So, it returns

Sandi1
Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi, haven't been on in a while. Last night we found out that my husband's cancer has returned. This time there are 4 spots on one lung and 2 spots on the other lung. The Onc has changed him over to Camptosar and Erbitux every week for 3 months. She seems optimistic that is going to help. But you know, we were just starting to get back to normal, well as normal as having chemo for the rest of his life would let us be. Just starting to think about the future again, plan our retirement, plan our vacations - and wham, right back to the beginning - thoughts of fear, and what if's. I try not to think that way, but you know it's always there in the back of your head. Then my husband says to me, not a word of this to anyone. Well thanks - i can't talk to him about it, i don't want him to know how scared i am (although i suspect he knows), but he is the patient and I am the caregiver and i have to be strong for him - not be a babbling, scared idiot. He had asked me one time, when are you going to have your breakdown about this? I told him, i have already dealt with this. He does not need to know that I go outside almost everynight and cry; it's what helps me get through this. So, thank you for letting me go on and on about this. I will try to get on here more.
Thanks for listening.
Sandi
wife of the bravest man and fighter ever!

Comments

  • dmj101
    dmj101 Member Posts: 527 Member
    #2
    break down.. its ok
    I have to tell you .. I know what your husband if going thru.. I am in the same boat.. life was just getting back to normal and I now have mets in both lungs as well..
    Devistation is not the word.. but I need to remain strong as I am all alone . I have no husband or close family or friends to pick me up.. The few I have told I could tell wanted to fall apart.. and one did.. it really helped me.. Let him see you break it will not hurt him infact it will make him just that much stronger I think.. though men and women are different and I have been told we women are much stronger.
    I started Irenotecan last week and will do that for a few cycles and then scan again to see if it helped..
    My wish for you and your husband is peace..

    Donna
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #3
    Dear Sandi
    So very sorry to hear the news about hubby's recurrance.

    Being a caregiver is so very difficult because you try to be strong for the patient while dealing with your own fears and sorrows. The news of a recurrance while like starting all over again is even more difficult in some ways.

    This is not the end but just another beginning of beating back cancer. There is hope.

    Please don't let this setback rob either of you of dreaming of and making plans for the future. A future with all its good things is still possible.

    You know your hubby best. If you beleive that his not seeing how affected you are by this news is the way to go, so be it. Just don't let it seem to him that it has had no impact. Hold him tight and whisper words of encouragement and love.

    Wishing you both the best outcome with the new treatment plan.

    Marie who loves kitties
  • mukamom
    mukamom Member Posts: 402
    #4
    Robert and I
    were getting back to normal, too, when last week scans showed two tumors in his liver that weren't there 6 months ago, or even 3 months ago. BANG, right back in the game. I am scared, too, I cry to and from work, all smiles when I am home, being strong and supportive, and brave talking. All the time, the what ifs are screaming in my head.
    Onc is putting Robert back on chemo every week now instead of every other week, as there are no surgical options available. I am not comfortable with this, as this regimine apparently is not working anymore. So, I hope there will be other protocols(I HAVE been researching) that might be more effective.

    So I understand how you feel. Private message me if you want to chat.

    (((Hugs))
    Angela
    Wife and caregiver
    Robert Dx CC IV Dec 08
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    #5
    Sorry
    I'm so sorry that you are dealing this with silence, but know that you can come here to deal with your fears and your breakdowns and sorry that you feel that you need to go outside and cry your heart out because he doesn't want you to have feelings. Talk to him about your sadness, he might just listen to you and then be aware you need to air your fears too.

    Kim
  • k1
    k1 Member Posts: 220 Member
    #6
    dmj101 said:

    break down.. its ok
    I have to tell you .. I know what your husband if going thru.. I am in the same boat.. life was just getting back to normal and I now have mets in both lungs as well..
    Devistation is not the word.. but I need to remain strong as I am all alone . I have no husband or close family or friends to pick me up.. The few I have told I could tell wanted to fall apart.. and one did.. it really helped me.. Let him see you break it will not hurt him infact it will make him just that much stronger I think.. though men and women are different and I have been told we women are much stronger.
    I started Irenotecan last week and will do that for a few cycles and then scan again to see if it helped..
    My wish for you and your husband is peace..

    Donna

    Donna, I am so sorry to hear
    Donna, I am so sorry to hear about your recurrence. Count yourself among friends here.

    K1
  • steved
    steved Member Posts: 834 Member
    #7
    Annabelle41415 said:

    Sorry
    I'm so sorry that you are dealing this with silence, but know that you can come here to deal with your fears and your breakdowns and sorry that you feel that you need to go outside and cry your heart out because he doesn't want you to have feelings. Talk to him about your sadness, he might just listen to you and then be aware you need to air your fears too.

    Kim

    THe burden of caregiving
    I have cancer and after a long break (7 years NED) have had a recurrence. I have this time around come to really appreciate how different the struggle and battle is for the caregiver compared to the patient. I don't think it is right to say one is harder and there is much overlap but there are also unique challenges for carers that the patient doesn't have to face that I only really am coming to understand. For instance the situation you face where your husband is dictating how to deal with this seems lop sided but that is almost one of the priveleges some of us feel we have being the patient. It isn't selfishness that drives this just a niaivity of the impact on those that care. I have learnt to talk more openly to my wife about this kind of thing and whilst it has been hard to hear her speak honestly about some of her own feelings and perspective it has helped us cope ebetter int he long run. Perhaps finding a way of talking about the true impact on yourself is going to be necessary for you to be at your best to be able to care for him. Neglecting your own needs will only ultimately impede your ability to provide the care he needs. Now, so soon after this news, may not be the right time but make sure you find a way of being cared for too.
    Steve
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900 Member
    #8
    intimate discussion will stop the tears and fears
    Sorry you got such a challenge, may I suggest a frank open discussion about your feelings now about cancer. All huby has to do is listen and be empathetic. He may also want to share his feelings, if he does , then listen also and don't discuss, just listen. The goal is to connect at a more intimate level. This actually what I did today on this cancer retreat so I thought I would share it. No guarantees just an idea shared. My prayers for your peace of mind.
    Hugs,
    Pete
  • Fleurydice
    Fleurydice Member Posts: 8
    #9
    mukamom said:

    Robert and I
    were getting back to normal, too, when last week scans showed two tumors in his liver that weren't there 6 months ago, or even 3 months ago. BANG, right back in the game. I am scared, too, I cry to and from work, all smiles when I am home, being strong and supportive, and brave talking. All the time, the what ifs are screaming in my head.
    Onc is putting Robert back on chemo every week now instead of every other week, as there are no surgical options available. I am not comfortable with this, as this regimine apparently is not working anymore. So, I hope there will be other protocols(I HAVE been researching) that might be more effective.

    So I understand how you feel. Private message me if you want to chat.

    (((Hugs))
    Angela
    Wife and caregiver
    Robert Dx CC IV Dec 08

    Clinical trials
    Is there a teaching hospital near where you live? They might have clinical trials to test new protocols and medications. I'm so very sorry this is happening. Please cry as much as you want!!
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #10
    Talk to him
    My husband and children were very brave on my behalf, and I ended up getting sort of ticked off about it. It seemed like they didn't care! I really had a hard time with it, and I told them if I ever have a recurrence, go ahead and cry. I WANT to see that you're affected by it. I would say try to talk with him. He's already asked when you're going to break down, that might have been his attempt at an opening for a discussion.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • Sandi1
    Sandi1 Member Posts: 277
    #11
    tootsie1 said:

    Talk to him
    My husband and children were very brave on my behalf, and I ended up getting sort of ticked off about it. It seemed like they didn't care! I really had a hard time with it, and I told them if I ever have a recurrence, go ahead and cry. I WANT to see that you're affected by it. I would say try to talk with him. He's already asked when you're going to break down, that might have been his attempt at an opening for a discussion.

    *hugs*
    Gail

    Thank you
    Thank you so much for all of your thoughts. I have been trying to talk to him, but i guess he is just not ready yet. He had his first treatment of Erbitux and Camptosar last Tuesday and seems to be handling it well. They told us to watch for the rash because that means its working. So far no rash - how long does it take before the rash appears? I'm just trying to be there for him, do anything he needs. but as usual he has already did things before i even get home from work. Example, we grind our own meat for hamburgers and meatballs, by the time i get home from work he has already ground the meat and is waiting for me to bag it. and as already cleaned the kitchen and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. all this while he works full time (70 hrs. week) from home. He is an amazing man. This is why it hurts me so much that he has to go through this crap, he is one of a kind. Hopefully this new treatment plan works. He will be on this chemo every Tuesday for 3 months and then another PET Scan, then we will go from there. So until then we just grin and bear it and pray every chance we get.
    Thanks for listening, once again.
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    #12
    Oh Sandi
    Oh Sandi,
    First I just wish I could give you a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. Really, the very few times I have done that (always with people I really trust) it has felt so much better. I hope that you can come here and get comfort. We are here for you.
    I know that reoccurance is so shocking. Like a kick in the stomach. I hope your husband has his time to deal with it and then maybe you can lean on each other.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen

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