Friday funnies...
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were
not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed
nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for
leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her
theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I
came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot
was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then
I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and
it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."
Yep . . . it's the golden years!
-----------------------------------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day
the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
the mirror.
Comments
-
fridays joke 2 days latedonna_lee said:Truth is weirder than fiction
I couldn't find my keys this morning- not in my purse. Looked in the front door lock, on the outside, and there they were.
"anonymous"
donna_lee
A woman gives birth to twin boys. Unfortunately, she has to give them up for adoption. One son is adopted by an Egyptian family. They named him Amal. The other boy is adopted by a Spanish family. They named him Juan. Years later, Juan decides to get in touch with his birth mother and sends her a picture of himself. As she looks at it she says to her husband, "boy, I wish I had a picture of my other son Amal also." Her husband says," You don't need 2 pictures. They are identical twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"0 -
jokefoxhd said:fridays joke 2 days late
A woman gives birth to twin boys. Unfortunately, she has to give them up for adoption. One son is adopted by an Egyptian family. They named him Amal. The other boy is adopted by a Spanish family. They named him Juan. Years later, Juan decides to get in touch with his birth mother and sends her a picture of himself. As she looks at it she says to her husband, "boy, I wish I had a picture of my other son Amal also." Her husband says," You don't need 2 pictures. They are identical twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
hehehe0 -
Another set of twinssunlover_56 said:joke
hehehe
Recently an eight month pregnant woman was rushed to the hospital by her brother in law after a minor accident. Her husband was overseas in the Marines. As soon as she got there she delivered a set of heathy twins, a girl and a boy. She however went back into a deep sleep after the delivery. The next day she woke up and was told that her brother in law had to give names to the babies. She screamed and yelled knowing the brother in law was an idiot. She asked for the name of the girl and was told he named her Deniece. Oh how nice. I didn't think he could come up with such a nice name. And the boy's name. Denephew.
Icemantoo0 -
Haicemantoo said:Another set of twins
Recently an eight month pregnant woman was rushed to the hospital by her brother in law after a minor accident. Her husband was overseas in the Marines. As soon as she got there she delivered a set of heathy twins, a girl and a boy. She however went back into a deep sleep after the delivery. The next day she woke up and was told that her brother in law had to give names to the babies. She screamed and yelled knowing the brother in law was an idiot. She asked for the name of the girl and was told he named her Deniece. Oh how nice. I didn't think he could come up with such a nice name. And the boy's name. Denephew.
Icemantoo
And the new mother was asked what she named her baby. She said the nurses had already named her. What was the name, and she replied, "Fe-ma-le."
donna_lee0 -
LOL LOLdonna_lee said:Ha
And the new mother was asked what she named her baby. She said the nurses had already named her. What was the name, and she replied, "Fe-ma-le."
donna_lee
You got us rolling around and laughing on the floor today.
Thanks for the laughs everyone..Laughter is great medicine..
littledarlin....0 -
more laughslittledarlin said:LOL LOL
You got us rolling around and laughing on the floor today.
Thanks for the laughs everyone..Laughter is great medicine..
littledarlin....
An elderly woman was sipping on a glass of good wine and spending quality time with her husband on their patio. She says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you. He looks deep in her eyes and asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me. . . talking to the wine."0 -
Blondesalice124 said:more laughs
An elderly woman was sipping on a glass of good wine and spending quality time with her husband on their patio. She says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you. He looks deep in her eyes and asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me. . . talking to the wine."
Two blondes were walking in the woods.. they came apon a set of tracks. The first blonde said they were deer tracks. The second blonde swore they were moose tracks. They were both still arguing about it when the train hit them!!0 -
Blondessunlover_56 said:Blondes
Two blondes were walking in the woods.. they came apon a set of tracks. The first blonde said they were deer tracks. The second blonde swore they were moose tracks. They were both still arguing about it when the train hit them!!
Good one! How are you doing? I've been thinking of you. Email me if you prefer.0 -
Alicealice124 said:Blondes
Good one! How are you doing? I've been thinking of you. Email me if you prefer.
I am doing good. Thank you for asking. I still have my weekend job and have been applying to a few places but nothing yet.. Thats ok for now. I am getting my unemployment. After everything I have been through since Sept (flood, cancer, etc) I am kinda just trying to enjoy life a little. The inside of my home is pretty much done. I just need baseboards. I am just now getting back some interest in fixing up my front porch and patio, which were also a mess from the flood. I bought some new lawn furniture, flowers and such. It feels good to get some of my "get up and go" back .. lol..My first scan is in August. I am trying not to think to much about it, but I do have confidence it will be NED. It has to be, right? lol My dad starts his treatment for his bladder cancer on the 29th. Praying that all goes well. They are going to inject through a cathetor (sp) directing into his bladder the live TB virus. Strange huh. Doc tells us that is effective on bladder cancer ..hmmmmm go figure. Sorry I havent posted back sooner on my life thus far. But I do come here every day and get encouragement from all of you. Thank you
~Judy~0 -
Upbeat Reportsunlover_56 said:Alice
I am doing good. Thank you for asking. I still have my weekend job and have been applying to a few places but nothing yet.. Thats ok for now. I am getting my unemployment. After everything I have been through since Sept (flood, cancer, etc) I am kinda just trying to enjoy life a little. The inside of my home is pretty much done. I just need baseboards. I am just now getting back some interest in fixing up my front porch and patio, which were also a mess from the flood. I bought some new lawn furniture, flowers and such. It feels good to get some of my "get up and go" back .. lol..My first scan is in August. I am trying not to think to much about it, but I do have confidence it will be NED. It has to be, right? lol My dad starts his treatment for his bladder cancer on the 29th. Praying that all goes well. They are going to inject through a cathetor (sp) directing into his bladder the live TB virus. Strange huh. Doc tells us that is effective on bladder cancer ..hmmmmm go figure. Sorry I havent posted back sooner on my life thus far. But I do come here every day and get encouragement from all of you. Thank you
~Judy~
Judy,
You sound wonderful; your entire attitude seems rejuvenated. It sounds like your energy level is back to where it was (how else could you be doing all that work?) and you sound upbeat, positive, and confident. You'll be a huge help to your dad; you're now an experienced survivor.
I'm with you on being confident your scan on August 1 will be NED.
P.S. Any chance you'll be Baltimore when you're done with your house? I've been making a list of all the things I need to get done at home--but I'll end up pumping up the service economy. I've always wanted to be one of the DIY handywomen, but have failed miserably. So carpenters, painters, etc. I'll be calling. . .0 -
Only for irreverent bikersalice124 said:Upbeat Report
Judy,
You sound wonderful; your entire attitude seems rejuvenated. It sounds like your energy level is back to where it was (how else could you be doing all that work?) and you sound upbeat, positive, and confident. You'll be a huge help to your dad; you're now an experienced survivor.
I'm with you on being confident your scan on August 1 will be NED.
P.S. Any chance you'll be Baltimore when you're done with your house? I've been making a list of all the things I need to get done at home--but I'll end up pumping up the service economy. I've always wanted to be one of the DIY handywomen, but have failed miserably. So carpenters, painters, etc. I'll be calling. . .
Subject: The Harley-Davidson Motorcycle
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur , 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.0 -
Only for irreverent bikersTexas_wedge said:Only for irreverent bikers
Subject: The Harley-Davidson Motorcycle
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur , 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
May be a biker joke but made me giggle :-)0 -
Golf...
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"0 -
Pun-ographygarym said:Golf...
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Be kind to your dentist - he has fillings, too.0 -
E. D.garym said:Pun-ography
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Be kind to your dentist - he has fillings, too.
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle ...0 -
hehe.. I love itgarym said:E. D.
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle ...
hehe.. I love it0 -
Leading linesunlover_56 said:hehe.. I love it
hehe.. I love it
Every time I see the word Yosemite, I'm reminded of my now 46 year old school teacher daughter when she was learning to read. She talked about "Yo-sah-mite." When I told her second grade teacher she was teaching primary and special ed, the teacher looked dumbfounded, because "K" had never had much patience. Hey, they do grow up and find their niche.
Hope the 4th was a good day for all.
donna_lee0 -
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:garym said:E. D.
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle ...
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your **** tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."0
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