Friday funnies...
Comments
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The Scottish Golferalice124 said:duplicate 2
duplicate 2
Please don't anybody ask how I know this is a true story!
An 80 year old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the man is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Scottish and a golfer' says the man,'and that's why I'm in such good shape'.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways'.
'I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well'.
'I'm sure that helps 'says the doctor,'but surely there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad was dead?'
The doctor is amazed.'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old' says the golfer,'in fact, he golfed with me this morning,and then he went to the topless beach for a walk,it's good for his eyesight, and had another wee dram, and that's why he's still alive'He's Scottish and also a golfer.'
'Well,' the doctor says 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.How about your Dad's Dad?
How old was he when he died?'
'Who said he was dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks,'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old' says the Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting very frustrated at this point,'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae - he's getting married today'.
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.'Getting married!!-why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Wonderful stuff in a dram!0 -
Wives (no offence ladies)...Texas_wedge said:The Scottish Golfer
Please don't anybody ask how I know this is a true story!
An 80 year old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the man is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Scottish and a golfer' says the man,'and that's why I'm in such good shape'.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways'.
'I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well'.
'I'm sure that helps 'says the doctor,'but surely there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad was dead?'
The doctor is amazed.'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old' says the golfer,'in fact, he golfed with me this morning,and then he went to the topless beach for a walk,it's good for his eyesight, and had another wee dram, and that's why he's still alive'He's Scottish and also a golfer.'
'Well,' the doctor says 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.How about your Dad's Dad?
How old was he when he died?'
'Who said he was dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks,'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old' says the Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting very frustrated at this point,'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae - he's getting married today'.
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.'Getting married!!-why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Wonderful stuff in a dram!
The wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my friends!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........
What the heck is she talking about?!!
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.0 -
Wivesgarym said:Wives (no offence ladies)...
The wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my friends!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........
What the heck is she talking about?!!
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I knew we could depend on you Gary - as good as ever. I particularly loved the first one - a subtle bit of observation that seemed to me as if it could have come from Paul Hogan back in the days of his brilliant TV comedy show (did it really finish 28 years ago - gosh!).0 -
More catty amusementTexas_wedge said:Wives
I knew we could depend on you Gary - as good as ever. I particularly loved the first one - a subtle bit of observation that seemed to me as if it could have come from Paul Hogan back in the days of his brilliant TV comedy show (did it really finish 28 years ago - gosh!).
For a different sort of smile, try this exercise video that my Daughter emailed me a few moments ago:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2rMAzWm3a8 0 -
Catty amusement...Texas_wedge said:More catty amusement
For a different sort of smile, try this exercise video that my Daughter emailed me a few moments ago:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2rMAzWm3a8
I thought cats were untrainable, but your daughter is cute0 -
Catty amusementgarym said:Catty amusement...
I thought cats were untrainable, but your daughter is cute
Some cats are trainable but my Daughter is cute and is nuts about cats. However, that's not her - as you may have noticed it's an item put on YouTube by someone who uses the Cyrillic alphabet. It may be Russian? I'm too ill-educated to know better. I'd ask my Wife but she's immersed in improving her grasp of the Objective C programming language for mobile app development and I don't dare interrupt her other than to supply the endless cups of tea that that enterprise evidently requires
0 -
Catty AmusementTexas_wedge said:Catty amusement
Some cats are trainable but my Daughter is cute and is nuts about cats. However, that's not her - as you may have noticed it's an item put on YouTube by someone who uses the Cyrillic alphabet. It may be Russian? I'm too ill-educated to know better. I'd ask my Wife but she's immersed in improving her grasp of the Objective C programming language for mobile app development and I don't dare interrupt her other than to supply the endless cups of tea that that enterprise evidently requires
Gary, I was going to comment on how cute the cat is. Funny how our minds work in the same way (NOT)!
Tex - my cats do this to me too when I exercise but it can be a painful workout if I'm not terribly careful. They have a tendency to hang on with their claws with movemnet so unless I'm wearing heavy workout gear, it can get painful very quickly. If I had to guess regarding the video, I'd say that cat was declawed, somethng I prefer not to do to my cats but I do feel the pain as a result.0 -
Catty Amusementalice124 said:Catty Amusement
Gary, I was going to comment on how cute the cat is. Funny how our minds work in the same way (NOT)!
Tex - my cats do this to me too when I exercise but it can be a painful workout if I'm not terribly careful. They have a tendency to hang on with their claws with movemnet so unless I'm wearing heavy workout gear, it can get painful very quickly. If I had to guess regarding the video, I'd say that cat was declawed, somethng I prefer not to do to my cats but I do feel the pain as a result.
Alice, do you have an exercise video to show us (heavy workout gear not necessary)?
Our cats (no longer with us and still greatly missed) used to like to chase golf balls when I practised chipping on the lawn. Indoors they would seek attention by settling on my computer keyboard as I sat at my PC - happy times - now about that exercise video 0 -
Sorry TexTexas_wedge said:Catty Amusement
Alice, do you have an exercise video to show us (heavy workout gear not necessary)?
Our cats (no longer with us and still greatly missed) used to like to chase golf balls when I practised chipping on the lawn. Indoors they would seek attention by settling on my computer keyboard as I sat at my PC - happy times - now about that exercise video
Current workouts are limited to light workouts in our gym and yoga classes. Having cats as your exercise partners is just too bloody.
And why not get another cat? They are wonderful friends and are good for you. I used to take my blood pressure and get a reading. And then start petting my kitty and get a second reading. Every time the reading was lower when my hand was touching the cat.0 -
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"0 -
Adult truths...garym said:One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8.. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call..
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing!0 -
Thank you Garygarym said:Adult truths...
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8.. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call..
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing!
I've read - related & still can't stop smiling. Excellent! Where do you get this stuff?
(Btw, did the golfing joke come from my husband?)0 -
Made my day!garym said:Adult truths...
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8.. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call..
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing!
Gary,
Thank you sooooo much for creating this thread. After a week of being poked and prodded, doctor appointments, and tests, I really look forward to Friday funnies. You never fail to crack me up. Just one of the reasons you are a valuable member here.
Kathy0 -
Golf...alice124 said:Thank you Gary
I've read - related & still can't stop smiling. Excellent! Where do you get this stuff?
(Btw, did the golfing joke come from my husband?)
The golf joke was actually an updated version of one I heard long ago...
Here's another...
Four ladies were following four rather slow gentlemen around the course when one got a bit impatient and said "I'm going to hit, I can't reach them anyway." So she tees off and low and behold hits the shot of her life right at one of the men. She immediately hollers "FORE" and as the man turns to face her he goes down in a heap, hands clutched to his groin.
She of course feels terrible and goes down on a cart to apologize. She finds him writhing on the ground in pain, hands still in his groin and offers to help. He says "No, I'll be alright.", but she persists and says "I'm a Physical Therapist, and I really can help." to which he again replies "No, I'll be fine.".
Finally she just can't take it anymore and bends down, unzips him, reaches in and begins to massage his groin area and says "There now, doesn't that feel better." to which he replies "Yes, that feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken!"0 -
FFNewDay said:Made my day!
Gary,
Thank you sooooo much for creating this thread. After a week of being poked and prodded, doctor appointments, and tests, I really look forward to Friday funnies. You never fail to crack me up. Just one of the reasons you are a valuable member here.
Kathy
How about starting FF 2. This one is getting long to scroll thru.
Donna0
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