Feeling angry with family
My daughter has now returned to the States and I am going back to England on the 20th as C has asked me to be there and her friend and another who flew over from Australia to help are exhausted from being with Claire 24 hours/day and need someone to spell them. They've begged the mother to take over for a night so they can rest and leave for a while which she is doing quite grudgingly it seems. Her life, my s-i-l's, has been very easy up until now, but she is constantly under pressure to do everything she can in every moment of her day, the clock ticks and she never gets all she planned done so feels overwhelmed constantly. My mother used to say that all her stress is self imposed and that's true and I do feel sorry for her. I thought this would be a life lesson for her I suppose where she would realize that some things in life are more important than rushing around in a tail spin, but its all too much for her.
I don't know why I'm going on and on here, but I fear for my future relationship with my brother and his wife. I know they'll need my support after Claire has gone, but their treatment of her and of my daughter when she arrived infuriated me and I'm going to have trouble forgiving them.
Thanks for listening.
Nikkers
Comments
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WOW
I don't get into too many conversations, mainly just read but this really got me. I don't know how you're keeping from losing it.
Some people would say one doesn't know how they would react/feel unless in a situation...I know how I would react if that were my child. I would be there every single minute of every single day. I also know that there is a fine line we walk all the time and something like this would probably send me over - I'd crack up.
Your brother and sil are either two of the coldest people I've ever 'seen' or they are losing their minds over the thought of losing their daughter. If it's the former I doubt your relationship will survive and if the latter you'll figure that out in time and be there to help them get through all of this. You have a right to be infuriated, just keep doing what you're doing for your niece.
I'm so sorry about your niece.0 -
thank you so much for yourRobinKaye said:WOW
I don't get into too many conversations, mainly just read but this really got me. I don't know how you're keeping from losing it.
Some people would say one doesn't know how they would react/feel unless in a situation...I know how I would react if that were my child. I would be there every single minute of every single day. I also know that there is a fine line we walk all the time and something like this would probably send me over - I'd crack up.
Your brother and sil are either two of the coldest people I've ever 'seen' or they are losing their minds over the thought of losing their daughter. If it's the former I doubt your relationship will survive and if the latter you'll figure that out in time and be there to help them get through all of this. You have a right to be infuriated, just keep doing what you're doing for your niece.
I'm so sorry about your niece.
thank you so much for your response - I agree if it was my daughter (God forbid) I would be there every minute (she had colon polyps found after my niece was diagnosed) and so I have told her. I struggle with my brother and his wife's inability to be there for Claire at this time - they've been through a lot the past year, but this monster seems be destroying more than their daughter, my sweet niece. Thanks again.0 -
This is such a difficult situation,
and horribly sad for everyone involved. When my sister was dying of cancer at the age of 44, my mom only went to see her about once a week. It wasn't how I would have handled it, but I have a very different temperament...my mom isn't a bad or unloving person in her own way, but she is kind of Asperger-ish, and doesn't handle emotional situations well at all. My dad was even worse...I think he made the trip of two hours to see her once and skipped the funeral as well (although they talked about a week before she died, and she told him he didn't need to come because she knew how hard it would be for him). I don't know what the underlying issues are with your family, but I do wonder if you would be able to talk to them about this situation, or at least to your brother. If your niece truly wants them there, and hasn't been able to express herself to them directly, perhaps you could gently act as her advocate. Sending strength your way-Ann0 -
So sorryannalexandria said:This is such a difficult situation,
and horribly sad for everyone involved. When my sister was dying of cancer at the age of 44, my mom only went to see her about once a week. It wasn't how I would have handled it, but I have a very different temperament...my mom isn't a bad or unloving person in her own way, but she is kind of Asperger-ish, and doesn't handle emotional situations well at all. My dad was even worse...I think he made the trip of two hours to see her once and skipped the funeral as well (although they talked about a week before she died, and she told him he didn't need to come because she knew how hard it would be for him). I don't know what the underlying issues are with your family, but I do wonder if you would be able to talk to them about this situation, or at least to your brother. If your niece truly wants them there, and hasn't been able to express herself to them directly, perhaps you could gently act as her advocate. Sending strength your way-Ann
Family can be so difficult......
Wondering if there are other people you could bring in to talk with her......clergy, certain volunteers, etc. that are trained to deal with end of life. I dont know if she is religious, but I would want loving, gentle, people around me.
I would hate to see her missing out on some beautiful things while trying to plead with the family.
I would hate for her final weeks be so hard dealing with family stuff.
I hope there are a number of wonderful people who will devote their time and expertise to something so important.....really doesnt haveto be family. There are so many caring individuals out there who would be honored to help.
I know that i am so amazed at what perfect strangers are willing to do. And, it works both ways......it does something on the inside of these people.....it transforms them.
Will be thinking of you..0 -
Hi
Family dynamics are difficult to understand and even more so when there is a critical situation.
If the relationships were strained before (Claire and her parents, you and your bother and sil), then Claire's illness may not change the underlying issues.
People respond to crisis in different ways in order to cope. Some will particularly back away if they see someone else is willing to take the lead.
You are doing what you feel is needed for Claire and that is what is important. If Claire is truely wishing for her parents beside her, then relay that to them. Otherwise, just give the love that you are to Claire and leave the rest of it to be sorted out later.
I understand your concerns. I understand that you are upset about the treatment of the girls. But don't spend your time or energy on anger at this point, as it will make no difference.
Wishing Claire peace and no pain.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties0 -
I've needed tp read throughLovekitties said:Hi
Family dynamics are difficult to understand and even more so when there is a critical situation.
If the relationships were strained before (Claire and her parents, you and your bother and sil), then Claire's illness may not change the underlying issues.
People respond to crisis in different ways in order to cope. Some will particularly back away if they see someone else is willing to take the lead.
You are doing what you feel is needed for Claire and that is what is important. If Claire is truely wishing for her parents beside her, then relay that to them. Otherwise, just give the love that you are to Claire and leave the rest of it to be sorted out later.
I understand your concerns. I understand that you are upset about the treatment of the girls. But don't spend your time or energy on anger at this point, as it will make no difference.
Wishing Claire peace and no pain.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties
I've needed tp read through your responses twice because there is so much experience and sage advise here. We are actually a very close knit family - at least those of us who are directly related and even my s-i-l has become part of the family so this has completely thrown me as well as my "sistyer-cousin" who has been doing the best she can to be there as a support, but has felt brushed off by my brother and sister-in-law. They want to handle this themsleves and my s-i-l can become territorial. Fortunately for us, C's best friend has become the go-nbetween and has enormously helped everyone to connect, but she is becoming over-used.
I loved Anne's advise and recounting of her own experiene with her sister and her parents and I do agree thatI everyone handles things differently and in their own way. It doesn't mean they are unloving, just I suppose overwhelmed when they seem so absent. I'm doing my best to understand and thank everyone for taking the time to read my spouting... you have all helped me so much with my struggles.
Nikkers0 -
Sometimes
Sometimes in my family I come off as uncaring to wounds and hurts, I am not, I feel their heartache and pain so very deeply, however, I tend not to show it to them, because if I face forward and not dwell upon the bad things that are happening, then I have something to look to, feeling that the pain will go away, and the future will be as it is meant to, without pain, without loss. It isn't a beloved attitude to have among family, it's felt that I am ignoring what is, I just chose not to feel the pain at the moment, the pain and heartache will come way too soon so I rather not deal with it at the moment, so I just think and talk about the future, such as it is.
However, I realize that it seems as if I truly do not care, but I just find myself at loss of words to speak how I feel. When a death comes, it takes me so long to respond, if I do. Why? Because the pain is too deep and the words do not speak the depth of my sorrow. Sometimes, our actions belie our feelings.
Winter Marie0 -
Reflection has been my friend and I have had time to think, assimilate all your kind comments and realize that I can work on this so miuch more myself. There is more to understand here than a knee jerk reflex. I was so bewildered, as well as angered, by my brother and his wife and, well, that's how judgments are made... people don't think and react the way you would so they must be lacking in some way, but of course feelings can not be judged by the superficial appearance and thank you Winter Marie for your insight about that.herdizziness said:Sometimes
Sometimes in my family I come off as uncaring to wounds and hurts, I am not, I feel their heartache and pain so very deeply, however, I tend not to show it to them, because if I face forward and not dwell upon the bad things that are happening, then I have something to look to, feeling that the pain will go away, and the future will be as it is meant to, without pain, without loss. It isn't a beloved attitude to have among family, it's felt that I am ignoring what is, I just chose not to feel the pain at the moment, the pain and heartache will come way too soon so I rather not deal with it at the moment, so I just think and talk about the future, such as it is.
However, I realize that it seems as if I truly do not care, but I just find myself at loss of words to speak how I feel. When a death comes, it takes me so long to respond, if I do. Why? Because the pain is too deep and the words do not speak the depth of my sorrow. Sometimes, our actions belie our feelings.
Winter Marie
I'm flying back to England on Sunday, my brother is meeting me, my sister-in-law has offered me to stay at C's place rather than a B&B, my neice is in a hospice and I will be able to be with her (her request) there and stay overnight to spell her friends who are with her constantly. So... though my brother and wife are absent from her side a lot of the hard times, the rest of us are and can bear that load and I will do my best to do it without judgement or prejudice to the best of my ability.
Thank yoiu all so much again.
Nikkers0 -
goodnikkers said:Reflection has been my friend and I have had time to think, assimilate all your kind comments and realize that I can work on this so miuch more myself. There is more to understand here than a knee jerk reflex. I was so bewildered, as well as angered, by my brother and his wife and, well, that's how judgments are made... people don't think and react the way you would so they must be lacking in some way, but of course feelings can not be judged by the superficial appearance and thank you Winter Marie for your insight about that.
I'm flying back to England on Sunday, my brother is meeting me, my sister-in-law has offered me to stay at C's place rather than a B&B, my neice is in a hospice and I will be able to be with her (her request) there and stay overnight to spell her friends who are with her constantly. So... though my brother and wife are absent from her side a lot of the hard times, the rest of us are and can bear that load and I will do my best to do it without judgement or prejudice to the best of my ability.
Thank yoiu all so much again.
Nikkers
good for you Nik....in a situation like this, anger uses up way too much energy and creates more pain.
love to you and your dear niece..
maggie0 -
You sound like having had some time to be away from the situation and consider it from outside has helped you to understand and cope with it better which is often the case. Once you are enmeshed in these kind of dynamics it is hard to see what is really going on and removing yourself for a brief period is useful. People's comments above are wise and eloquent and I have little more to add.nikkers said:Reflection has been my friend and I have had time to think, assimilate all your kind comments and realize that I can work on this so miuch more myself. There is more to understand here than a knee jerk reflex. I was so bewildered, as well as angered, by my brother and his wife and, well, that's how judgments are made... people don't think and react the way you would so they must be lacking in some way, but of course feelings can not be judged by the superficial appearance and thank you Winter Marie for your insight about that.
I'm flying back to England on Sunday, my brother is meeting me, my sister-in-law has offered me to stay at C's place rather than a B&B, my neice is in a hospice and I will be able to be with her (her request) there and stay overnight to spell her friends who are with her constantly. So... though my brother and wife are absent from her side a lot of the hard times, the rest of us are and can bear that load and I will do my best to do it without judgement or prejudice to the best of my ability.
Thank yoiu all so much again.
Nikkers
We all cope with this situation in individual ways and one thing I have leanrt is to forgive people for their reactions. At first I used to begrudge people reacting by being overly caring, under caring, too distant, too close, too sympathetic etc. It was only once I had time to reflect that I realised that I'm not sure how I want people to react and so how can I expect others to know. EAch person copes in their own way that partly acts to protect themselves and that sounds like what is happening in your situation. IT doesn't mean their reaction is any more 'right' or 'wrong' than any others.
Take time and focus on what you think your cousin needs now. Leave the family dynamics to sort later and avoid conflicts in this important time for you all- they are unlikely to help anyone when emotions are so raw.
I hope you find a way in amongst all this to enjoy a little of England while here too.
steve0
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