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whitneytheartist said:

Thank you!
Hi Jim, Thank you so much for posting that wonderful article. Wow! I was diagnosed three weeks ago with Large B Cell Diffuse Mediastinal Lymphoma and started my first cycle of Chemo two weeks ago. Three weeks and a day ago I was completely young, strong and looking forward to a wonderful summer with my family. Life changed in a day!
Thanks again, Whitney

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3 said:

Spot On !

Jim,

Your forwarded article, to be short, was so packed with insight. I had not read it until today.

I noticed several behaviors while I was sick that parallel things mentioned there, and wonder if others have encountered this as well.

1. I did not know at the time, but my two kids, who where (and still are) teenagers, were very much uninformed about my condition and prognosis. I felt guilty when I discovered this, and wished that I had given them more detailed information. My wife and I had thought that we were "protecting" them by mnimizing things, and saying that I was "fine" (undoubtedly the most meaningless term in the English language). When you are in late stage cancer, you are not "fine", regardless of prognosis, and everyone knows it.

2. Many people, especially ones you know only a little or casually, will be afraid to approach or ask or say anything. We were leaving church one day, and a mother of kids at our school whom we knew fairly well, pulled my wife aside discretely, while I walked on out to the car. I asked my wife when she got out, "What did Mrs so-and-so want?" She said, "She wanted to know how you were -- if you are OK." It was a guestion the woman most likely would have never asked me directly. I found this to be quite common. But, if you do give a casual friend an opening, they will ask questions, as if they crave insight. Not in a prying way, but because cancer is a mystery to many.

3. This is UNSPOKEN, but I have detected an undercurrent among some whom do not know you well having an attitude of "Oh. I heard you have late-stage cancer. How long until you are dead ?" They will NOT USE THESE WORDS, but you can sort of read their thughts. I have seen this even among non-oncology medical personnel. Sommetimes it will be from, say, of an RN, who might say something like, "Hodgkins diseae. Used to be a lot of our pients died from that, but treatments are much better today", or "What is the prognosis for that, do you have a very good chance for survival?" They cloak the question with "clinical garb', in effect.

4. A sub-response of #3 is the person (it can seem mean-spirited, and perhaps is) who will in effect, at least indirectly, ask if you have relapsed, or if you might. They will spontanoeously mention a friend with a disease similiar to your, and describe how they were in remission, but then "relapsed and died quickly." The message there is not subtle.

Most folks, I guess, are kind and well-intended. I studied a lot of interrogation psychology, deception techniques, and body language in the military. I have been polygraphed many, many times, so maybe I am more sensitized to these things than most. I don't know, but I would be intersted if any of you have sensed these responses from the people around you.

max

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