Resentment towards those who were not there

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  • MissNYC
    MissNYC Member Posts: 7
    #22
    Live and Learn
    Hi Tanya - Fortunately, I've been blessed. I am a transplant to Fla from NYC and while I do have a few cousin's here (who have been wonderful and have never let me down in my life- as well as my neighbor's. I couldn't rely and never did on my 2 siblings. While it hurts, that's life and I refuse to dwell. As you get older you learn to know who you can rely on. In the middle of my treatment's, my husband needed a triple by-pass. Yes, when it rains it pours. I was pretty weak from my treatments and my cousin/best friend drove me every day to see him in the hospital. Each neighbor on my block took turns making food. I almost had a breakdown when I found out about my husband's need for surgery and was so overwhelmed because we've always handled and took care of each other as well as anyone else who needed anything. I know it's easy to say....but try to let it go. If you can't do it alone, go talk to a professional. As for my siblings still up North.....never even got a phone call to see how my hubby is. Take care, Patti
  • Helen321
    Helen321 Member Posts: 1,460 Member
    #23
    I had surgery and my sister
    I had surgery and my sister went on vacation 3 days after my surgery without stopping by (she lives 5 minutes away) and when she returned she never even called. My other sister offered to "help me in any way possible" and didn't show up after day one because she was tired. My third sister did show up with food on day four after some begging that I really couldn't eat much and needed liquid foods of some sort and my fourth sister is the one in her turmoil herself, getting a divorce and did show up and brought food (things I couldn't eat but it's the thought that counts). My cousin was the best and spent the whole 4th day with me and brought me fruit. Everyone has their own lives. No one showed up until day 4 because it was a Tuesday that I had the surgery done. My friend offered anything and when I asked her for some simple chicken soup, she not only didn't bring it for a week, she only brought me one bowl when she did and fed the rest to her family for dinner the night before. And these people LIKE me! lol At some point I realized, there have been times I've showed up and times I didn't. You never know what's going on in someone else's life at the moment. Now with my second surgery my "vacation sister" is coming with me to visits because I asked her to and she's being more involved. I've already told everyone that I need help this time. I don't expect it, but I put it out there. I'm also going to be much more prepared this time so I can fend for myself. I really don't have any expectations though. People just don't understand what it's like. I never understood until now. It's no fun to be the sick one.
  • lbridgers30
    lbridgers30 Member Posts: 4
    #24
    Tina Blondek said:

    Thinking of You and Sending Hugs
    Hi Tanya and welcome. You come here and vent all you want my friend. Hope you feel some what better now. Teresa summed it up quite well, They just "don't get it." No, they don't and they never will. My dad was dx with esophageal cancer in 11/08. We live in Va. My one brother lives in NJ. My brother hid his head in the sand as soon as he heard the news of our dad. My dad fought this cancer for 16 months. My brother came to see him twice during those 16 months. Twice!! The second time he came was the day my dad passed away. No lie. My mom had to have bypass surgery in Dec 2010, a 9 hour surgery. He did not come. You are not alone. These experiences only make us stronger. They are the ones who are wrong. They are the ones who will suffer. God knows. You take all of this anger and all of this energy and put it into yourself and your family. Use it to heal yourself. Do not waste anymore time on his family. They will come around, and if they don't, it is not your fault. keep keeping on, and keep in touch. We are always here.
    Tina in Va

    hi Tina,
    I understand where
    hi Tina,
    I understand where you are coming from. My Dad was diagnosed with Kidney cancer in October 2011. I have one brother,here in the same state as me and another one clear across the united states. The one here has not helped me at all. I'm married with 2 girls and my dad has been staying with us since October. It has been crazy to say the least. I have no one to help us in my family. My husbands family is not doing well health wise either. Where my dad gets treatment the Dr.s thought my husband was my dad's son because he takes him so much. We take him every week for treatment and sometimes twice a week. And sometimes 3 times a week. And it's not that close to us. My Dad's home is almost 2 hours away and he needs repairs done on it and the grass cut & I cant get no one in my family to help. Talk about stress. Family can surprise you!! Thanks for the encouraging words :)
  • katenorwood
    katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
    #25
    Helen321 said:

    I had surgery and my sister
    I had surgery and my sister went on vacation 3 days after my surgery without stopping by (she lives 5 minutes away) and when she returned she never even called. My other sister offered to "help me in any way possible" and didn't show up after day one because she was tired. My third sister did show up with food on day four after some begging that I really couldn't eat much and needed liquid foods of some sort and my fourth sister is the one in her turmoil herself, getting a divorce and did show up and brought food (things I couldn't eat but it's the thought that counts). My cousin was the best and spent the whole 4th day with me and brought me fruit. Everyone has their own lives. No one showed up until day 4 because it was a Tuesday that I had the surgery done. My friend offered anything and when I asked her for some simple chicken soup, she not only didn't bring it for a week, she only brought me one bowl when she did and fed the rest to her family for dinner the night before. And these people LIKE me! lol At some point I realized, there have been times I've showed up and times I didn't. You never know what's going on in someone else's life at the moment. Now with my second surgery my "vacation sister" is coming with me to visits because I asked her to and she's being more involved. I've already told everyone that I need help this time. I don't expect it, but I put it out there. I'm also going to be much more prepared this time so I can fend for myself. I really don't have any expectations though. People just don't understand what it's like. I never understood until now. It's no fun to be the sick one.

    Wanted to chime in here !
    Just found myself in this position. After 6 months of my journey everyone exspects me to be all good, no more cancer or questions. what they probably will never understand (at least in my case and many others) is NO GUYS...sorry but I'm just beginning this bus ride. I cried and I mean really let it out, after a conversation with my only sister and Father this A.M. I am so glad to have found this site, directed by a higher power I guess. Things will never be the same...and our relationships with people will and do change. I was there physically and mentally for my dear mother during her journey and ending with cancer. It is exhausting and seems never ending, but I am so content in the knowledge I gave her my all. It's only been two years, giving my family the benefit of healing time. (or not) I don't know, but yes some days seem utterly lonely. Regards, Katie
  • momof4youngones
    momof4youngones Member Posts: 1
    #26
    Feelings of disconnection

    I feel the same. Im sorry that you are going through this, and I do hope things get better. As far as the in law situation. Just forget them. It's hard especially if you are anxious, or are a people pleaser like me. My In Laws discouraged my husband not to go to any of my dr apts nor was he at my ovarian cancer surgery. My Mother was the last face I saw when I was being wheeled back to the operating room. She said I love you (my name) and blew me a kiss. Now looking back I am gratefull for that. Having my husband mess up that beautiful moment would have been a HUGE mistake. He had just started a new job, in it for about a month when I had my surgery, was about an hour away from me and living with his parents. Who I can clearly see are the Devil. They advised him not to come. I have shut off me feeling and feel im just playing house with this person because of the kids. I would like things to have been different, but they are what they are. I just think he is a **** personally. He forgets my birthday, mothers day, so on. We will be married over 25 yrs this month, and I find I am drifting further and further emotionally away from him. I could care less what he eats, wears, listens to, stories from work, so forth. I just look at him and think of other things. The in laws are dead to me. I dont see them ever and they live less than a mile from me. My children cant stand them, as when they were "taking care" of me so my Mom could go to work one day, the day I was released from the hospital they were mean to my youngest child, stole food from my pantry ( and they are rich) talked to only themselves, yelled at me, were basically horrible. Why were they there? I didnt invitet them. My husband did, said he couldnt make it. Had to work. Basically all the cancer is gone, and no chemo recommened. I feel for you and hope you can get passed this, but I am OVERLY forgiving and Im not and dont thnk I ever will get passed it. Ovarian Cancer Stage 1c

  • SMD15
    SMD15 Member Posts: 32
    #27
    Me too

    I have resentment.  Read a lot of articles about it lately too.  Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I had cancer, not cooties."  That was great, made me smile.  What is it about people that make them act that way?  I swear sometimes I think they are jealous.  Thinking we will get extra attention or whatever.  I am not really an attention seeking person and NEVER when someone told me they had cancer did I think that way, nor did I run the other way.  I still have the overwhelming urge to tell a couple of them off.  Not so much for running the other way, which they did, but for the comments.  And I am not being extra touchy, the comments were just that tacky.  Ugh

     

     

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