letting apartment go

I couldn't do it. I wimped out and asked my husband to talk to David about giving his apartment up. I suggested that he approach it like man to man, in a practical way. Saying that it didn't make good financial sense to keep paying rent when we were getting no use out of the apartment. My husband said to David that down the road, he would need to get an apartment in Salem near us, and then think about going back to Portland later on. I know that none of this fooled David. Larry said that David said, "Okay," and was unemotional about it. I don't know if David doesn't care, if he's just numb, or if the tumors have gotten deeper and have impacted more of the area of his brain that controls his emotions. (The doctors told us that his emotions would be impacted.)

We had to give the apartment up. We can't afford all the extras that David's care requires and pay rent on an apartment that we are not using at all. We had a change in our insurance coverage and we will be paying more for insurance and we have bigger deductibles now too. Plus other costs....I'm sure you all know how that goes.

I am so messed up. I can't believe how hard this hit me. I cried so hard and so long last night. I sat out by my little pond in the dark with my dogs and cried until I couldn't breathe. I tried to talk to my husband but he couldn't understand me because I was crying so hard. I called my other son Dallas and my daughter Christy and made them cry too. I went to bed and stuffed my face in my pillow so David wouldn't know, and I cried and slept a little and cried and slept a little. When I got up this morning, my eyes were so bad--all swollen and bloodshot. I wore sunglasses all day, even in the house. I'm still trying to get over having pneumonia and I felt so sick and weak today. I had promised my granddaughters that I would take them shopping for a birthday gift for their mom, and I walked around the stores like a zombie--miserable and just wanting to go home and be alone to cry some more.

I remember when David and I came home to his apartment from his second craniotomy in Sept. As soon as we walked into his apartment, he felt better. He got out a new jacket that his best friend's girlfriend had bought for him, and he tried it on for me and he was so pleased. He said that he was going to wear it on the first day of college. My poor David....he wanted to go to college so bad and he never got well enough to go back.....

He loved his little neighborhood. Even though Portland is a relatively large city (for Oregon), his area had a real community feel about it. Everyone knew each other....people walked everywhere and were friendly. David walked to the bank, the pharmacy, the grocery store, his Starbucks every morning for coffee and breakfast.....he had his favorite restaurants and a lot of friends in the neighborhood. He loved it so much and he will never get to go back.

He never once got to walk his little puppy in that neighborhood. His downhill slide started the week we picked his puppy up from the breeder. I fought so hard for him to get that dog and I loved dreaming of David walking to Starbucks with his puppy in the mornings, talking with his neighbors and the Starbucks regulars. We had joked about what a cute puppy Jackson was and how he would be such a perfect chick magnet.

I know that my issue isn't really the apartment. It's the whole thing with David, and all the things that David will never regain, will never go back to, will never have. My grief right now is like a total black cloud taking over my life. I can't describe how I feel. My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed. I will never be the same again.

Love and blessings,
Cindy