Friday funnies...
Comments
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Friday Funniesgarym said:EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your **** tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Great wisdom in these words and funny too. Plus it's Friday. Thanks Gary!0 -
Friday Funniesalice124 said:Friday Funnies
Great wisdom in these words and funny too. Plus it's Friday. Thanks Gary!
An old one but it is Friday after all!
Businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 19 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.
"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.
The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa . You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right,"
says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is a stroke 17, You don't get a shot here."
And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!0 -
Its Monday so I'm a little slow...Texas_wedge said:Friday Funnies
An old one but it is Friday after all!
Businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 19 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.
"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.
The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa . You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right,"
says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is a stroke 17, You don't get a shot here."
And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!
These are sentences exactly as typed by National Health Service medical secretaries:
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.0 -
Gary's a little slowgarym said:Its Monday so I'm a little slow...
These are sentences exactly as typed by National Health Service medical secretaries:
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Gary, have you considered remedial education?
Where do you get these from? My Wife protested that my guffaws were disturbing her concentration in another room and I nearly did myself an injury trying to keep quiet when reading quite a few of them.0 -
Too funnyTexas_wedge said:Gary's a little slow
Gary, have you considered remedial education?
Where do you get these from? My Wife protested that my guffaws were disturbing her concentration in another room and I nearly did myself an injury trying to keep quiet when reading quite a few of them.
I'm going to have to avoid this thread for a while. This was just too funny and it hurts to laugh right now.
Kathy0 -
Buy Apple Stock!alice124 said:funnies
Fridays with laughter,perfect recipe for the weekend. Very cute.
While I was a little hesitant to post this, my husband--John--asked that I share this stock tip...
___________________________
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.0 -
Apple...alice124 said:Buy Apple Stock!
While I was a little hesitant to post this, my husband--John--asked that I share this stock tip...
___________________________
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
I suppose its stereo or surround sound depending on, well you get the picture.0 -
??????????alice124 said:Buy Apple Stock!
While I was a little hesitant to post this, my husband--John--asked that I share this stock tip...
___________________________
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Do you know what will happen to my tweeter?0 -
...and thats when the fight started...garym said:Its Monday so I'm a little slow...
These are sentences exactly as typed by National Health Service medical secretaries:
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
…and that's when the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "he's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
…and that's when the fight started.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's
back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
"I bought her a bathroom scale.
…and that's when the fight started.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She
said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible.
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
…and that's when the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
…and that's when the fight started.0 -
and that's when the fight startedgarym said:...and thats when the fight started...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
…and that's when the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "he's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
…and that's when the fight started.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's
back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
"I bought her a bathroom scale.
…and that's when the fight started.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She
said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
…and that's when the fight started.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible.
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
…and that's when the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
…and that's when the fight started.
I came in from a day’s shopping and caught my husband watching porn. As I entered the room, he quickly changed the channel to golf.
I stopped in my tracks and asked him, “Why not put it back on the pornography channel? You already know how to play golf.”
And that’s when the fight started. . .0 -
the fight goes onalice124 said:and that's when the fight started
I came in from a day’s shopping and caught my husband watching porn. As I entered the room, he quickly changed the channel to golf.
I stopped in my tracks and asked him, “Why not put it back on the pornography channel? You already know how to play golf.”
And that’s when the fight started. . .
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I have not been in a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.
And that's when the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..
And that's when the fight started….
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started…0 -
aditya fighteraditya_fighter said:the fight goes on
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I have not been in a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.
And that's when the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..
And that's when the fight started….
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started…
You've now shown beyond doubt that you belong here
0 -
After closing time at the barTexas_wedge said:aditya fighter
You've now shown beyond doubt that you belong here
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock - seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'you idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
__________________0 -
Andy Rooney on sex...toolman1 said:After closing time at the bar
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock - seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'you idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
__________________
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
7. Virginity can be cured.
8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
9. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A little early, but I won't be around tomorrow...keep laughing0 -
Nothing Funny Today?garym said:Andy Rooney on sex...
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
7. Virginity can be cured.
8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
9. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A little early, but I won't be around tomorrow...keep laughing
Bumping this thread back up hoping somebody can provide some laughs.0 -
Here is one for the weekend jobs arround the house :-)NewDay said:Nothing Funny Today?
Bumping this thread back up hoping somebody can provide some laughs.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”0 -
Today's funnyenae said:Here is one for the weekend jobs arround the house :-)
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Well, Kathy, despite Gary having not yet noticed it's Friday, you got your wish, thanks to Ena! A bit more weekend therapy would be welcome - how about it Gary?0 -
Got oneTexas_wedge said:Today's funny
Well, Kathy, despite Gary having not yet noticed it's Friday, you got your wish, thanks to Ena! A bit more weekend therapy would be welcome - how about it Gary?
I'm bad at repeating jokes, but I'll try. Borrowing this one from my pastor.
He preached a sermon at a church where he talked about whether all stories in the bible should be taken literally, such as whether Jonah actually was swallowed by a whale. After the service, a woman gave him a scolding saying "You shouldn't say such things. Of course Jonah was swallowed by a whale just as the bible says." He said "Well, I'll ask him when I get to heaven". She said "What if he didn't go to heaven?" He said "Then you can ask him."0 -
Mutual trustNewDay said:Got one
I'm bad at repeating jokes, but I'll try. Borrowing this one from my pastor.
He preached a sermon at a church where he talked about whether all stories in the bible should be taken literally, such as whether Jonah actually was swallowed by a whale. After the service, a woman gave him a scolding saying "You shouldn't say such things. Of course Jonah was swallowed by a whale just as the bible says." He said "Well, I'll ask him when I get to heaven". She said "What if he didn't go to heaven?" He said "Then you can ask him."
A male dentist was removing a lady's tooth.
He said: Maam, you are holding my balls!
She said: I know! Its just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other.
TRUST is the most important virtue in any relationship!
You must be 100% sure that SHE won't tell your wife.0 -
Since there’s been a lapseNewDay said:Nothing Funny Today?
Bumping this thread back up hoping somebody can provide some laughs.
Since there’s been a lapse in Gary’s Friday funnies, my bet is Gary’s away taking a well deserved vacation or road trip. So I’m going to try and help the void and contribute an old favorite.
_____________________________
It was Parents Day hosted by Ms. Long’s fourth grade class in a Bronx elementary school. Mrs. Long had just completed reviewing the five basic senses with the class. She then talked about how we often use the different senses in tandem with each other. To illustrate how the sense of taste and sight work together, she asked for volunteers.
Several hands went up including little Johnny. Johnny came from a difficult family life and was known for a raunchy mouth and inappropriate answers, Ms. Long decided he was one volunteer she would stay away from, particularly with parents in the classroom. So she called on Mary. Mary came to the front of the class and was blindfolded. After blindfolding, Mrs. Long placed a cherry lifesaver in her mouth and asked Mary to tell the class what was in her mouth. Mary sucked on the lifesaver and said, “I don’t know Ms. Long.” Ms. Long encouraged her to keep trying and Mary finally said, “it kind of tastes like a cherry lifesaver.” Mrs. Long said, “excellent” and Mary returned to her seat. She then asked for a second volunteer and Bobby came forward. This time Mrs. Long put a lemon drop in his mouth, and after some difficulty, Bobby identified it correctly.
She then asked for a third volunteer. Again little Johnny’s hand was quickly in the air but was ignored, and Robby was chosen to come forward. After blindfolding, Ms. Long placed a Hershey’s kiss in his mouth and Robby began sucking on it. However, after several incorrect guesses, Ms. Long told Robby she would give him a hint.
She said “it’s something your mommy gives your daddy every night before she goes to bed.” With that, little Johnny jumped from his seat yelling, “Spit it out. It’s a piece of ****.”0
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