losing a father at 18 years old

My father passed away July 22nd 2012 2012. My father had cancer he had a rare type of cancer. He was a strong man he used walk for miles and miles so healthy. He got diagnosed for cancer in January 2012 he battled with constant pain from 2011 July to 2012 July 12 months for pain and suffering my father went through. Doctors couldn't find where the cancer was coming from.  Me and my mum looked after my father when his treatment for cancer started the chemo killed him from 15 stone man to a 7 stone man he felt Ashamed Of what he had become. When hefirst got diagnosed besides my mum and eldest brother no one else got told. I found out by searching up his tablets on google we used to get phone calls from chemo unit at hospital. When I found out about the cancer I never asked him to scared Of what he might say. One day I finished from college 2nd year of a levels. I came home in a bad mood, and I shouted at my father the same day he had come back from his chemo. When I worked out the dates that he had his chemo and I remembered the day I shouted at him, it just clicked that the day i shouted by my father was the day he had his first dose of chemo. My heart sank I cried for ages thinking I wonder wat was going through inside his head. I never shout at my father I worship the ground he walked on. I loved him soooo much. Time went on the pain my father went through was immense I couldn't bear it losing his hair, constant bladder pain, vomiting, gas and wind pain, feet and hands swelling up. My father suffered through so much pain,, that whenever he cried he asked for gods forgiveness in case he was being punished for wrongdoing. But my father never hurt a ant. I love him. On July 19 he got admitted, I never knew that these 3 days would be an end to his life, the pain he went through. When he used to suffer from pain my dad used to cry and cry asking for mercy, telling me if he ever died I would never let go off him or ever let him be put in the coffin. Me and my mother cared for him so much my mother used to stay with him night and day, so did I. I used to help put clothes on put cream on his legs and massage his legs, I used to take him to the toilet in his last days and I could tell that he was embarrassed he used to say I've not got long left and I will be it out of ur wat l I used to say to him, I'm ur daughter it's my job I used to say. I miss his words when I used to Come from college he used to say "is my daughter here" there's was never a day when he never said these words. The day I lost him I felt empty and always in a bad mood losing my dad I was only 18 years of age. I miss him like crazy I've always had a special bond with him I've always got a long with him more than mum. But guess that's life u lose the ones u love the most, but one thing i know from the bottom of my heart I cared for my father to the best of my ability I used to wash his face, we laughed we joked. His last months I was close to him soo much. There not a day when I don't cry for him at times I cry like crazy, I can't cope when I think of him I can't get over his pain and grief. I regret the fact that I never told him that I loved him that's the one thing I regret but I think he knew how much I did loved him.I don't understand why he had to go he never saw my wedding or my kids that's wat hurts the most. People say when time goes on the pain of losing lost one goes but no it doesn't everyday as time goes by it hurts the most a birthday a wedding I think only if he was here with me. I loved my father but pain won't go it like someone stabbed me constantly. I don't understandq anymore I feel so vulnerable, the man that used to care for me has vanished the man that never let me out of his sight, has been snatched from me. The fact I won't never see him again kills me. One thing I will never love a person the way I loved my dad, not even my kids I would never give so much love to anyone else. He was special man and still is. I love him soo much, but I cant cope anymore life without him is unbearable. I have no strength I'm young only 18 I've lost a father to cancer.