Widowhood

JackieA said:

Thinking of you SLG
It has been a while since I have been on the site. I am so glad to see that inspite of all that has taken place, you are still holding on. Continue to honor your husband as long as you can. You have so much to offer as many are walking the road that you have traveled. You are giving hope that we can make it. Thank you.

QuisoNeo said:

Sending you Strength and Understanding
Hi, I read your post and wanted to tell you I have been there in some of what you have gone through. I lost my husband of 32 years six years ago. He was the love of my life and my best friend. At six months after his death I think I was about to give up. Then one day I thought about driving in front of a cement truck and it scared me into wanting to live. He passed away suddenly, without warning, so I had no opportunity to say goodbye. I also did not have to see him suffer. There is just no "good way" to lose the love of your life. You are so brave to have walked your daughter up the aisle! My daughter was married a couple years after her father passed, and she purposely did not have a wedding with an aisle. It was just too much. I don't know if I could have gotten up an aisle without sobbing! It was hard to do without him there, but I felt his presence that day very strongly.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here...except keep going and know that you are not alone. I have had a hard time since I lost my husband; I've lost our home, one of my daughters barely speaks to me anymore, I've been financially struggling, and when I discovered it was possible to fall in love more than once in life, my now fiancee went and got laryngeal cancer! I am still going and I still believe I have a purpose in being here. I may not always know what it is either, but I trust that there is one. Please believe you are here for a reason and hang onto your good memories and the life you were so lucky to have with your husband.

QuisoNeo said:

How are you Sig?
Just checking in to ask how you are doing. I know; it's day to day, sometimes minute to minute. I think the point you're at was the lowest point for me. Just past the point where a lot of people are around and supportive and then suddenly you're supposed to figure out what to do from here. My daughter moved out six months after her Dad died and I experienced anger like I've never felt before in my life. Our youngest was on her own and it was the time we were supposed to have together (he and I) alone and he was gone. But somehow I managed to get though. You will too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of yourself. I know I had a hard time eating after he was gone and I had to really work at caring enough to cook or eat somehting healthy. The only way I can describe what losing him felt like for me was that the color went out of my life. It did come back eventually, but it took a long time. Take it from someone who understands a lot of what you are going through. It's okay that you are just ok. It will get batter and good days will return. You have to believe it for it to happen.
Chris (QuisoNeo)

QuisoNeo said:

Hi Sig
It sounds like you are a step up from okay with being able to plan celebrations to honor your husband. Do you keep a journal? For me it helped to write and then I could go back and see even small bits of progress. The day I stopped crazily searching through his toolbox (he was a cadillac technician and those tools were the things he touched every day for years.), the day I fixed my own headlights, the day I felt a little bit of joy and could hardly remember what that feeling was I was having. The day the sunset looked like it had just a little bit of color in it. Second chances are amazing and there will be lots of them in your future.

I am doing okay I guess. Pretty much to the point of nothing left to give though. Luckily Paul is on the mend. He is almost off his feeding tube and has lots of energy. He is driving and taking himself to PT and lyphedema therapy. I am backing away from the caretaker role, and he seems to be going through some nasty phase. Acting like he's about 8 years old and that doesn't mesh well with my trying to put myself first for a change, after putting him first for over a year. I'm not sure if this is a normal part of recovery for someone with cancer or what. Think I'll post on another link and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I am ready to give him his ring back, after all we've been through it seems unbelievable.
Hang in there and I will too.
Chris

QuisoNeo said:

How did it go Sig?
I'm anxious to hear how the Honor Guard Ceremony went for your husband. I hope it was a day of comfort for you, as well as a celebration for him. Of course you still cry! It's only been 9 months! It has been almost seven years since I lost my husband, and there are still days when thinking about him makes me cry. Most of the time I am now able to have happy memories of him and talk about him though. Interesting that your husband's name is Paul too. My fiance is Paul.
He is doing better. I left for a few days to take care of myself--to go to counseling, go to a doctor appt. and just to have a couple days to myself to think. We talked when I got home and things have been better since. I know it takes a whole lot of energy for him to be well, and he was just about empty with all the treatments and surgery, etc. I guess I need to be more patient. It just seems strange to me that he was having a nasty stage when he was feeling so much better. This stuff is so confusing and draining! My counselor said neither of us have much energy left after all this. And you have the double whammy of having been through all that with your Paul, and then losing him and now you have the grief to deal with. Please keep in touch.
Chris