on making sure I am.
Thank you so much for reaching out and making this important point!0 -
Wow!hope4thebest said:We change
I think that after diagnosis, treatment and survivorship, others want the best for us, and reassure us the cancer is gone. People do fade away and want to forget it ever happened. I am trying to forgive, it is hard. Even though they should understand we are getting over cancer not just an earache, I think we have to speak up and let them know how chellenging it is for us. We may look better, but they don't know how we really feel. With me, I am vocalizing this and finding that many do not want to hear it, some have not responded after I have asked for help... I am getting intouch with other people and trying to meet new ones that match my lifestyle better. I joined a yoga class and have some great new people in my life. I'm glad you mentioned the topic because I noticed this has happened with most of my friends. It has been over a year for me, and things have completely changed.
So true!
When I read "things have changed completely," it was quite the reality check.
CHANGE...that is what this is, isn't it?
Thank you so much for sharing that.0 -
who has been a wonderful support and has handled everything with grace, honesty and love.LC814 said:Not the only one...
Your not the only one, I was just diagnosed and when I told my friends they ran like they were gonna catch it too. the few true friends I have I count my blesings for.... even some of my family turned a blind eye, as if I was being over dramatic.....
My daughters (they are 11 and 8)handled my diagnosis better then the grown adults.....
I was left feeling alone, nervous and scared.... and my surgery is this Tuesday.
Peace & comfort for your surgery. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.0 -
how are you after surgery, LC814??LC814 said:Not the only one...
Your not the only one, I was just diagnosed and when I told my friends they ran like they were gonna catch it too. the few true friends I have I count my blesings for.... even some of my family turned a blind eye, as if I was being over dramatic.....
My daughters (they are 11 and 8)handled my diagnosis better then the grown adults.....
I was left feeling alone, nervous and scared.... and my surgery is this Tuesday.
thoughts & prayers...0 -
Hey, AttygirlAttygirl said:how are you after surgery, LC814??
thoughts & prayers...
Are you an attorney? NO, I'm not going to ask you legal questions (so rude!) Wanna be friends? I work in our Prosecutor's office. I'm sure you and I would have lots to talk about (without violating any confidentiality type issues....like I won't tell you the name of the parrot that I asked our detective bureau to get contact info on because I think the parrot would make a great witness in our case....that made us spend all afternoon giggle-snorting about!) I'm not an attorney, I'm just the potted plant that sits at the reception desk and can do anything but cut deals and sign papers....all with a broken rib and bronchitis.
As for the friend thing, it hurts to say this, but when people in our building ask me how I'm doing, I can see actual concern in their eyes. My 6 brothers and sisters never (like in 6 months) even call to see if I'm still alive. I'm thinking of sending them all a note that says "Hey, sorry, you're gonna have to get another paralegal to help you get your divorce, custody of your kids, mount a rebellion in your town and take over the town council, get you not foreclosed on....etc. because I actually died in January! So, it's ok that you haven't called, and yeah, I feel pretty good for being dead!"0 -
HAH!bluwillo said:Hey, Attygirl
Are you an attorney? NO, I'm not going to ask you legal questions (so rude!) Wanna be friends? I work in our Prosecutor's office. I'm sure you and I would have lots to talk about (without violating any confidentiality type issues....like I won't tell you the name of the parrot that I asked our detective bureau to get contact info on because I think the parrot would make a great witness in our case....that made us spend all afternoon giggle-snorting about!) I'm not an attorney, I'm just the potted plant that sits at the reception desk and can do anything but cut deals and sign papers....all with a broken rib and bronchitis.
As for the friend thing, it hurts to say this, but when people in our building ask me how I'm doing, I can see actual concern in their eyes. My 6 brothers and sisters never (like in 6 months) even call to see if I'm still alive. I'm thinking of sending them all a note that says "Hey, sorry, you're gonna have to get another paralegal to help you get your divorce, custody of your kids, mount a rebellion in your town and take over the town council, get you not foreclosed on....etc. because I actually died in January! So, it's ok that you haven't called, and yeah, I feel pretty good for being dead!"
Sorry it took so long for me to see this, bluwillo! You are a hoot!
I am an attorney in New York City. I work with a judge and we handle criminal felony trials and run a drug court. I do legal research and write opinions/decisions for her and the like. I have been home all summer doing rads and recovering, so I look forward to getting back to the grind on Wednesday, after 3 months off.
I know what you mean about people only reaching out when they need advice/something. I get A LOT of that. But I am not entertaining any of it anymore. I am giving myself permission to say "sorry...wish I could help but my hands are full with juggling my life, my work and my diagnosis."
Let's keep in touch and compare notes, friend!0 -
new contactsAttygirl said:HAH!
Sorry it took so long for me to see this, bluwillo! You are a hoot!
I am an attorney in New York City. I work with a judge and we handle criminal felony trials and run a drug court. I do legal research and write opinions/decisions for her and the like. I have been home all summer doing rads and recovering, so I look forward to getting back to the grind on Wednesday, after 3 months off.
I know what you mean about people only reaching out when they need advice/something. I get A LOT of that. But I am not entertaining any of it anymore. I am giving myself permission to say "sorry...wish I could help but my hands are full with juggling my life, my work and my diagnosis."
Let's keep in touch and compare notes, friend!
I can relate so much to all of these posts! As I get back up from this illness, I am realizing that I need different people in life life than I had before. Those prior relationships no longer satisfy, I have grown. So, as we move forward, cut ourselves some slack, for I think that we are also actively cutting the ties, as much as our long lost friends/family have. (Altho they are still there if we want to pick up the phone, I think we have learned to harness our energy for other really great things that are more beneficial to us now).
Yes, I too have learned to say no, they still ask, and ask. Thank you for your posts, and I want to remind us to appreciate those new people that have come, or will come into our lives.0
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