Cried like a baby.

Awww
Jamie! I had this big long post about crying is the body's way of letting you have a socially acceptable temper tantrum and how I dealt with all chemo and rad treatments by driving myself so I could cry and turn up my music REALLY LOUD and the whole darn post went Poof!

Long story short, tell someone at the treatment center "I'm scared. Please help me be not scared" your fear is very valid, and telling them that gives them what they need to help you. They will know that they can help you. It's not like you're saying to them "I'm freaked out cos I can't make the house payment this month" That, they wouldn't know what to do with, LOL!

so, don't feel bad about crying. You're in the fight of your life, you're scared beyond belief. Try not to let it overwhelm you. Try to give "fear" a time limit every day. Say "OK, I'm gonna allow myself to be TOTALLY FREAKIN' FREAKED OUT for 5 minutes." Howl at the sun. And then, set the time and let 'er rip! Timer goes "ding", you again gain control of your life. Of course, your mileage may vary. But at least it's an attempt to let yourself feel in control.

Rock music is best to cry to. Most classical is, also. It's so beautiful. When I went in for my mastectomy, I left a post-it note on my soon-to-be-gone bewb. Lyrics from Rehabs's "Last Tatoo....this will be my last tatoo...to cover the memory of something I thought I'd always need...cover it's spot with a smoking gum." My surgeon totally got it, laughed and asked if I wanted a tat that said "Mam" on the scar! So funny! Remember, some of this cancer **** is funny.

It's ok to be afraid. It's NORMAL to be afraid. Just try not to let it rule your life...if only for 5 minutes a day. Good luck. I'll be thinking of, and playing some loud music, for you today.

blu

I am so sorry no one
I am so sorry no one comforted you...I KNOW NOT THEIR JOB but it is their job to be HUMAN! I wish we could have all been there with you...at bit of compassion can go a LONG way!..I THINK THEY should think about if patient was one of there family members>

Denise

salls41 said:

I was the cryer
at the infusion center! Unlike you, I had the BEST nurses.. I cried so hard the first time I went in for my chemo. Before I knew it every nurse in the unit came by, introduced herself, patted my hand and assured me I would be ok. I had one nurse from the Ukraine who came over and put her hand over mine and prayed out loud for my peace and my healing. Well.. I cried the first time they accessed my port... I cried the first time they accessed my port and it took a few seconds to get it to work.. I cried when I took my laptop and watched a movie during infusion.. and I cried on my last day at the infusion center because I was leaving the great group. Don't feel bad about crying, you body needed that release. I am just so sorry you have insensitive nurses!! If you need to cry... send me a crying message, I will be glad to hold your virtual hand!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Sandy

Jamie....
You're crying is normal...you're Not a cry baby...human reaction to what you're going through...have your oncologist or NP give you a Rx for the numbing cream,before your next infusion, to put on the port so you won't have the pain of accessing it...I put it on before chemo, about 1-2 hours before I go..I glop it on, then cut a square of press and seal to keep it in place and off your clothes....I have yet to feel them access my port...then ask them to use the spray too for added numbness!!!!

Try thinking that each chemo is designed to help you......I always think, get in there chemo and do your thing! I can't remember your stage, I'm stage IV....and doing really well with Avastin+Carboplatin...and now only have chemo every 3 weeks instead of every 2 wks.

Please, just in case, don't drive yourself...you never know about a delayed reaction...better safe than sorry..when I started back on chemo in March, my first two infusions also included Gemczar (sp?) ..I felt fine when we left the cancer center...we were half way home when all of a sudden, I literally could not breathe! I thought I was dying....horrifying...my husband called on his cell the cancer center, they told him to get Benadryl in me pronto...took it and then could breathe..same thing with the second infusion...even though they kept me after the infusion, with oxygen ready if I needed it..again, felt fine until half way home...had the Benadryl, thankfully...my MO eliminated the Gemczar ...he picked the right one to eliminate...had no problem, since...my point is, I don't know what I would have done if I had been driving....

Sorry, I'm rambling...get the Rx for the numbing cream before your next infusion....
Wishing you better days...
Hugs, Nancy

CypressCynthia said:

You remind me of my first
You remind me of my first ever appointment with a psychiatrist. I cried the whole visit and didn't think I was depressed...lol. Next visit, no crying and a world of difference. Even the sky appeared a bluer color and I swear there were no hallucinogenics involved.

The statistics on cancer and depression are not good (up to at least 25% clinically depressed). I feel strongly that treating the emotional side is nearly as important as the chemo and the rest of our treatments. I now only take a very small amount (1/2 lowest dose) of lexapro and that seems to really help me stay on an even keel. I do really have to watch what I eat as I seem to tend to gain weight on it. But I personally don't feel that I could battle this without my little bit of antidepressant.

Jamie, I sincerely hope that you have the same positive experience and are feeling better soon! Big (((hugs)))!!!

Oh, Jaime--that is not unusual
When I was re-diagnosed to Stage 4 and had to have rads again to my spine, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as soon as I entered that room. The flood of memories and the fact that I'd hoped I'd never have to see that room again were overwhelming.

I think the fact that we've been through it before, and are having to do it again (although maybe in a different way) are enough to make anyone break down into tears.

But, in reading your last sentence, I know this will get better for you. You are Jaime, the warrior, and you will not only survive, but thrive.

Hugs, Renee

laughs_a_lot said:

You have been through so much
Having a disease threaten your life is a depressing thing. I had depression prior to bc as it tends to run in my family. You've heard the expression "The straw that broke the camel's back." No one would give a second thought to being treated for diabetes or high blood pressure. There is no shame in being depressed whether it is temporary or longstanding. Sometimes people don't know what to do when they see another cry. My typical reaction is this. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Often the answer is no but just aknowleging that you have something going on is a kindness. I hope this is the kind of reaction you get if you cry again.

I disagree
with laughs-a-lot. Being diagnosed with diabetes is a shocker too. There are a lot of changes that come with it and some "but I don't want to"s. The same as cancer? No, but it is not benign either. FWIW, I have both.

But about crying through treatment, oh yes. I didn't have chemo but when I was in the doctors office and realized that I would not be having reconstruction and I had to fight to get the non cancerous breast removed, I had a total melt down. And that is so not me. But apparently that is what I needed to do and so be it. At this point in the battle, you need to do what you need to do. You _are_ doing chemo which is what you need to do and if it is lubricated with tears, so? I hope you find someone in your circle or at the center to comfort you however.
And if you are used to being the strong one, like so many of us, *LET* them comfort you.

(((hugs)))

Maureen

I read your post in my infusion chair while getting Taxotere
I cried with you. It just seems that some days we are having to go it alone no matter how much we cry out for help, and other days everyone steps up and is kind and sympathetic. I went through that too at the hospital with all of the biopsies and tests. I couldn't understand why it went up and down like that. So glad you posted, because we will put our "virtual" arms around you and care for you.

Its good that you have some advice from the sisters in pink that have gone through similar chemo experiences to help you through it, too. At the time I read your post I was recovering from a severe allergic reaction to my 1st Taxotere infusion. 5 nurses, Benedryl and Morphine in the IV and and hour and a half later they started it back up with a slower drip and added Zantac for the reaction. Oh boy did that scare me. The pain was unbearable and I was moaning like a baby, heartrate way up. I can imagine how it would have felt if they had been unkind like your experience. But they were wonderful, and you will have wonderful nurses again too...just watch and see.

We love you sister!
Rebecca

All I want to do is hug you
All I want to do is hug you and tell you things will look better soon. I cry more on here than I do anywhere because I read post from woman I don't know but are so strong. I want to be part of that circle of strong woman who know that crying is not a weekness but a strength.

I am sorry for your bad experience but like the others have said speak-up and tell your team "I'm having a tough time here so please guide me through this". I got frustrated when my nurse started to freeze my port and I told her it burns after you stick it. Her response was the alcohol must be burning some. So I ask does this happen alot as she started to walk away. HELLLOOO, don't dismiss me cause I'm not one to sitback and be ignored. I was scared out of my mind even if I have my husband with me, I want answers and comfort. LOL Don't worry I didn't say that last part but that is how I am. Anyway she made sure to come check on me and asked if it was still burning and then said she was sorry if she came across hurried but they were short handed and couldn't spend the time with me like she would have normally. Next time she was great.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please really listen to your team but mainly your body so it can heal the way it is meant to. God bless you.

Jackie

Txrosebud said:

All I want to do is hug you
All I want to do is hug you and tell you things will look better soon. I cry more on here than I do anywhere because I read post from woman I don't know but are so strong. I want to be part of that circle of strong woman who know that crying is not a weekness but a strength.

I am sorry for your bad experience but like the others have said speak-up and tell your team "I'm having a tough time here so please guide me through this". I got frustrated when my nurse started to freeze my port and I told her it burns after you stick it. Her response was the alcohol must be burning some. So I ask does this happen alot as she started to walk away. HELLLOOO, don't dismiss me cause I'm not one to sitback and be ignored. I was scared out of my mind even if I have my husband with me, I want answers and comfort. LOL Don't worry I didn't say that last part but that is how I am. Anyway she made sure to come check on me and asked if it was still burning and then said she was sorry if she came across hurried but they were short handed and couldn't spend the time with me like she would have normally. Next time she was great.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please really listen to your team but mainly your body so it can heal the way it is meant to. God bless you.

Jackie

Dear Sweet Sister, Jamie!
Everyone has offer such great advise ...and I echo them all. As
wonderful as we all are, I think I am not going out on a limb by saying none of
us ever wanted to be HERE~ battling with, and talking about Cancer. It has
affected so much of our lives, as you know only too well.

We are supportive, try to enlighten fellow WARRIORS with out experience, or comfort
the bottom line is, we have all been altered by this disease.

The difficulties, memories and scars that are a part of our new 'normal', from our first go around, now becomes our first thoughts as we enter the chemo rooms, Oncologist
office, or wait for those test results. Tears are cathartic for us all!

Jamie, You have your grrrr on, no doubt about it! I am so proud of you, and
have no question that you will emerge victorious!

Gentle hugs as well as tears for you,

Vicki Sam

jamiegww said:

Just want to thank everyone!
You all reminded me that I'm not ever alone in this battle. Next time I will try to picture you all dancing around, doing cartwheels, and maybe a little karaoke. I wasn't feeling well yesterday but I think I had a little infection going on (not sure if it was from the port or the burn I got Wednesday when my arm got too friendly with the hot oven door). The antibiotic must have kicked in because I feel much better this morning. I think I am almost standing up straight today...Yipee. For now, I need to go back to taking it one day at a time instead of trying to look too far ahead. Today is a good day (for which I am grateful) and tomorrow may or may not be a good day but I'm not going to worry about it until tomorrow. Bless you all for helping me through this!!!

HUGS!!!
Jamie

Jamie, I'm so glad to hear
Jamie, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better today. We are all allowed to have those days when we are just overwhelmed with emotions, and the release of crying is healing. I hope each day continues to get better and better for you.

Hugs,

Linda

Gabe N Abby Mom said:

Jamie, I'm so glad to hear
Jamie, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better today. We are all allowed to have those days when we are just overwhelmed with emotions, and the release of crying is healing. I hope each day continues to get better and better for you.

Hugs,

Linda

I didn't have chemo
I didn't have chemo or radiation but believe me I would cry the first time the second time and so on.I wouldn't stop crying till they told me the cancer was GONE.

Cry plus Pray.Praying gets me through alot and crying is natural for those with cancer.I am a 3 year survivor and still have my private moments of crying.

Wishing you the very best. So many on here have gone through chemo more than once and doing good.I am so happy for them and want the same for you.

Lynn Smith