Sorry girls...one week out from last chemo and
OK, if you babies can't take a little glass throwing from me please move on to the next post about recipes. I am in a FOUL mood today. I know I need light hearted conversation too, but sometimes we gotta face the truth.
I apologize early for screaming. If you were here and saw me bald no make up sitting in my natty robe typing on this computer in my old house maybe you would laugh. It is pathetic.
I need a drink and I don't mean frickin coconut water either.
Comments
-
H U G S........... xxxxx
All I can say to you is.... H U G S !! xxxxx I can't imagine how you feel, I won't even try, but it sounds to me as if you have every reason to be angry and hurt and to feel like total garbage. I think anyone in your situation would feel exactly the same way. You have a right to feel that way. And it's ok not to want to feel good and happy and bright all the time....it's ok to be ANGRY...!! And sometimes we don't want people to say nice things to us, we don't want them to encourage us, we just need to SCREAM....and cry and feel like....#########.
All I can offer is...xxxxx and hugs.
Annie0 -
Let it out!
Rebecca let it out, cause other than your daughter, I know every single thing you are saying!I couldn't eat, I couldn't go anywhere, even getting from the couch to the bathroom was a major trip. I had no savings when we started.. facing bankruptcy now.You dear are sooooo not alone in your fight. You can deal with your daughter later when you are well.
Chemo absolutely sucks..it is killing you girl! But now get ready cause I am coming after you.... YOU HAVE ONE LEFT! You can do this... your effects of chemo are cumulative, you are absolutely gonna feel worse before you feel better. What is your alternative feel sick and tired from cancer???? Knowing with the cancer and no treatment chances are when you are done being sick and tired you are done?? Sorry my dear friend... feel bad, throw things sit on the pity pot as long as you need to, then tie up your boot strings and go for a walk~ because when you are done with this chemo and you look back on your journey and all that you went through, you are going to feel very proud of yourself. And you will know that you did everything possible to save your life. HANG IN THERE!
xoxo
Sandy0 -
You feel like absolute crap right now--I so get that--and I didn't have all the other things to contend with like you do. Soon, this will be a memory (maybe a bad one, but a memory none the less). You're almost there, honey. The finish line is in sight. The light is visible at the end of this miserable tunnel.lynn1950 said:Go ahead and rant. It's
Go ahead and rant. It's good for the soul. Keeping it bottled up leads to no good. xoxoxo Lynn
Hang in there--any way you can. You will do this. Ask your higher power for some help. We're all with you, Rebecca, all the way.
If you lived near me, I'd be over there right now, letting you vent away.
Take good care and keep posting.
Hugs, Renee0 -
Olive or lemon twist in that drink?missrenee said:You feel like absolute crap right now--I so get that--and I didn't have all the other things to contend with like you do. Soon, this will be a memory (maybe a bad one, but a memory none the less). You're almost there, honey. The finish line is in sight. The light is visible at the end of this miserable tunnel.
Hang in there--any way you can. You will do this. Ask your higher power for some help. We're all with you, Rebecca, all the way.
If you lived near me, I'd be over there right now, letting you vent away.
Take good care and keep posting.
Hugs, Renee
Sending good thoughts and positive energy.
xoxo
Victoria0 -
Sounds like how I have felt at times...
with the exception of the daughter. No matter how shi*** I felt, I was a total mess when I was told a few weeks ago no more chemo, told to nest!
I agree nothing like a nice refreshing Margarita, hold the salt please.
Glad there is only one treatment left.
Hugs,
carol0 -
I never understood
I never understood why people expected people who are sick to stay chipper. I had a friend that was end stage cancer and everyone kept pushing her to smile and stay positive. When I talked to her that was the one thing that pissed her off.
It really is ok to be ticked off, or pissy or whatever. Cancer alone is a hell all to its own.
We all know how crappy we felt after chemo. It seemed like I would never feel ok, Then surgery and rads..... ugh! It will get better I promise.
At some point, direct the anger and frustration at the cancer and there will be no stopping you! Try ACS for resources for financial help or the local church? You never know where you may find help.
Cindy0 -
go ahead get MAD
Been there drank that... .No not frigging coconut water (:
AND I danced.... with my almost bald head. It was my first
Time in a club after cancer. There is a lot to live for so get mad
At cancer for holding you back. And laugh in its face as you
Dance in you living room, downing a bottle of something
Something, all the while singing on top of your lungs -
Hey Becca you're so fine... you're so fine... Can you hear it?
Do whatever it takes to shake off da funk. Be silly.. it helps
I was in your shoes, alone and broke. Concentrate on staying
Alive... staying alive... sorry slipped
Love you even in your foulest of moods
Big hug
Ayse0 -
....Rebecca ... It does in better, in time.aysemari said:go ahead get MAD
Been there drank that... .No not frigging coconut water (:
AND I danced.... with my almost bald head. It was my first
Time in a club after cancer. There is a lot to live for so get mad
At cancer for holding you back. And laugh in its face as you
Dance in you living room, downing a bottle of something
Something, all the while singing on top of your lungs -
Hey Becca you're so fine... you're so fine... Can you hear it?
Do whatever it takes to shake off da funk. Be silly.. it helps
I was in your shoes, alone and broke. Concentrate on staying
Alive... staying alive... sorry slipped
Love you even in your foulest of moods
Big hug
Ayse
chemo SUCKS big time, and it is NOT easy.
I had 18 consecutive TCH infusions -- every Tuesday at 9:00 a.m. no breaks, no
holidays -- toward the end I fainted, I threw up no stop, lost toe nails -- as
if I were not ugly enough with no hair on my scalp, or no eyebrows. I had
issues with WBC counts, then again, I had NO breaks from chemo -- no 1 or 2
weeks to regain my strength, personality, or zest for life.
I watched for 9 months as the world went by .. friends, family, and strangers
went to work, went about their business -- without a care in the world.
Is this fair, NO .. Why me .. yes, I did go there many times -- but, it
did not improve my outlook, or personal growth.
I decided after many miserable months to transferred my anger to getting better, and recovering from breast cancer --
I started list of things I wanted to accomplish or do -- and set my sight on
personal growth, and development.
... Two -- of my personal favorites ..
Walk for 5 minutes .. twice this week.
Go up and down my stairs 3 times each day ...
Yes, I was this fatigued ..
Hang in there... and screw ....cancer!!! Don't give in, and Don't give UP.
Vicki Sam0 -
Well, I ended up making a drink
After yelling at the hubby all day and my nerves so bad. I tried to make dinner for him but he didn't want it either..can't blame him. So I made a drink and went to bed. Newbies, Becky was very bad to do that so don't you even try it...alcohol is not allowed during chemo. Becky was not herself...
I have 2 more chemos to go, not 1, but it doesn't matter if I had 15 because I have to do it or die, like Sandy said. And if I went through the whole thing without chemo I would have been feeling a lot worse because there would be no sliver of hope.
Its the money that is the problem. I know when it runs out so will the level of care. The hospital is gouging the insurance company with the bills and the insurance company is gouging me with what they won't pay. They aren't holding up to their end of the bargain for why we have insurance in the first place. Sandy, I am sorry to hear that at the end of this whole ordeal that bankruptcy is a possible option. At this stage of our lives after raising kids and grandkids and working all our lives to be laid so low in the poverty level is unthinkable. Its like the angel Clarence in "Its a Wonderful Life" said "oh, we don't need money up here!" and George Bailey responded: "Well it sure comes in handy down here BUB."
Money isn't everything, but it is SOMETHING. When I got another bill for $1700 after just dishing out $2000 I just fell apart. And of course not feeling good is making it worse. I didn't have the Neulasta shot this time because I thought the added pain was too much last time. I hope that wasn't a mistake because I feel so much worse this time.
With no family, it is scarey to think what would happen to me if this doesn't work. I would have been there for my daughter as I always was in the past if the situations were reversed, but she left me to die on the tree lawn with the garbage. How did I raise such an unfeeling creature? Like Sandy said, I will deal with that after this is over.
Thank you girls for slapping me back to reason...I was off the deep end yesterday and looking for a life preserver. You are my backbone.
Love,
Rebecca0 -
Hirallendorfer said:Well, I ended up making a drink
After yelling at the hubby all day and my nerves so bad. I tried to make dinner for him but he didn't want it either..can't blame him. So I made a drink and went to bed. Newbies, Becky was very bad to do that so don't you even try it...alcohol is not allowed during chemo. Becky was not herself...
I have 2 more chemos to go, not 1, but it doesn't matter if I had 15 because I have to do it or die, like Sandy said. And if I went through the whole thing without chemo I would have been feeling a lot worse because there would be no sliver of hope.
Its the money that is the problem. I know when it runs out so will the level of care. The hospital is gouging the insurance company with the bills and the insurance company is gouging me with what they won't pay. They aren't holding up to their end of the bargain for why we have insurance in the first place. Sandy, I am sorry to hear that at the end of this whole ordeal that bankruptcy is a possible option. At this stage of our lives after raising kids and grandkids and working all our lives to be laid so low in the poverty level is unthinkable. Its like the angel Clarence in "Its a Wonderful Life" said "oh, we don't need money up here!" and George Bailey responded: "Well it sure comes in handy down here BUB."
Money isn't everything, but it is SOMETHING. When I got another bill for $1700 after just dishing out $2000 I just fell apart. And of course not feeling good is making it worse. I didn't have the Neulasta shot this time because I thought the added pain was too much last time. I hope that wasn't a mistake because I feel so much worse this time.
With no family, it is scarey to think what would happen to me if this doesn't work. I would have been there for my daughter as I always was in the past if the situations were reversed, but she left me to die on the tree lawn with the garbage. How did I raise such an unfeeling creature? Like Sandy said, I will deal with that after this is over.
Thank you girls for slapping me back to reason...I was off the deep end yesterday and looking for a life preserver. You are my backbone.
Love,
Rebecca
I'm English and though not perfect by a long way our medical system is so much better. Everyone pays from their wages automatically so when things crop up nothing comes out of your savings. I find the system here barbaric and terrible for a civilized country. There now I'm venting........... Heaven help you here if you aren't armed with an Insurance Card.
Chemo, I remember I looked at a pile of ironing and thought I'd rather commit suicide than tackle it. Could hardly move so exhausted. But I slept when ever my body told me to because I new it was a healing process and felt no guilt. Gosh I napped all the time for a long time.
My son who loves me I know, couldn't talk about the cancer and did not want to ever see me with no hair until I finally said I couldn't stand being too hot when he visited and I took the hat off. Infact he did 't want to touch me as if it was catching. No one understands how we feel who haven't experienced this. I'm sorry you have a bundle of things happening all at once, this a rotten time for you. I am hoping you have some strong friends who are supporting you, women need to share. I hope your pain relief works soon, nothing worse when so much on your plate. Keep posting because 'we get it'.0 -
Let it out all of it. I know
Let it out all of it. I know how it feels to be stuck in the house and can't go out or do any thing. I have had a recurrence and am oxygen dependent right now. Only go to the Dr that's it. I am also in chemo again too. So I say Yell scream rant and rave. I'm here with you and we will yell together. I think some times we need to be angry just get MAD. Because this isn't fare. So go ahead a vent all you want we will too right along with you. And understand it. Your feelings are true and warranted. I'm with ya sister
Take care Darlin
Kay0 -
There Is Help Available!rallendorfer said:Well, I ended up making a drink
After yelling at the hubby all day and my nerves so bad. I tried to make dinner for him but he didn't want it either..can't blame him. So I made a drink and went to bed. Newbies, Becky was very bad to do that so don't you even try it...alcohol is not allowed during chemo. Becky was not herself...
I have 2 more chemos to go, not 1, but it doesn't matter if I had 15 because I have to do it or die, like Sandy said. And if I went through the whole thing without chemo I would have been feeling a lot worse because there would be no sliver of hope.
Its the money that is the problem. I know when it runs out so will the level of care. The hospital is gouging the insurance company with the bills and the insurance company is gouging me with what they won't pay. They aren't holding up to their end of the bargain for why we have insurance in the first place. Sandy, I am sorry to hear that at the end of this whole ordeal that bankruptcy is a possible option. At this stage of our lives after raising kids and grandkids and working all our lives to be laid so low in the poverty level is unthinkable. Its like the angel Clarence in "Its a Wonderful Life" said "oh, we don't need money up here!" and George Bailey responded: "Well it sure comes in handy down here BUB."
Money isn't everything, but it is SOMETHING. When I got another bill for $1700 after just dishing out $2000 I just fell apart. And of course not feeling good is making it worse. I didn't have the Neulasta shot this time because I thought the added pain was too much last time. I hope that wasn't a mistake because I feel so much worse this time.
With no family, it is scarey to think what would happen to me if this doesn't work. I would have been there for my daughter as I always was in the past if the situations were reversed, but she left me to die on the tree lawn with the garbage. How did I raise such an unfeeling creature? Like Sandy said, I will deal with that after this is over.
Thank you girls for slapping me back to reason...I was off the deep end yesterday and looking for a life preserver. You are my backbone.
Love,
Rebecca
I take a form of chemotherapy for another condition and have been told not do use alcohol. A drink now and then all my doctors agree won't kill me as long as it remains now and then. You needed that drink and don't feel guilty about having one. Sometimes it cleans out the sludge in us.
Why don't you talk to someone at your cancer center about the bills. There should be a person or two who can help you. That is their job. There are funds available to help women in your situation. Talk with your oncologist or her nurse and ask who it is and make an appointment. Let them handle any fight with the insurance company, they know all the tricks in handling them.
You have a husband and that is family. Your daughter did not leave you to die on the lawn with the garbage as you are online posting. She might be a little immature in the caring factor or is totally afraid. Deal with her later when you are back to normal. You will be back to normal again.
Make up with hubby, he sounds like a very good man.
Best,
Doris0 -
Becky, you can't control a lot thingsrallendorfer said:Well, I ended up making a drink
After yelling at the hubby all day and my nerves so bad. I tried to make dinner for him but he didn't want it either..can't blame him. So I made a drink and went to bed. Newbies, Becky was very bad to do that so don't you even try it...alcohol is not allowed during chemo. Becky was not herself...
I have 2 more chemos to go, not 1, but it doesn't matter if I had 15 because I have to do it or die, like Sandy said. And if I went through the whole thing without chemo I would have been feeling a lot worse because there would be no sliver of hope.
Its the money that is the problem. I know when it runs out so will the level of care. The hospital is gouging the insurance company with the bills and the insurance company is gouging me with what they won't pay. They aren't holding up to their end of the bargain for why we have insurance in the first place. Sandy, I am sorry to hear that at the end of this whole ordeal that bankruptcy is a possible option. At this stage of our lives after raising kids and grandkids and working all our lives to be laid so low in the poverty level is unthinkable. Its like the angel Clarence in "Its a Wonderful Life" said "oh, we don't need money up here!" and George Bailey responded: "Well it sure comes in handy down here BUB."
Money isn't everything, but it is SOMETHING. When I got another bill for $1700 after just dishing out $2000 I just fell apart. And of course not feeling good is making it worse. I didn't have the Neulasta shot this time because I thought the added pain was too much last time. I hope that wasn't a mistake because I feel so much worse this time.
With no family, it is scarey to think what would happen to me if this doesn't work. I would have been there for my daughter as I always was in the past if the situations were reversed, but she left me to die on the tree lawn with the garbage. How did I raise such an unfeeling creature? Like Sandy said, I will deal with that after this is over.
Thank you girls for slapping me back to reason...I was off the deep end yesterday and looking for a life preserver. You are my backbone.
Love,
Rebecca
like your daughter. Obviously, she's adult enough to take care of herself and her kids. Good job! I know it breaks your heart that she's not there for you, but save that fight for another day. (Or, you could make a drink, toss it back, call her up and say "Shut up and listen!" and dump all over her. Chances are good that you'll say something you can't take back...so that may be fun to daydream about, but won't bring you the closeness you need. You could also write a poison-pen letter and then put it away...read it in a week, then burn it.)
You can't really control the $$ issue, but you can get in contact with you hospital social worker. They can help with the $$ issues.
And, ya gotta finish chemo! If only to have "that talk" with your daughter. Right now, you need to concentrate on getting better. Being in pain and feeling like crap makes it hard to realize that there will be better days ahead. And props to your hubby....although I must ask, is cooking your favorite thing to do? If he knows you're in a bad way, dude needs to step up and at least EAT THE DAM MEAL you cooked for him! LOL!
Glad you're feeling better...anytime you wanna come here and scream, feel free! A lot of us are screaming right along with you.
Now, go look up the phone number for your treatment center's social worker. Then watch a movie or read a book (have you read Hunger Games? I though it was just for teens, but it's a really good book!) Put your feet up and tell anyone who cheeses you off to pizz off! Rock on!0 -
I think we've all been at
I think we've all been at that point where we just want the roller coaster to stop and let us off...I hope you are feeling better today.
Hugs,
Linda0 -
You have a right to be mad
Hi, I'm new to the board, but your post struck a chord with me. I had to stop chemo at 4 rounds instead of 6 because of all the side effects. I never knew I could be so exhausted. The money worries make everything worse and this has got to be the hardest thing you could deal with. It's understandable that you want to scream and get drunk; I'd want to do the same.
I'm so sorry that you feel that your daughter abandoned you. If you don't mind advice from a stranger, I wouldn't expect help from your family. My own family (husband and 2 sons) haven't been any help to me after the surgery and chemo--they don't know what to do and don't have a clue how to respond. I think it's more sensible to talk with other survivors--either online or through support groups at your hospital.
I do hope that things get better for you; I hope it helps a little to know that there are other people going through the same hell.
Best wishes for your recovery.0 -
47ronin47ronin said:You have a right to be mad
Hi, I'm new to the board, but your post struck a chord with me. I had to stop chemo at 4 rounds instead of 6 because of all the side effects. I never knew I could be so exhausted. The money worries make everything worse and this has got to be the hardest thing you could deal with. It's understandable that you want to scream and get drunk; I'd want to do the same.
I'm so sorry that you feel that your daughter abandoned you. If you don't mind advice from a stranger, I wouldn't expect help from your family. My own family (husband and 2 sons) haven't been any help to me after the surgery and chemo--they don't know what to do and don't have a clue how to respond. I think it's more sensible to talk with other survivors--either online or through support groups at your hospital.
I do hope that things get better for you; I hope it helps a little to know that there are other people going through the same hell.
Best wishes for your recovery.
Thank you for your understanding. I am coming to grips with my daughter leaving my life, and the grandkids too. It is hard, but I realize that she hasn't got it in her heart. I do find support here as my safety net. I am sorry that you had to quit the chemo early, and wish that I could. I am so sick all day, the sickest I have been yet and I keep crying. Everyone says tell the Oncologist and ask them what to do but I have an arsenol of pills in there and I start crying when I look at it because I don't know which one to take. I really need a personal nurse!!! I am so confused night and day.
How are you now after your 4 rounds? Have you gone through any surgeries? I wish the best for you, too, my new sister.
Hugs,
Rebecca0 -
bluwillobluwillo said:Becky, you can't control a lot things
like your daughter. Obviously, she's adult enough to take care of herself and her kids. Good job! I know it breaks your heart that she's not there for you, but save that fight for another day. (Or, you could make a drink, toss it back, call her up and say "Shut up and listen!" and dump all over her. Chances are good that you'll say something you can't take back...so that may be fun to daydream about, but won't bring you the closeness you need. You could also write a poison-pen letter and then put it away...read it in a week, then burn it.)
You can't really control the $$ issue, but you can get in contact with you hospital social worker. They can help with the $$ issues.
And, ya gotta finish chemo! If only to have "that talk" with your daughter. Right now, you need to concentrate on getting better. Being in pain and feeling like crap makes it hard to realize that there will be better days ahead. And props to your hubby....although I must ask, is cooking your favorite thing to do? If he knows you're in a bad way, dude needs to step up and at least EAT THE DAM MEAL you cooked for him! LOL!
Glad you're feeling better...anytime you wanna come here and scream, feel free! A lot of us are screaming right along with you.
Now, go look up the phone number for your treatment center's social worker. Then watch a movie or read a book (have you read Hunger Games? I though it was just for teens, but it's a really good book!) Put your feet up and tell anyone who cheeses you off to pizz off! Rock on!
I like your suggestion about calling my daughter after "tossing one down". That was funny. But, you can't make someone love you, can you?
And the "eat the dam meal" really made my day! No, he (and I) just fussed too much to make anything taste good on a tense stomach. I was nauseous and he was just nervous. I am not a good cook at all, but I make up for it with effort, and he usually eats it. He won't eat if I don't fix something. I even have to make his breakfast and lunch for him or he won't eat! Even being sick, I still have to do that. But sometimes I wonder where my little helper is to care if I am getting the right nutrition, or pack my lunch for me, or get up and make a piece of toast for me. Oh I should just shut up.
Thank you for your kind concern too about the money. I just haven't reached out to the social workers yet because I am not on empty yet in the savings. I have spent thousands already, and expect the amount to be $10,000 by year end. Then it goes back to $0 in January and I have to start paying all that again if I continue with any kind of treatment...which I am hoping will be over with by then.0 -
Thank you DorisSIROD said:There Is Help Available!
I take a form of chemotherapy for another condition and have been told not do use alcohol. A drink now and then all my doctors agree won't kill me as long as it remains now and then. You needed that drink and don't feel guilty about having one. Sometimes it cleans out the sludge in us.
Why don't you talk to someone at your cancer center about the bills. There should be a person or two who can help you. That is their job. There are funds available to help women in your situation. Talk with your oncologist or her nurse and ask who it is and make an appointment. Let them handle any fight with the insurance company, they know all the tricks in handling them.
You have a husband and that is family. Your daughter did not leave you to die on the lawn with the garbage as you are online posting. She might be a little immature in the caring factor or is totally afraid. Deal with her later when you are back to normal. You will be back to normal again.
Make up with hubby, he sounds like a very good man.
Best,
Doris
My husband is a very good man. He has forgotten our fussing and on we go. The drink really did help. There will also be a new normal now concerning my daughter when I get past this. I am afraid that the relationship was just a pipe dream on my part.0 -
Kaysmalldoggroomer said:Let it out all of it. I know
Let it out all of it. I know how it feels to be stuck in the house and can't go out or do any thing. I have had a recurrence and am oxygen dependent right now. Only go to the Dr that's it. I am also in chemo again too. So I say Yell scream rant and rave. I'm here with you and we will yell together. I think some times we need to be angry just get MAD. Because this isn't fare. So go ahead a vent all you want we will too right along with you. And understand it. Your feelings are true and warranted. I'm with ya sister
Take care Darlin
Kay
Thanks Kay. I am working part time so I have to drag myself out and do it to keep the damned insurance which doesn't pay for everything. It is really a catch 22. If I could do what I want I would just stay home and read, or come over there with you and put a puzzle together while our dogs played in the yard together. Everyone keeps putting things on me to do...lets go out for breakfast, lets do this birthday party at work, lets do another company picnic. Everything requires so much energy and no one thinks I look sick so they are just running over me. I am not a victim, it just seems like it happens so fast and I get stuck. And I feel so sick this time.
Thanks for your understanding.
Hugs,
Rebecca0
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