Lots of thoughts lately

HootieGirl
HootieGirl Member Posts: 85
in Breast Cancer #1
Hi girls!

I'm having such an incredible trip, have met such incredible people, and have visited some pretty incredible places.. but for some reason I am having a hard time clearing my head. For starters, I know my Xeloda is not working. I don't need my doctor to tell me its not working. The evergrowing tumors sticking out of my leg pretty much speak for themselves and serve as a constant reminder that I'm not getting better. The stares aren't fun to deal with either. I know that being one of two people on this cruise under 40 years old makes me stick out like a sore thumb, but its awkward having dozens of geriatrics staring at my bulging scar as I limp around the ship. Don't get me wrong, I feel like this vacation was exactly what I needed and it is honestly a trip of a lifetime, but sometimes it feels like a constant reminder of what I will miss out on in my lifetime. I wish I could pack up my things and work on a cruise ship for a year so I can travel the world and meet tons of fascinating people, but I know that most likely won't happen. This little bit of freedom/escape from real life is such a tease! Part of me wants to never come home so I don't have to deal with more surgery/treatment/bad news. As much fun as it is to go to the doctor every day, I really wish I could continue to explore and enjoy these beautiful countries.

Its weird because I'm very calm about my situation, but I wish I had more time to play so I could deal with all of the serious stuff later. I think the fact that I'm having such an amazing vacation makes it worse because I don't want to come back to real life. I am so hard on myself when I get in these bummed out moods because I feel like I'm being ungrateful for the blessings in my life. I guess I just have to accept that sometimes its okay to be sad and/or disappointed. I still have 2 weeks left, so I'm going to make the most of it! Just wanted to share a little with you ladies because I feel like out of everyone you can understand these rollercoaster emotions. Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!!

Kat

Comments

  • Bella Luna
    Bella Luna Member Posts: 1,578 Member
    #2
    Time in the Sun
    Kat... it's so good to hear from you. I am glad to hear you are having such an incredible time on your vacation. As for your thoughts... I say let them flow. You have gone through so much and continue to do so. It's not easy and I feel for you. Real life might be awaiting you back home; but, until then, you have time to play in the sun and drink in the sights, people, and all that Europe has to offer! I am happy you are sharing this experience with your parents and your boyfriend.

    I may only know you via CSN but I love you, Kat! You are a beautiful young woman. You do your parents PROUD and all your Pink Sisters and Brothers!

    Big Hugs to You.
  • Frankie Shannon
    Frankie Shannon Member Posts: 457
    #3
    Even with your ups and downs
    Even with your ups and downs you sound like your having a wonderful time.just enjoy each day as it comes and let tomorrow take care of it self,just one day at a time,live in the moment.You don't know what the future will bring.Here's hoping for a cure sooner than later.
    Thanks for sharing your trip with us how owsome a trip in a life time,i'm jealous.Keep having a ball.
    Hugs Frankie
  • debi.18
    debi.18 Member Posts: 850 Member
    #4
    Oh Kat...
    Don't be so hard on yourself, with everything on your plate, it is perfectly ok for you to be sad or disappointed. You are not being ungrateful. Like the others said, take it day by day, or minute by minute and enjoy every second of your wonderful trip. As you said - make the most of it.

    You are always in my thoughts - as you know you have become very special to all of us. We really do love you!!

    HAVE FUN!!! Hugs, Debi
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #5
    debi.18 said:

    Oh Kat...
    Don't be so hard on yourself, with everything on your plate, it is perfectly ok for you to be sad or disappointed. You are not being ungrateful. Like the others said, take it day by day, or minute by minute and enjoy every second of your wonderful trip. As you said - make the most of it.

    You are always in my thoughts - as you know you have become very special to all of us. We really do love you!!

    HAVE FUN!!! Hugs, Debi

    I wish...
    I wish I had some great words of wisdom...but what our other pink sisters have said....live for and enjoy today...I, too, feel very maternal towards you...... I'm thankful it's me having stage IV BC rather than my daughter... Try not think about being back home...put one foot in front of the other and seize the day....let tomorrow take care of itself....enjoy the rest of your wonderful trip!

    Please keep us posted...you know we truly care...
    Hugs,Nancy
  • MsGebby
    MsGebby Member Posts: 659
    #6
    Hi Kat
    Soooo...where have you been? Have you a specific place that you absolutely have loved while on this cruise/trip?

    Your note is so moving. At your age, I am so proud of how well you write and how articulate you are. (I am trying to stay off topic....can you tell?)

    I can't wait to see the pictures of your adventure. I've never traveled outside of the states. Heck, I've pretty much only been up and down the east coast! You are so much like my daughter. I call her a gypsy. Why? Because it doesn't matter where life takes her, she just slides in without anyone noticing that she is not "one of them". I wish I had the hookspa (?) to just go wherever my heart leads me and beyond.

    OK .. so ... don't let the folks who don't understand what you are going through bring you down. People are like that. They are scared of the unknown. I know this is not something new to you. When I read your note, I started laughing only because I know I would probably write all over my bump with a marker ... I would write the word BUMP on it. Can you imagine the smiles and laughter these folks would get? It's not funny (the bump) but letting others know YOU KNOW they are staring can make it a bit less awkward. I don't know. I am rambling.

    I wish for you that you take each day by the horns and live each day with excitement and wonderment. Seems to me that you are already doing just that. I tell my daughters this all the time .... Shoot for the moon. If you fail, you will still be among the stars. .... I hope that made you smile.

    Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. AND ... KNOW we are all pulling for you and want you to be happy. Kiss the boyfriend for us. It should keep you busy for a while. hehe

    Love you from afar,

    Mary
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #7
    Kat it is good to hear from you
    I take it your boyfriend has not joined you yet on your trip. When he does I am sure it will spice itup for you. I hope you can leave all of what you have to look forward to when you get home, at home for the rest of your trip, it certainly isn't going anywhere. I think we do get your roller coaster ride.
    Enjoy this trip in spite of your geriatric co-passengers, they just dont have any idea how amazing you really are. I dont hink you are at all ungrateful. You have been dealt a pretty rough hand at a really ypung age and I am truly amazed at how well you are doing wih it. If you are doing a little hobbling along at times it means that you are most likely not pain free either.

    I hope the rest of your trip is amazing and you get to see and do as much as possible! Cant wait to hear all about the highlights of your trip and all the places you have been!

    Hugs and prayers,
    Carol
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #8
    Kat, I don't have anything
    Kat, I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. Just know that you are very special and you are much loved.

    hugs,

    Linda
  • SIROD
    SIROD Member Posts: 2,194 Member
    #9
    Enjoy The Remaining Time...
    Dear Kat,

    One thing we do know is that we are the first to realize when something isn't working, were all so in tune to our bodies. More so when the signs are visiable. I am sorry Kat that xeloda isn't doing what you had hoped.

    I worked as a tour guide for some years for cruise ships that came to my area. The majority of people were over 40, a good many of them 60+ and although there were some people your age, it wasn't often. Those older people are probably more empathetic towards your situation that you realize. For those who stare, that is inexcusable.

    To be able to visit new places and take advantage of what the cruise offers can be a lot of fun. Working on those ships I imagine can be fun depending on your position but, a lot of it like any other job can become tedious. I always looked forward to a new season but, when the last cruise ship sailed off for that year, I was glad it was over. I often would take a tour or two when I travelled to a different place. I've been on both sides sides of the aisle. Much more fun being the one taking a tour, than giving a tour.

    Vacations are like that, it makes us always want this form of bliss to be forever. In this life, it always ends and we go back to the reality which we don't like. You are being cheated out of the years that is allocated to so many and everyone on this board grieves about it for you. There is no answer for the why. Please don't be so hard on yourself and you are not ungrateful, just a realist.

    Enjoy your time in paradise, knowing we all do understand that roller coaster you are on.

    Best,

    Doris
  • linpsu
    linpsu Member Posts: 747
    #10
    Kat
    Kat - you are an incredible young woman! You have such a wonderful attitude in the face of hardship. Enjoy your cruise - it sounds awesome! We are all praying for you.
    Hugs,
    Linda
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #11
    linpsu said:

    Kat
    Kat - you are an incredible young woman! You have such a wonderful attitude in the face of hardship. Enjoy your cruise - it sounds awesome! We are all praying for you.
    Hugs,
    Linda

    Act on your dream
    Hi Kat,
    Sorry that Xelolda is not working, still there are other actives to try.
    Please do not be hard on yourself it is normal to embracing vacations and not willing to come back. That is why we all have been dreaming about traveling, learning about different cultures, meeting new people,and making new friends. Who wants to see a doctor? go to oncology clinic and discuss cancer treatment? I have not met such people.

    I was in London four years ago, traveling with my husband on a business trip, while tumor was growing under my armpit. I still remember this beautiful city and hoping to visit again.
    Enjoy your amazing time in Europe.
    Hugs
    New Flower
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #12
    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    Kat, I don't have anything
    Kat, I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. Just know that you are very special and you are much loved.

    hugs,

    Linda

    Kat, sending lots of prayers
    Kat, sending lots of prayers and hugs!


    Lex
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #13
    We all know that ride well
    Even the most positive person (YOU!), can get bummed thinking about getting poked and prodded...never fun.

    I used to tell my sister that I felt like the Gingerbread man, remember, he would just run and run..."Catch me if you can!" he'd yell as he was running away. I used to read that book to my kids years before...little did I know I would think about that little book.

    Just feel what you feel without beating yourself up. Then, best as you can, enjoy the moment. It sounds like an incredible vacation.

    Praying for you sweet girl!!
  • butterflylvr
    butterflylvr Member Posts: 944
    #14
    sea60 said:

    We all know that ride well
    Even the most positive person (YOU!), can get bummed thinking about getting poked and prodded...never fun.

    I used to tell my sister that I felt like the Gingerbread man, remember, he would just run and run..."Catch me if you can!" he'd yell as he was running away. I used to read that book to my kids years before...little did I know I would think about that little book.

    Just feel what you feel without beating yourself up. Then, best as you can, enjoy the moment. It sounds like an incredible vacation.

    Praying for you sweet girl!!

    Kat,
    You will never know sweetie, how much you, in your young life has taught us the older and wiser generation. I say this tongue and cheek because we are older, but it is you who are wiser. Your zest and spirit I will take with me, you are a true role model on how to live in the moment and we all can learn from that. You truly have touched our hearts ♥

    Lot's of love,
    Lorrie
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #15
    sea60 said:

    We all know that ride well
    Even the most positive person (YOU!), can get bummed thinking about getting poked and prodded...never fun.

    I used to tell my sister that I felt like the Gingerbread man, remember, he would just run and run..."Catch me if you can!" he'd yell as he was running away. I used to read that book to my kids years before...little did I know I would think about that little book.

    Just feel what you feel without beating yourself up. Then, best as you can, enjoy the moment. It sounds like an incredible vacation.

    Praying for you sweet girl!!

    Kat you are the most amazing
    Kat you are the most amazing person I know! It is so difficult to deal with cancer and you do it with such grace and strength. You are embracing life, but life with cancer is bittersweet, and although we live our lives, we are as Sylvia said, like the gingerbread man. Running. so keep running your race,,, we are here with you!

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