I feel so guilty...

Vent Away
I am one of those who lost my husband after a six year battle. I'm not offended at all. You are grieving for the life you expected. The one you had before cancer entered your life. Now you know that you are mortal beings, and that is scary. You're right, your lives will never be the same. Cancer changes so many things. Now you have to wonder what the next test or scan will show. You both live in fear that this monster will come back. You're lashing out at her because she is the most important person in your life. You are tired and scared. Sounds pretty normat to me. Sure, there are times when all of us caregivers get mad. Sometimes we want to run away from home. Sometimes we blame the person instead of the disease. We know it's not reasonable. Ok, so vent. This is a good place to do that. Talk to your partner when you are calm. Hopefully, you are able to share your feelings while admitting that you know they aren't reasonable. You have both been pushing hard to beat the cancer. Now, work on building your new life together. No, it won't be the same. It might even be better. Blessing, Fay

Hugs
Hello and please know you are welcome here.
I agree with what the other have said and you are human.

Make sure you have some time for you to take care of yourself
and have some "normal" space/time. I realize that is very difficult
during these times but caregivers need this.

Sending you big cyber hugs and one helluva
sphincter butt kick to cancer - it sucks.

Jim

specialist22002 said:

thank you for taking the
thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.. i really didn't expect anyone to answer...

special
Dont think for a minute that your alone, I'm mad as hell that getting to grow old together has been shot down in a ball of flames, sitting of the front porch and watching the grand kids play, it aint gonna happen. You cant make your friend feel any more guilty than she already does. She is just as mad and wants to run away just as fast. take the time you have and make the best of it. No one knows when there time is going to be up. be a tuff cupcake and keep on keepin on.

specialist22002 said:

I also am not proud of my
I also am not proud of my thoughts.. i can't stop crying reading the posts that people have left.. you are all so kind.. you have stated the thoughts that i could not say out loud.. thank you for listening and hearing me.

unforgettable rage
I cared for my rather high maintenance mother for three years. I flared at her rarely, always wanting to protect her from additional pain, but my private periods of rage were unforgettable. I remember screaming and banging the wall when nobody was at home. I have never felt such extreme anger and frustration ever, and it was about the day to day craziness, not the big picture.

Mom has been gone a month and I'm feeling okay with it. I did the best I could. Wishing the same for you.

I am the patient, my
I am the patient, my husband, my wonderful caregiver of 18 years.

I am not offended by your post. I would worry about you if you DIDN'T get angry at your partner from time to time and/or blame her because of what you are going through. That is normal. You want your "old" life back. No one told you that this was going to happen and yet it did. You have no sense of "normal" and you just want 5 minutes away from all of this. Sound familiar? My husband has his moments too.

Now think about it from her point of view. Her world as she knows it has been turned upside down and it will NEVER be the same again. Oh sure, you can have the therapies and treatments, but she has been violently attacked and there was nothing she could have done to stop it. She feels violated and she just wants her "normal" to return.

I have bad news for the both of you. It ain't happening. Oh sure, you get a "new" normal, but not the old one. But she LIVED. She is a survivor and she is still in the biggest battle of her life. I guarantee you that she doesn't know from one day to the next how she will feel and she feels terrible about it. She wants normal more than you do and she feels terrible because she can't give it to you.

But you can work through the emotions and the bad feelings. I would encourage you to take time for yourself (if you aren't already). Therapy also works wonders. My husband and I go to counseling together and it has helped us tremendously. I would also encourage you to spend some time with people who aren't "in the system". Go to the movies, dinner, museums, coffee house, etc. to get some time with normal people.

I would also advise you to remmeber that your partner did not ask for this and it is okay for you to be angry. Just make sure you remember that it is the cancer you are angry at, not your partner.

JennZieser said:

My husband and I just
My husband and I just celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary on Thursday. We celebrated by...well...we didn't...he was getting chemo. We've been dealing with cancer for seven years...almost all of our marriage. I get angry at the cancer and am careful to let my husband know that it is the cancer and not him that I am mad at. It's usually the day after chemo that I'm able to let down and get irritated. I love him, I hate the cancer. I guess I'm just saying that your feelings are so normal. It actually was comforting to me to read your post because today is the day after chemo and...well...I'm just getting over being mad about it.

new here and feeling guilty, lonely and scared
My husband of almost 18 years was recently diagnosed with stage iv nasopharangeal cancer. We just retired a couple of years ago. This is not how we envisioned our retirement. We moved here a few years ago and have no family or friends nearby. We thought we would be traveling during our retirement. He is finishing his 4th week of radiation with 3 more to go along with 4 more rounds of chemo, but I am afraid of what is to come. He is so frail and having trouble eating and is getting so upset because he has no energy. I am so afraid I won't be able to take care of him properly and I have no one to talk to. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when he is so sick.

grandmafay said:

Sorry to Welcome You
I am sorry that you are new here. This is a site none of us wanted to be a part of. I lost my husband of 42 years after a 6 year battle with colon cancer. Just the word cancer scares us. I can assure you that your feeling are normal, whatever that is. We, too, had only been retired for a short time when Doug was dx. It wasn't and isn't fair, but as I told my kids life isn't fair. You will find that you are stronger than you think. You will be able to do things you never thought you could. And it is ok to feel sorry for yourself. This is happening to both of you. Come here often. There are many who share your feelings and fear. I only lurk most of the time now. Please feel free to PM me. Take care, Fay

Thank you
My husband passed away on May 31st, 2012 after a 13 year battle with colon cancer. We would have celebrated our first anniversary on June 26th. We dated 20 years ago in college and then fate reunited us three years ago. I knew he was ill but I was determined not to let cancer keep me from the love of my life. I was his sole caregiver and for the most part it was a pleasure. He never "acted" sick and we had a wonderful life together. He was the most incredible stepfather to our three children. In March, the cancer spread to his brain and our world was shattered. He went from surfing, running and biking to being wheelchair-bound. It was a nightmare. I had to shower him, dress him, carry him up and down the stairs, etc. He could no longer even use the bathroom alone. I missed the life we had terribly. I am ashamed to admit it but at times I became very resentful. I was angry at the cancer and the fact that his family did nothing to help us but I took it out on him. I picked stupid fights and complained. I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Since he has been gone, I am completely lost. The guilt I feel is absolutely overwhelming.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way. I hope someday the good memories will overshadow the guilt and sense of failure I am feeling now.

Shanmox said:

Thank you
My husband passed away on May 31st, 2012 after a 13 year battle with colon cancer. We would have celebrated our first anniversary on June 26th. We dated 20 years ago in college and then fate reunited us three years ago. I knew he was ill but I was determined not to let cancer keep me from the love of my life. I was his sole caregiver and for the most part it was a pleasure. He never "acted" sick and we had a wonderful life together. He was the most incredible stepfather to our three children. In March, the cancer spread to his brain and our world was shattered. He went from surfing, running and biking to being wheelchair-bound. It was a nightmare. I had to shower him, dress him, carry him up and down the stairs, etc. He could no longer even use the bathroom alone. I missed the life we had terribly. I am ashamed to admit it but at times I became very resentful. I was angry at the cancer and the fact that his family did nothing to help us but I took it out on him. I picked stupid fights and complained. I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Since he has been gone, I am completely lost. The guilt I feel is absolutely overwhelming.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way. I hope someday the good memories will overshadow the guilt and sense of failure I am feeling now.

Love sent to each one of you !
Hello all,
I was a caregiver for my Mom for a couple of years...but Dad was her primary. They did get to celebrate their 50th anniversary before she left us. I saw my Father go through some pretty horrific decission making, but he was always so gentle with Mom. Dad never cried lol...yeah right...I would hold him, no words of comfort could console him, he was losing his soul mate. 2 yrs., and his lose is still just as raw...but he is making adjustments. We have a big family....but he says in a crowd of loved ones, he still feels so alone. I want to say you're all so needed, but don't ever try to do the primary thing alone...and when and if ever needed bring in hospice. They were invaluable to all of us...especially Mom. Don't ever let the what if's plague you....they all know down deep how much you cared. I now find myself a cancer survivor...and I think oh Mom....how were you so brave. Now can relate on both plains...but am thinking being on the side of care giving is the toughest. All the warmest wishes and good thoughts are sent to each one of you ! Hugs, Katie